refer to new blog

www.ikeepsouvenirs.blogspot.com

Beat up by an old lady

No man, this beast of a boer Tannie is either seriously bitter or needs a psyche ward quick. I was parked on the wrong side of the road near her driveway and let me repeat , near. Her husband Bertjie parked in the driveway and hooted, so I calmly got up from the grass, where I was playing with little Phoenix and as she stepped out the car, I kindly said, 'dont worry I'm moving' Before I knew it she had stomped across the road screaming"I will move your car and you will listen to me my girl" very freakishly waving her arms. As you can imagine this hit a nerve in me, so I slammed my door and picked Phoenix up and said, "no lady, I will not move until you ask me nicely, she started mimicking me, " until you ask me nicely, until you ask me nicely" as she lunged into me. I stepped back in awe, "jeez, why are you putting so much energy into such a silly thing!", this is when she started poking me, "why you putting so much energy.... etc etc" then her huge Afrikaans body snapped and pushed me, almost falling over I screamed(as she almost hurt my phoenix), "Don't you lay a FUCKING HAND ON ME WOMAN" she lost it, "you breaking the law", "who's fucking law, yours?", You move" she screamed as she tried to climb into my car, "Just relax lady, I'm moving, this is not your car,don't touch it" once again she repetitively mimicked me, and lunged at my ches with her fists, i just kept stepping back wanting desperately to push her but knew I would probably end up in jail as she would play the old lady card. her husband came over and she said, "kyk bertjie,kyk na haar" in a childlike voice. I said, "what is Berjtie gonna do, is he also going to assault me?" Obviously at this point `I was provoking her. Bertjie just shooed me away, "just go, just go , just go" either he was scared of her or...., " she said she would call the police, I dared her to as she had just hit me, she then used her boer tannie body to force me into my car. Once in the vehicle I decided to fold my arms and just sit there to provoke her not realising my doors were unlocked, i quickly locked them as she tried to yank one open, i put my car on and drove a few inches fwd, she ran to my window screaming so I reversed a few inches back, and this went on for a couple of minues before she started pounding on the window almost shattering it. I then let my window down and said,"don't worry old lady, I will pray for you tonight." in turn she strated screaming demonically, " no no no no , I will pray for you young girl" screeching like a screaming owl. Of course as I drove aw`ay she took down my registration.

I don't know, but that is one of my weirdest experiences ever.



And I did pray for her.

1 year clean

The whole reason I started this blog that I am not frequenting all that much lately, the whole rehabrehash thing was based on my addiction and living arrangements at the time, well now its been a year and that is something that has to go down in the history of this blog.
A year later with no meetings or fellowship here I am clean and sober with a puppy! It is possible to go through a theraputic process by other means which do not include sitting in circles holding hands and so on, BUT I am not here to knock the fellowship, simply I am saying, Hey me, Im proud of you, there are ways, many ways and hey if i have to see shrinks counselors and therapist to help guide me, im cool with that.

Well less is more, thank you

lodging a smirk at the the truckstop

Seriously I need to stop and reasure myself,remind myself that just. Because I drive faster does not mean I arrive quicker.
I am exhausted, trucks headlights blazing my vision. Wait a minute am I not the one who swears by no long distance driving by night,
Especially not in the middle of the karoo that bares not only silence and nothing but hundreds and hundreds of trucks wooshing by.
I swore by this because at night I become like a bat by dayt, I see nothing, only sense that the vehicle is head on. But oh oops that's what I have glasses for, so why I ask myself
Did I drive 2 hours in the dark without them, maybe - was testing to see if I was batted by dark, alas
The glasses came on and I could drive again.
After 9 hours we came to a halt, but a halt that took us in circles around a town seeking lodging, can't understand
Why it would take us an hour when all this town is made up of is liqour stores,guest houses,motels,hotels,b+b's,rooms,hostels and lodging after lodging,an hoyr?
Well that would be my grandma,everywhere - stopped she would find fault,I believe one was'there is a cat'(she has dogs), another was, 'this street is to high up' and so on,

Here we are in a little brick room,a dirty little brick room, next to a truck stop with lots of stray cats and on top of it
I'm sleeping next to a not very secure window,regarding all my waking nightmares are based on such a window...

So this bedbug haven could not be more perfect,that is not sarcasm, merely based on all its flaws I would not have a minute by minute comedy second, with gran,dogs,cats,truckers lodging and all

vulnerable love flaw

Sometime when you so busy being angry with someone who hurts you, you forget to closely into this person and it comes by as 'a mistake' a small detail.
I have been so angry and so busy resenting my dad, that I was blinded to anything that had anything to do with him. I stopped seeing him as human, he had no personality to me, no tone or expression and tonight something of a small miracle occurred after dinner.
I did not realise I had seen it til I got home, there he was, this man 'I hate' , I saw him as a real life person. He was scratching his hands, vigorously without even him noticing, but I did, I noticed, I saw him and I asked, "dad, why are you scratching your hands", he became like a child, alarmed that I would notice and embarrassed that I cared. I saw a vulnerable flaw. In this moment everything that stood, fell apart and all I saw was a dad, a stressed out dad who is normally a monster to me is in fact just like me, a person , a beautiful vulnerable person and at that moment even if just for that moment I was not angry and i love him. I am not angry and I feel love.

Rethink that Thought til it flies

Im here again and then Im there and then Im gone and now Im back. So it goes with everything in my life. never really sticking to anythhing, confident about everything at first and then I some how seem to steer off with another of my many ideas. I find it suprising that the only thing I have rally fully commited to was a six year, (unhealthy) relationship. Seriously?

I have been very occupied the last few weeks with new creative exciting adventures ,BUT, naturally now that things are comming together , self doubt is all bold in capital letters, highlighted in a white glow at the surface of my brain, etch etch etching away.
This has to work, I fight, self defeat and sabotage are two things i need to start rejecting. So rejection phase march forward.

I have started working at this little foods market on the side, selling tshirts for a friend. I like this market. I spend most of the day dreaming up my own many markets of over indulgence of creativity, I get the best eye candy ever and well I get to have a waffle or a pancake, what could be better then beauty,food and explortation.

To track things up , tyo help me from going to far in to things and sometimes not far enough, my problems with loniliness that I rarely admit to but live in from time to time, especially with my refusal to see people and my dismissive attitude when my phone rings, so well I have a new idea, Im getting myself a puuppy and her name is Phoenix, and my grandfather hates that name, and my father hates spaniels, and this one thinks I should do this and that one thinks I should do that, and everyone is weary about this puppy, MY Puppy, so I decided fuckit, this is my dog,I want a spaniel and it has nothing to do with reincarnating my late lulu pup, and I will name her phoenix, so phoenix see you in five days and lets be friends.

so It started as a thought and before I knew it , phoenix rose. It started as a favour at a market and before I new it, and idea flew, it all starts from somewhere, it could start from nothing, butsomething always starts from nothing, so I dont mind those nothings anymore....

leaves fall and trees crash

I don't know what it is with me? Surely if i lack self understanding it is impossible to ask or expect or think that another can possibly understand me. I'm tired, its tiring.

One moment all is great, My mood elated, clouds passing by, High!
the next, down, I can smell the damp of dirt,nasty thoughts knuckled in the sand!

Then frozen. Everything slows down, I meekly lay clutching a hot water bottle, rushing in slow motion/violently crashing.

Loneliness, taking air, blocking passages, a balloon whooshing between my ears,

another day, another night, wake me up in the morning

you wouldn't, would you?

Wednesdays are always fun or to the other extreme heart breaking. Today was somewhere in between, but mainly fun.
My therapist.... (my therapist , my therapist, my therapist...) I do love to idealise. My Therapist insists I am not in love with her,point blank insists! Seriously?

I did not fight her theory , I just kind of shrugged it off as if she were right, but I cant tell. Yes a bombardment of "its just because she is the only BEAUTIFUL woman I have interaction with at present", or "it's just because she is so warm, nurturing",or "this is what I do, I get close, I become overwhelmed and I fall, either in love, or lust, or all"

Having all is a tough one to crack, and My God yes it is a very tough one to crack, but I'm just gonna go it, I'm going to crack, not fall or explode, or let it seep from the facets of my weird personality, no I think to crack would be pleasant. Yes pleasant.

But when I say I'm in love with you, or someone, Take my word for it , because I know I mean it, even when I shouldn't.

Its Nana's birthday today, and as planned I have spent every minute of it with her. I'm closing in on the worlds greatest grand daughter.

Things are good and celebrations high, which means I to am in great spirits. My gran tears up every time she gets flowers or reads a card or opens a gift, naturally my eyes tear up simultaneously. Its a good kind of tear.

I walked around with a label on my shirt, representing the names of my sister,mom and last but not least Aunt, went to lunch with it,to the dvd store, Today i was all four of us, but now I'm just me.

Today my Nanas wishes were simple, to get a really ridiculous dvd , rampant with silly slapstick comedy. The reason, is all she wants for her birthday is to hear us laugh, so that's where I'm off to now, a journey of eternal laughter, well that's what it Will feel like, an eternity of 1 hour 40 minutes.

so Nana, To you: happy birthday (and yes she reads this from time to time)
x

game over

It must just be what comes with me, whirlwinds and freakstorms and sometimes bitter sweet aftermaths.

Simple things like, Ive lost a little weight,Ive got a job , urn my head around.

My heads turn round and I feel over exhilirated. This is how it works for me, one little bit of neglect and im in the pits, one tiny positive change and Im sitting in the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Deep breaths or no breath at all. Is that comsidered all or nothing?

Nothing can be wrong with this day and Im just going to enjoy it for what it is, but of course Im going to my dad for dinner and everything could change, but no I wont let it, I have to stop allowing others to be in controll of my feelings, sure I can give them (my dad) a little leway by letting him think he controlls my life, my feelings are a whole different ball game, a game i need to win or end.

Im taking a stand against control or being controlled for you can only really be controlled if you allow your self , the feelings that come with it are bonus or minus kill points. I feel to good to be let down, so no expectations and hopefully that will have an aded clause(you cant touch me unless I let you)

I shall see, take y brave self to the muddy ground, laced with land mines and other nasty tricks, I might not walk out unscathed, but I will come home alive.

all this drama for a few hours with my dad(he is afterall the one person that has remained the dominant them of betryl)

I will give him a chance and return to my bunker, the bunker of hope.

Assistant housewife

Nor my mom, nor I are housewives, but my mom has a knack of tacking that role and when Im with her I naturally take on the role of assistant.
Guess what Its not all that bad:

Came home and ate a vegetarian curry, me in tow with my mom hopped into her 4x4(housewife syndrome) a 4x4 her somewhat wealthy boyfriend has given her. My mom have something in common, we dont have jobs. She was recently fired and well I have no excuse. The 4x4 took us to a lovely jewelry shop where my mom had a braclet fixed.

So currry and a 4x4 ride to some jewelry, next stop Lezari, a very well known coffee hangout for the wives club. My mom who has not had coffee in all her 50 years had a machiato and we shared a cup cake, scanned the room, giggled like girls, played with a german womans dog, well, either she was gay or she was just german? We then bought my gran a gift and made our way to the grocery store, did some shopping,went to the post office to pick up something for her boyfriend, considered going to a gay bar but decided on a gallery. We picked up an etching her boyfriend bought had it framed and came home. (note to self: my moms boyfriends taste in art is very dark, a little sorded even, normally alot of blood or stencilled woman strangling her husban who strangles his child, mmm dont know if i would be in the same room as him,by myself?)

To save you the rest of the not so boring details where my mom prepares dinner for me and treats me like a princess, I got to act as an assitant to the ultimate wife.

so thats what they do all day, drive,socialise,shop,pick things up,drop things off and pick things up and chat on phones while driving, mmm pretty much a lot of what I do anyway.

with or without Freud

I spend a lot of time dreaming about counter transference, yes yes IM allowed to dream.

this grinding feeling of intentional or unintentional love for her. Evey time I find out more and that only happens every so often, the little details keep me keen. A knacking feeling to get closer but further apart are we.

She is cute, sexy and beautiful. Sure she is a bit of a perfectionist, perfectly so. I don not think she is a god, or has any superpowers, well maybe one or two.

I don't know may it is transference on my half, but so many years later, could it be? well I guess so many years later I still pry for counter transference, and how would I ever know anyway.

I think i need to start seeing someone other than just her.

cheers to the slight possibility of the counter and god dammit to the other.

flea market

All grown up and ready for the world are we?
Not sure there is ever an answer to that question? Take me, 31 years old and I'm only starting.
Ny starting I mean I have been told I'm ten years behind my peers. This does not mean I'm stupid
nor talented, It just means I'm a little slow.

Slow in the way that when there is an obstacle I find it, the upside is that with each obstacle there is a formulated building of strendht but a downscale of sensitivity, in the way that its heightened to the point that normal daily expectations are spiced for blows of insecurity.

Stamina slows down and sometimes I believe therapy,head doctors weaken, fragility, not all that easy/

On top of it I'm still in love with her, her being my grd 1 teacher,my first crush,second girlfriend,last girlfriend and my therapist.

buzzing bee state of mind.

I don't know after my psychiatrist handed me Im 10 years behind, my life became a little daunting. Most people I know, more or less m age, have careers, or are passionate arstists,designers and photographers, all the things I have been, all the things I know and all the things I say inhibit me. So call me a little lost when I have to start at a flea market selling tshirts,

Now now no need to be so negative, I cant wait to man that stall at the market, a feeling of being and the freedom to uncoat eye candy with good old fashioned conversation....

So let me be a faternity of silent ideas, until oneday they are silent no more

All I do is sit and stare,
unaware
tears rolled down my cheek
smoke peeled to lips, a freak

mountain view but unattached
all i see is a rope, a noose
morbid, maybe dont let me loose

tight enough to kill
round enough to fill
sadened subtle skin of mine
enough said, blow
smoke sucking the know
how to be alone
not alone but empty
the space inbetween whats left in me

sit there, look , stare at me
i dont care to look back and see
nothing
nil
no feeling, a pill
riding,stretching to riding
down ill

no muddy slide or groogy reel
no movies sights or slow peel
torture over and away
save or be saved

Bygone

One of those days, pro active in one-way and debilitating in another.
I decided to sort through my shit, and it applied almost literally.

I feel gutted and sad, maybe I have been pretending to be a okay, cos today I feel anything but.
Boxes and boxes of crap, and regurgitation of crapier feelings. I would think after a year of been broken up finding my ex girlfriends things amongst my stuff would be easy, like ‘ok, that’s hers, bin. Done.” No…

I found everything from underwear, to baby pictures, music equipment to an old toothbrush. I failed to understand this would leave a gash to the chest and a bump to the head.
This is silly, I even craved at one point, but no, I have come far to far for silly self-deceit like that.

Some times bygones are not as simple as bygones? But after procrastinating and smoke breaks every 15 minutes, I got though it, the craving past but a little sense of loneliness still lingers.

I’m growing up. Yes I still kept a few pictures and okay there’s one more really big box that I know contains really big feelings, so I will wait til my mom is here, honestly don’t really feel like doing this on my own.

Speaking of mommy, she’s been away a few hours and I find myself missing her, walking around saying mom would do this or mom would do that. Gosh, what has come over me, over emotionally sensitive to each movement in my life?

But hey, I think I might finally be growing up a little (hence crying for my mom at the age of 31, yeah: real grown up)

Its flashing a smash in the side of my head
moms snoring from her couch instead
a bottle of wine an a splash of gin
my migrane pounding from chocolate sin

eyes closed, face quinched, passed out
take a gander and see , a angel a lout
a turnaround bout

mom my heads sore
banging with each murmer of snore
gore,law,before It tore

goodnight lady wine
sleep pilss are binine
its just a rowdy fine

alarm clock please

MMM, what did I do today? Something I never do, something I would never even consider doing, ever… I arrived late, 30 minutes late to my therapy session. The part of my life I consider most sacred: my therapy session, and well obviously my therapist, cant take away from that.

I am never late for anything, but I am especially never late for my session. No, no way. So what happened is I go to bed to late, I wake up to late: but who’s watching anyway?
(Wicked sniggering) My phone died in my sleep, which means no alarm clock. My phone died? Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it practically sleeps in the same bed as I DO. Maybe I text in my sleep, wear the battery down, I don’t know.

I know I was having an intense dream about my therapist. I can remember the exact details but I remember it felt very real. And no unfortunately I was not taking her clothes off, seducing her in her chair, no sadly not, but we were having some in-depth conversation about saving someone and how I need to help her, then she looked at her watch and told me I was late. That’s when I woke up and realised, dead phone, no alarm, boom I’m late.

I pulled my clothes on, brushed my teeth, missed my meds and missed my coffee, but I got there and I barely remember, but I do know I have been more productive today then any other, well if you call productive driving around from mall to mall looking for magnets.

I decided that I should write a weekly schedule for my life but of course I needed magnets fore the schedule to be put on the fridge. The magnets became more important then the schedule and took up most of the day. I got a little side tracked at the malls, watching beautiful girls,woman,Goths.

Anyway my therapist must have said something to inspire me, a few hours later, no magnets but I have my schedule, whoa…

passer by

Just yesterday I was watching passers by out my moms window. For days I had noticed how a very tall African man, would walk past at 4 pm, everyday. What was different about him was the sound of tapping that led him. He held a stick, not any stick but a kind of wand that he used to see. Yes he was blind. I found him fascinating. The morning I left my moms house, I happened to be having my last cigarette before my journey. I was all packed up and ready to go, rushing through my coffee and everything became still, the man normally led by his Wanda stick, walked by, floating holding his baby, led with an arm by his wife. I appreciated this, I slowed down. The way I watched them like an old movie became the pause on mine.

Now I am seated in my home for the next six months, best described as a five star hotel suite, but hey I can live like this. I am unpacked; I have my food in the fridge. Okay sure it’s a little quite and no passers by at all, that will are some getting used to. But the silence is good, the view of the mountain is solace to my busy brain and yes the sprinkler system that goes off in the dark may startle me every time. I have a sense of stability here.

Well no lies here, not everything changes in a day, but from day to day each little thing that might change, really helps me feel…
And don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t mind a few other people in these empty houses that surround me, but I guess that to is a process.

Ok the sprinkler system just went off, which means I can go out and enjoy a silent fag.

My grandparents back in the day:

Perfectly amusing, entertaining and delicious Sunday lunch. The food as always devines, the cast on top form of play.

Today the cast was, Uncle dean, my grandparents and myself. We covered every form of conversation topic, from the lovely view, the perfect day to, the norm of politics, fashion and religion.

No arguments, just purity. I do not mean pure as in the blood of Jesus Christ, but pure in family bonding.

I mentioned I would do things differently today. A gazing on snow capped mountains from across the sea, my grandmother’s wholesome but mostly loving food. Giving my grandfather a hug and having a dance off with my uncle while driving! BLISS

Now I’m tending to my mom who has a migraine, that’s if you call buying loads of chocolate with someone who has a migraine helping. But we sit here and giggle and chuckle.

To all this initially I have my grand parents to ‘thank’



My Grandparents now:





My grandparents always...

sqaured

I think my eyes are squared and I’m convinced I can feel my thighs rubbing together. And this is a result of comfort eating and my addiction to marathon dvd gazing. I’ve said this one to many times, “enough is enough”, says I who is contemplating making a batch of pancakes for my mom. The finale of my days of probable moping. Diagnosis: ‘inadequate movement of the will syndrome. I will a way, I will a way, and sure I will a way from my couch. Today’s excuse for numbing movement was that it was raining. Perfect excuse to do a day of insignificancy. The difference with today is my mom has been my partner in this devious crime.

Pull it together cos its okay, a little bit of time in and loads of chocolate is not exactly suicide but it does make me rethink my situation, but then again I am constantly rethinking my situation. What is the situation right now anyhow? Nope, I’ve got nothing there.

Let me try again, tomorrow I will wake up and spend the day at my grandparents, so no couch oblivion, no guilty wrap, no over indulgence. What am I thinking of course there will be over indulgence, Its Sunday lunch.

What have I learnt today: I’ve learnt that it is possible for my mind to shut down if I entertain myself with to many anesthetized, mundane actions. From this I know I’m feeling sick physically and it seems there are no thoughts fluttering through my head.

So what am I going to change, well I will start with hardest thing, as I warm on doing most times, just diving in, so the hardest thing would be waking up before mid day, who knows an early morning could change my whole day? No?