Full Moonshining In

I don't mean to be glum but today is just one of those days... It could be that roller coaster ride , theme park called Bi-Polar. I don't know which side of the pole I'm hanging on to? 

Maybe its just full moon swing, theme park called howl like hell.

It could be being human. Theme park called No pain no game. 

Today the feelings have been erupted by this wholesome moon. I feel like a tidal wave has smashed against me. I am still standing! 

I have faced and processed a lot over this weekend. A mom that fell. A ghost from wicked beaches. A faded dream. Illusive pleasures lost in , well: reality. I returned to my humble abode of crossed souls under this blue moon. I was sent soaring through the corridors. Vacillating between the curls of my neatly cut hair, filled with uncertainty and insecurity. I hate having haircuts, I take it personally when it does not look as I imagine it should. I have a vivid imagination with a perfect picture. Of course when I left the salon it was not right.

Today when I got 'home' my friend made a comment about my hair that spiraled me in to a pit of sadness. Its not what she said but the way she said it. Looking back I am undecided weather it was personal or if it is my complex. Maybe this is the jumping castle of borderline personality disordered; theme park called: screw ya yo yo. 

I don't know, I just know I am a very sensitive being, who hurts deeply when a friend puts me down, subconsciouslyor not. 

I sat and stared into the eye of the moon, absorbing the shallowness in my throat, 'you look crazy' said eye, the moon looked back at me and beamed blue light "and you my friend are crazy to think you are anything less than who you are" 

Still hurting, BUT smiling confidently accepting how I feel.

Take a ride in my bumper car

My Borderline personality disorder is riding high but I'm not swinging low.

Today I started some voluntary work. Ironically these kids are me 23 years back and funnily when we had to go through phonetics my learning disability is still loud. I sat in this sanded down primary school with the 2 most adorable kids, one 9 and the other 7. Dressed neatly in there uniforms on plain clothes day. The one boy threw his hands in  the air each time he read and pronounced the vowels correctly and each time he did not he would throw his hands to his little forehead. I fell for him instantly. 

We played this game with them and to my surprise I was the one who could not easily pronounce the vowels. To them this was funny to me I became incredibly insecure. I cant believe I was sitting in a class room as I used to receiving extra lessons. It took me back to my frustrations of feeling stupid and less than. I used to hate extra lessons, Ritalin, but mostly being the kid in the corner who was 'special' and now I have my 2 very own 'special' kids

I thought about it afterwards and it is definitely a lesson I am willing to take in my life. I not only have the privilege of working with 2 amazing boys but I can face my insecurities from their age and together we can learn.

I cant shake my rejection issues, I am planning an evening tonight and as I am going with a girl I know from circle but don't really know at all, It feels like a first date. The social pressure is exhausting. I have always found it hard to be with new people, but like this morning with the learning perhaps this is another lesson, I can learn how to be social without being sexual. 

Actually its quite exciting this will be the first time in 4 months I am doing something out of this rehab haven, with someone completely independent from this rehab haven.

Tonight I will wander the grounds of the fair, with the smell of candy floss sticking to my palette. Getting on rides that will launch me into freedom from the solitude I seem to ride. I will walk amongst the sounds of screeching children as they laugh with gusts of excitement.

Tonight I will be the child I lost and become the adult I find in lights of steaming carou"souls"and vibrations of bumper cars. 

Tonight I will swing from go fish and I might not win A teddy bear but I will win a prize...

That prize will be inner child with toffee apple stuck to the little me.

Soaring Flirt

To see you would be to escape me. The whole reason I am in this process is to be with me, so sorry my love today I will have to take a rain cheque.

Sitting in her office(my beautiful) therapist) I allowed to see myself and what my flirtation really is about. Yes it's a behaviour pattern I have learnt to cope. I revealed I am leaning on the deep side of flirting with my counselor. It was pointed out to me that my flirtation is not really based on sexual desire but rather A need to be loved and cared for. That I take it to the point of rejection. I do this almost subconsciously to install a deep rooted dynamic that hasn't worked for me for years.

The point is , this is no longer subconscious. Could it be all this therapy is working? Could it be I am naturally using the process of therapy to find and connect to my patterns, alone. This is what I am learning, this is just one behaviour and probably my most obvious:

I like to flirt, NO, I love it, I live off it. I find when I flirt everything else falls away. I have a strong flirtatious reaction to those I really care about, and crave for the,m to care for me. Its no longer just a flirt at this time. What I do is take it to the extreme border and push. See how much or how little I can get away with. My example for today is the obvious. I flirt with my councilor, I wand to see how far she will let me in? I want to test how much she can take and how broadly she will care. I know now If I continue like that it would be dangerous because I will end up in my deep rooted place of rejected, and therefore the cycle would continue. If I decide to be healthy and accept that she does care as it is, I do not have to charm or test, I just have to be. Maybe a few healthy flirtatious remarks but really just be naturally me.

If I am so uncomfortable to be just me, then what the hell is the point. I seek ultimate feelings of endearment, I seem to never be happy with what is already there, and what is already there is enough. I am still learning. Learning to understand my ways,warped or not, but just to know It self love I am truly seeking but this way outward love is what I am feeding.

No more to affection of rejection, purely just reflection of perception.

Self love= Reality of truth first in me and then surely I will no longer rush after more. I am starting to understand that the other cares as much as they can and its not for me to demand or expect more. I will loose the plot if I remain demanding to continual acceptance. Its self acceptance that will pave me a place to my palace. The palace where all is as it is, and in this is I accept, its me I'm testing, so rather not. Believe that this is enough and I will soar(even if for a while for I surely will not always apply, comply) I will soar.

Plain

I am certainly a person of one extreme to the other. Yesterday just that: yesterday! Today I am a hyperactive flirt, no bulletproof vest, full throttle I GO.

 It’s just the way it happens with me. You could say unpredictable but actually the opposite. I have found some sort of high ground, almost afloat a steam moving cloud train.

 The ladies in the house had the pleasure of been taken to a meeting none of us would normally go to. Let me put it this way a meeting to teach a few humility, a taste of being taught how to be humble.

 Packed in my councillors car who. A counsellor I have become a tad flirtatious with. To the point I found myself asking her to handcuff me to her chair. A smirk, an exchange of flush, naturally a little rush. Honestly I did not mean it in the sexual sense I meant could she not cuff me to the chair in until my ex has left for London, in order to keep me from hurting myself.

 You see the thing I struggle with now is do I see her before she leaves or do I not. They say I should look at her like a drug, use the tools that have kept me clean to keep me from picking up: her! Today I have made the decision to do this. Tomorrow who knows?

 Back to the meeting, I sat in front of my councillor’s car, strapped in and ready to snoop. Behind the wheel a paaionate driver, caringly cunning for sharing her beauty. Behind  me were 4 ladies. Starting with the silent lady who never really talks but knows how to smile, the smile I watch to see what lies behind. In the middle a very eager lady, honest about her cravings and amped to try new things, in this case a new meeting. Then of course the lady dancer, always on the move and ever so sly, dancing her way in to out. Next to her is my sleeping beauty. Toady she is being tested, a meeting when does not want to know about, acting out and general fuck it all mood. That’s ok, today she can be fuck this fuck you tomorrow she could be this is ok. And this is ok, for I know this well: yesterday I was livid; today I am anything but calm. But I am good.

We are all allowed to feel as we feel.

 Of course in front we had the running commentary from me. Driving through the gangsters land, from shack to run down flats to perfectly formed houses. Someone asked the counsellor “so why are we going to this meeting?” she explained that it was to support a new woman’s group and friends could bring friends. I piped up with “oh so it’s bring one get one free” She could not help but smile as the others laughed.

 These comments flew all the way there, once there, I could tell those who were uncomfortable and those who weren’t. I was comfortable, I eased in but shyly. I found an attraction to some beautiful girls. Trust me to find no matter where I go to gaze upon the beauty.

 But really the beauty was in the meeting, the share, and the individuals. Watching my council closely, the need to see the human in her, the human I see more, the beauty. My friend next to me so lost and angry, fighting to understand why, her hair covering her face her heart; the beauty. The circle of a close nit group passionate about there space their life, their journey, seated in a run down school, discarded. But the energy creates a light; the beauty.

 All of this and more. Remembering my past may be sordid but holes of energy, buckets of love and in the cracks; THE BEAUTY

Hang-Man

Sweep me away from here. There were moments today where I found myself standing on the edge of my mountain. To let the wind take me and soar. To let the wind take me fall.

 We have these sessions here called conjoints. Combining all or both people or things involved: conjoint family therapy.

This is my story: In brief.

My relationship with my father has never been formed, as many we are sure. I have memorie

s I used to let bury me. In short I have been deeply hurt by this man, my dad. The past is the past and I leave that aside. One thing that still lives is the not being a part of. For years I have been trying to creep into my daddies heart. Like a little girl I have laughed and then cried. Like an adolescent I have rebelled and screamed. As an adult I have no action for I never learnt what to do as an adult.

 My father was the guest for today’s conjoint. My behaviour has been completely inappropriate. I have been upside down, stressing. Not normally a candidate for anxiety, I know now.  My morning I spent on the sand of the beach, as every wave crashed with every thought. I became agitated and self-destructive. In-group I sat next to my counsel wanting to scr

eam. Somebody listen, somebody hear me ‘I am scared”, my voice did not sound to the occasion.

 Standing, just touching my councillors hand. A mutual affection, she was irritated with me and her touch was gone, she let go of my hand before the group had closed. I took this very personally and felt intense rejection; I thought she let me fall. I felt scared that she would not support me with my dad. I crumbled or rather I screamed. I swore at her and threatened her and screeched off in my car.

 Self sabotage? Or unmanageable feelings? Whatever my adolescent coping skill drove me. Anger. I did not realise how fast I was driving and I did not know where I was going. I came to in a field, I found myself crying. I did not know how I got there but I melted in greenery. My tears were not few. As I sobbed I found myself staring at a hanging ground.

Thoughts of suicide took over. I rationalised. I am sad but I am strong. I drove and wept I wept and relief began to loosen me up. This was necessary although unnecessary. Another approach could be, “hey you, I’m hurt|” and cry.

I don’t have to take things to some dramatic climax all the time; I can get the same relief from just standing where I am.

 The conjoint came and went and I know now I worked myself up and worked myself over. I hurt people in between. Sure he seemed to wear a mask unknown. Naturally I could not be myself alone. “Dad” I said, “Its simple all I need from you is to be a part of you,” I think although he doesn’t understand my pain. I know he doesn’t have to. As long as he knows and I know my part to “I avoid him” he said and I thought yes he’s right, I tend to avoid pain.

 It does not have to be so dull and gloom. This is past pain, this is not now. I can’t fester in what keeps me sick. All I can do is be patient and kind. Yesterdays misunderstanding is lost, not forgotten but forgiven. What happens tomorrow is for tomorrow to reveal.

Closure in process

My head was wandering off a little. My body has been weakened by my mind. I am scared of failing. I am irritated at circumstances. I still love her and sometimes despise me. Could I have done something different? Rantings of separate issues with parallel feelings. 

 I was with my counselor for what seemed like hours and I sensed she truly cares. I truly do, care for her. Is this healthy? Debatable. I say yes: Her profession strong to her, her opinion everything to me. I take my friend seriously. I take my counselor more so! This combo works for me, as long as I have not imagined it.

 Delirious in thoughts about my ex getting ‘married’, she speaks so bluntly. Her way of reaching out is defined in small details of her manipulation. Already I am sensing my heart is no longer hard to her, but soft and easy. All the more not to see her before she elopes to London. My last memory was I holding her. Whispering stories in her ear as I tickled her back. 

My decision now is why look for closure when that is it. My last memory together is enough. My last memory of her non-sensitivity to publicly breaking up with me on facebook is enough to know. We are over and so what if I still have her base guitar...

 I was feeling dreary in my world, my bubble. Hardened by reality and softened by love. Almost delirious in a wayward cage. Until I stumbled outside feeling stoned I looked to the sky. Instantly my view was changed, I came back to my name and smiled...

The latter OR the lesser Or What's the matter?

I have a migraine and it’s not easy. I was sat at a 5 o’clock AA meeting when I was appalled at a woman who clearly has issues with “you people in early recovery” You see ideally at these meetings people aware not meant to dive advice or opinions. She was not shy looking down on those who do not have the same ‘good recovery’ as her. “You people in early recovery need to stay away from money and sex because that is what will bring you down!” she went on to make it worse for herself by telling the lesser that females are the weaker sex and will fall. I seriously had to bite my tongue for if I had not, the AA meeting would turn into a debate then argument and then probably a boxing match. I almost said “well I have no money and I am definitely not having any sex, so I guess that makes me a recovery success” I did no such thing.

 I did loose myself in thought regarding my resentments. That was the real topic for the meeting. It suited me because my weekend was full of old resentments coming up. Note to self: When I brood in my resentment I become my own enemy, the resentment becomes me and I it! It started with old anger. From there I started picking fights.

 I fought with my uncle about the new tax laws on the “stinking rich” as he calls them. We ended up raising our voices. He accused me of being bourgeois and I retaliated with “you don’t know who you dealing with, you are PATHETIC’ tempers flew. We were stopped by an angry grand father “if you two don’t stop I will throw my wine at you!” we giggled and instantly that argument was out the beautiful window with a view of a very choppy sea.

 Point is, when I’m holding on to past anger, I allow myself for old behaviours to run free. It is unhealthy for me flare up and fight. I asked myself after, what is this? I know those I love the most and find I attack those I love the most hurt me. It becomes a round about free fall.

 I am admittedly all over the place. I am finding it hard to be comfortable with me today. Sitting back home, the bunch of beatniks I call us. Everything is accentuated, a loud laugh and the guitar that travels into my cells. I am not sure do I want to climb the walls from irks of others, or am             I annoyed because this is a well rounded nut house of transcended fortunes I need to endure. Endure to become the non lesser of me and own the reality of no longer being confined to a line. An opportunity to learn with others, through others with all its crazy quirks,            

 The old man, who never leaves his room. as he stares out the window, waiting to be saved. The old man that stumbles and seems to be under the influence, pretending to read a book, hiding the trueness behind his pages. The young boy clicking his pen, just waiting for words to fall from the ink. The elder lady who pretends to be twenty, fixing her hair in the mirror, wanting to jut be observed for a second. The quiet lady who never speaks, hiding I imagine a UN endurable pain. The pretty young girl hidden by ghosts and trying all she can to be a part of herself, striving to find where she fits and who she loves. Sleeping beauty I call her while she lays away from her pain.  Oh and so many more gifted people in this house I live in.

 Not forgetting me, the person with a life that resides in my head and breathes through my chest, just hoping the answer will fall from my sky of opportunities. A dark sky with a lively moon.

 

Yes…

 

Today I am exactly where I need to be! 

Do me a favor and FUCK OFF

One would think with all the experience on has in emotional 'intelligence' and understanding of how one works, one would be more prepared for an emotional day=

With all my therapy I am still human and the only way I can express this feeling that finds its way to suffocate me is : "I may be therapized BUT I'm human!" Hold the reins and keep me safe I pray.

Disturbed well laying down in the heat dosing off to the sound of the rats in the ceiling, sounds like they the size of 2 cats. Scratch, wink, scratch, blink, scratch, sleep. The phone rang and it was a disturbing call. Like everyone I have issues, a issue caught me in my sleep and when I opened my eyes I was on the phone and it was real. Its not the concept or the fact, its the ongoing behaviours from another that pains me. I can only change my perception of what is, I can not change the reality that proceeds me.

Phone down, done with that. Speak to my Nana for a while. I am scared I cry, I am angry but mostly I can not let go of this resentment. All hail I must! It buries me, I become the rat in the ceiling. Only I am scratching from under the ground, gasping for air. My resentment turns form sand to mud and I become stuck, trapped. 

I need to choose what I do with my last bit of air. Do I take myself out and drown/ death by pain. Or do I let go and forgive? The mud dries, the sand falls, I feel my face in the light. I breathe.

Dirty and broken I reach out to the person in my life that pains me most, he reaches back and I weep. I weep the dirty sand off my face and smile.

Still unsure and weakened, my gut speaks, my throat clogged, my chest faded: I feel sick. Emotionally freaked. 

As I talk through this with the place I call home: my grandparents, I feel better. "The talking cure" Things settle, for some seconds and  bam a new slap in my face= THE EX.

Where did this come from and why. I find myself querying why now , how this. I don't know if I can take it, to late it's been taken. Once again its not what I'm feeling Its what I do with this feeling.

Pained by her exorcism from me, the way she forgets in but just a day. We were once friends and foe we came. I hate her, I love her, This just cant be. Why now when I'm down.

But hey, i know its temporary. Today it will burn and tomorrow I will choose to take a dip in the sea. I will have Sunday lunch. I will go back to my weird little rehab. Its OK for tomorrow I will still be me. Although I sometimes feel I can not survive the rejection. Rejection being , immense pressure applied to ones chest. side effects: shallow breathing, sharp pains, teary eyes and violent dreams. Cure: sit with the feeling, connect to the feeling, the feeling does not own me. Waked up tomorrow and remind yourself , we are never alone!

Months from Poisen

When going in to treatment: I have been a few times and the anxiety I felt walking in, feeling ashamed that I would have to be here, amongst addicts. There is of course a stigma attached to being and addict. One I shrug my shoulders to. 

Well I remember the first time I shied my way around voices calling out to me 'so whats your drug of choice, whats your poison?" I was really cornered with every single face that somehow directly seemed to be 2 cm from mine, I muttered "cocaine" and smiled. Person from person latching on to substance and defining you by your drug of choice. 

By the time I reached my 3rd rehab, I walked in "cocaine and I have been in treatment before" before anyone could ask me. I see now it was a way of masking insecurity and forwarding an air of junkie pride. I'm hardcore, leave me alone kind of thing. 

Now if someone asks me I would say "Its not really the drug of choice that matters, its where the drug has brought me" So here we are coke,heroin,alcohol,weed,tik,speed,benzos,cat,ket... different drugs same thing.

I can also confidently say my poison is me! The alcohol is a side effect of the coke, the coke a side effect of the woman, the woman from love, the love is a side effect of me, If i am unhealthy I will use. By this I mean : I lack any control around rejection, I create rejection by falling in 'love' with the wrong woman, a woman I normally know will reject me, when I hurt, i use and then I am nothing but a void feeding on cocaine, I convince myself this will help me feel, or not, That I will connect o self, to be free.

Nothing but a ring a rose of violent dreams, seizures of empty screams. Nothing but a mirror of blank me and demons falling through my being. Just a stench from broken connection sending myself crashing to tears that mean nothing. I become lost not only to others, i have lost me. I suppose it will take more than 4 months to repair something that has been so damaged by a false need to be through substance or people. 

4 months later I can smile. I may not know who I want to be, I do know I can be someone. I know I can feel wet her it be painful or joy, I am feeling. To feel is a gift, to hide from this would worsen everything I know or don't know. I don't have to know, today i know this , I am more free than I was when I thought I escaped this reality.

Reality does not have to be what I think they want it to be. Reality is, just as it is in this moment.

So what's your poison? 

Therapy says do this:

Wake up call: 7:30am. Cigarette and a coffee. Shower: 8:00am. Serentiry 8:30 am Cereal: 8:45am then leave. Traffic: 9:00 am and Finally Psychologist: 10:00am, this is where my day begins. 

I have not looked at her in sexually in a while. Today I could not help but notice her skinny grey jeans. Her hair tied back, which is rare and beautiful to look at. The way she laughs is infectious but I try to pretend I do not notice how perfectly human she is. 10:15am stop running my eyes… 

Become interested and listen. I have this habit of babbling away in our sessions jumping from one subject to the next without actually getting to any point, She of course has a talent of showing me the point and bring me back to the subject that’s most important. I liked how she said “if I work with anything creative I will be really good at it’ nice little boost for my ego or rather my self esteem that is so low, it helps me to believe. 

Self esteem is a tough one to ‘fix’ luckily mine is either really low where I believe I am nothing to high where I am convinced everyone is in love with me and everything I touch turns to gold. I imagine if I find a balance between those I can be healthily confident. So after being absorbed by process and of course her words, stance and movements but her Laugh, I leave the heaviest subject for the last 5 minutes. Naturally I leave feeling kind of disconnected and rush off to buy a chocolate: my quick fix. No drugs so comfort food. It works for a while and then I choose to forget the last few minutes of the session and focus what important for now. 

I need to learn how to set healthy boundaries as mine are well invisible at times. E.g.: a creepy kind of guy, who means well comes up to me to say hello, he greets me with a hug and what I think will be a peck, not so fast, I feel a wetness on my mouth because his is half open, I smile and pull away, he runs his hand across my cheek, I smile and say nothing. Well in the ‘real world’ I should say ‘what are you doing? Please don’t touch my face” or rather in the real real world I could try “what the fuck’ push him to the side and walk away. Neither. So boundaries are my focus for this week.

 I say I feel jolly good to all around me but sense I am not exactly Jolly jolly good. There is a good and a bad simultaneously and I’m not quite sure how to work with this. I will just let it be as it is, stop second guessing every feeling and let myself go to the dark sky on a magical white unicorn. I will soar over the ocean and dive in. A wave will carry me to shore and I will walk home. 

Thus having felt fear, adrenalin, hope and solace.

If so, Why not?

Migraines bring me down. The feeling of nausea and sharp pains bouncing from side to side like two gummy bears on speed playing ping pong with my nerves. With this I managed to make my self to a meeting. Of course this meeting I attend is for reasons other than the core of being at AA. I go to this meeting to lure upon a certain 'famous' somebody, who I can not name as "what you hear here and who you see here, stays here!" I am almost certain hardly anyone abides to this rule, but hey I can try... to an extent. 

I was paying close attention to her as she related to the shares story, her full blonde hair touching her tight cheeks. Possibly some botox on her forehead. None the less, she is an exquisite natural beauty. She caresses her lips with her finger tips , biting her nails, I stare and admire. Her eyes meet mine and we smile. A friend of course says I'm imagining it. Perhaps not.

At this point whilst listing to some guy saying something about being fired from work for putting a dogs ball in his mouth, the room packs up with laughter. I turned my head and realised my counselor was at the meeting and she had her hands to her face, giggling , nodding her head. Happy to see her there as I feel we could be friends, I'm jolted back to reality and think "dogs balls in his mouth, is this guy in the right place? Yeah sure, why not?"

The meeting ended I waited for my celebrity to walk out referring to her as my new girlfriend, joking of course. she came out, stopped, i looked at her black tights, skirt and shirt, tightly fitted to her body and guessed she would get in to the land rover parked outside. Off she drove into the night. My councilor came out and I wrapped my arm round her like we are old friends teasing her about me waiting for my girlfriend. "which one?" she said sarcastically and off she went her hustle beat of a walk.

No thinking back, some people at those meeting get on a high , there is a buzz in the air, people chatting and moving from one person to the next. If there were music you would think they were dancing in a club. Exchanging numbers and greetings. Its quite interesting. And hey if they wanna "club" outside a church, why not?

Group Relapse

I sat in-group this morning having made an internal decision to directly challenge those I felt needed some feed back or just irritated me a bit. What I mean by irritated is, when I think someone is using I say nothing and it affects me, or if I hear someone has said I’m childish although I know I can be somewhat childish, instead of internalizing it why not just be frank. Right? Wrong. 

 I subsided to my charming wit know bla]nkly as sometimes foolish sarcasm or sometimes point blank opinion.          o         k  so...  I have mentioned the marine under suspicion for sneaking out, and eating my chicken at odd ours. Well his behavior in general was bugging me and it was affecting the housemates. The house I might add has become like a commune with flair. Addicts bustling around in misery to sublime happiness and some altered states it seems. 

 Back to the group, it was my plan to confront the Casanova marine: Unfortunately he left group in a huff, a dramatic exit claiming he does not trust us. All I got in was 'I don’t trust you' off he marched and 'enjoy the beach" said I.  Later when I told him he is manipulating everyone, he snarled and I instinctively knew something was not right here. It was not surprising when I stood next to him in the office as my counselor made me sign my 1st and second warnings for breaking what I believe to be trite rules. I stood alongside Mr. Marine who tested positive to a Breathalyzer test.

 We chatted outside as he told me he wants his money and I asked "why? So you can line up with this girl, have sex all night, use all your money and then come back?" he mumbled 'this is old behavior', yes it is. I observed the commune as they bustled around the 'drama' some snickering "good riddens" other turning it in to humor whilst singing "he’s gonna buy a gram, and end up in the slum, yeah yeah yeah" And then there were those who were saddened. I observed the stress in the counselors, the genuine care and even a tinge of hurt.

 This brings me to the real issue, and that is not the drama, but what happens round the drama, which I to play a part.

 People laughing and becoming humorous to hide or mask what’s really going on. The uneasiness round the marine bellowing sarcastically ' you should all be lucky you clean' immediately taking a manipulative stance of I’m a victim. Honestly at first, I felt somewhat smug when my suspicions were confirmed, I felt affirmed. THIS made me ask "wait a minute" Just step back for a moment this could have been someone close to me, NO this could of been me.

 Almost ashamed by my reaction I am struck that this is sad! Here is someone like me, who is emotionally damaged like me, who is an addict like me, who lost hope, as I have done, who has used, which I could do, who has relapsed, which I have done so many times before and could at anytime if I don’t constantly call myself out, like this and be real. 

 He unfortunately just has to do more "research" which I have done. Research is a term used here when people are not convinced they are addict or simply are just not ready. It is sad. It is a process.

 I cannot speak for others, but from me I believe everything is just a reflection of what we need to face or learn from. This marine is built physically to 'kill' or 'defend' but emotionally he is just like us, just like me.

 I watched him walk down the street with just a backpack, the reality to use, he looked up at me as I drove past and at that moment I knew he had been defeated by his disease. It is controversial in my circles as to whether the disease takes you down or if you allow the disease to take you down. Either or its a reality of emotional trauma that lures one to the ground. I have allowed it to happen with me and visa versa. 

 

Group relapse in altered state of mind via substance, behavior or reaction. At the end of the day we are all human in a process, its what we do through the process...

hey, its okay to be corny

It says : If I could paint the sky for you I would...

Some mock me and my keen interest in Valentines day, many believe its is merely an economic scheme created by hallmark to make top sales, as we all know most are suckers for finding an excuse to celebrate romance. When if we allowed we could draw from love always, but hey I will admit Valentines gives me the excuse to go totally overboard in romance, and if we were all running around with rose petals at our feet and heart shaped auras floating round our heads things could be crazy. I imagine for a while there would be gazes of love, then lust, then sex, then full circle. Somewhere at embraces end there would be heated passion turn argument turn full circle again, not having the moment to appreciate, so hey I don’t mind that, I don’t mind Valentines either. Call me corny, call me queer, call me love struck, or as my mom likes to call me cupid for a while. I guarantee you on the 14^th of Feb. I always find a way to be romantic otherwise I have a bad habit of always being romantic whilst I         FUCK UP.

  

Today is the first day in 8/9 years I have no one to spoil no one to love, until I decided hey why not be my own Valentine… and so it is. I bought myself some chocolates and wrote myself a poem, all but laid me down in passion (but maybe later?)

Point is I don’t mind, it’s February 14 2010 and I can be my valentine. Could be bordering on sill as I do not feel lonely, I sit calmly as one and hear me whisper in my ear I see you my love as you see me

 

 

 

 

slid up

What a handsome view I have. Th sky is painted purple and is meshed with the gray sea. I'm norm

ally drawn to the sea when shes angry, today I am drawn to her placid  humming. It soothes my very being in place and time. 

It seems my high came down as quickly as it came up. I am close to motionless and unfazed. In sync with the way the ocean creeps to the sand. An animated start to a rather mellow me. I guess starting and ending my day withswimming close to sharks in freezing water is a must have, by all means. My the adrenaline added with a splash of salt water, equals some drug like effect of being calm.

Either I am emotionless or this holiday at my grandparents has sent me into a halcyon mood. Poised with calmness, my eyelids heavy, after 2 naps I am ready for another... Could I be depressed? I think not. All the therapy I have presses my thinking to wander what every feeling thought and emotion is connected to. Perhaps today I am just mellow, perhaps It long over due.

Perhaps to much therapy is counter therapy, perhaps perhaps perhaps

Whoops, a few hours after I typed the above in blue: um I lost my cool and broke my solace. A 30 year old having a tantrum (well not exactly lying on the ground kicking and screaming) Definitely raising my voice when I was refused the right to have a cigarette as my family was ready for dinner I sarcastically said "well if you can all drink I don't see why I can have a fucking cigarette" My grandfather unimpressed scolded me without saying a word. I stomped on the butt and joined the table with my tail between my legs, humbly pretended I did not just take the role of a teen, sat calmly at the table and commented on how lovely the food was.

A feel good potion

I opened my group this morning with My name is... I am an addict and I'm feeling Fucking fantastic, with a grin as sly as the fox in the hole. Accept I'm not in my hole, I'm in some dreamlike "good space" as you would say in therapy. I glanced round the perfect circle , meeting eyes with the 'others', A grumpy Marine I suspect is sneaking out at night to rendezvous with his Dutch Internet connection. Returning at early hours(i suggested this morning that the next time someone eats my food could they do it properly, not only eat the chicken breast but the rice to and then throw away the foil. Or perhaps the culprit thought I would not notice an entire lone chicken breast vanished, mm) To continue round our circle, Gramps, looked at me awkwardly, only to hide his own intellectualising, Smiles form my roomies, my closest giving me access to laughter the entire session. In fact once we had giggled a few times to many, teasing our counselor with ease as we find her adorable in her charismatic way of well being humorous in a somewhat wacky way. We were separated, only to be placed opposite each other here the laughing got more fun. 

This was the beginning of my day. Since then I have felt abnormally happy, sensitive to everything good. A almost manic like state of driving across the country. Giving the councilors a bunch of really corny ed roses claiming they from some crazy secret admirer. 

I am most at home with my grandparents and that's where I sit now, a little eery at times as today is the 2 year death anniversary of my uncle (R.I.P) , but as always this is where I am at home. I got here by soaring through traffic dancing to loud music like a puppet like lunatic. I love this of course. I walked through the door singing "I am in a very good mood, you guys are very lucky" Gaggle of laughter echoed through the house.

So rantings of a child like menace meet a passionate , certainly not illusive (today) , Duracell beast. I am not complaining , I like this feeling. I have always understood what is down must come up, and what comes up must come down, and I can live with this..... the challenge is to find a balance? right?