Therapy says do this:

Wake up call: 7:30am. Cigarette and a coffee. Shower: 8:00am. Serentiry 8:30 am Cereal: 8:45am then leave. Traffic: 9:00 am and Finally Psychologist: 10:00am, this is where my day begins. 

I have not looked at her in sexually in a while. Today I could not help but notice her skinny grey jeans. Her hair tied back, which is rare and beautiful to look at. The way she laughs is infectious but I try to pretend I do not notice how perfectly human she is. 10:15am stop running my eyes… 

Become interested and listen. I have this habit of babbling away in our sessions jumping from one subject to the next without actually getting to any point, She of course has a talent of showing me the point and bring me back to the subject that’s most important. I liked how she said “if I work with anything creative I will be really good at it’ nice little boost for my ego or rather my self esteem that is so low, it helps me to believe. 

Self esteem is a tough one to ‘fix’ luckily mine is either really low where I believe I am nothing to high where I am convinced everyone is in love with me and everything I touch turns to gold. I imagine if I find a balance between those I can be healthily confident. So after being absorbed by process and of course her words, stance and movements but her Laugh, I leave the heaviest subject for the last 5 minutes. Naturally I leave feeling kind of disconnected and rush off to buy a chocolate: my quick fix. No drugs so comfort food. It works for a while and then I choose to forget the last few minutes of the session and focus what important for now. 

I need to learn how to set healthy boundaries as mine are well invisible at times. E.g.: a creepy kind of guy, who means well comes up to me to say hello, he greets me with a hug and what I think will be a peck, not so fast, I feel a wetness on my mouth because his is half open, I smile and pull away, he runs his hand across my cheek, I smile and say nothing. Well in the ‘real world’ I should say ‘what are you doing? Please don’t touch my face” or rather in the real real world I could try “what the fuck’ push him to the side and walk away. Neither. So boundaries are my focus for this week.

 I say I feel jolly good to all around me but sense I am not exactly Jolly jolly good. There is a good and a bad simultaneously and I’m not quite sure how to work with this. I will just let it be as it is, stop second guessing every feeling and let myself go to the dark sky on a magical white unicorn. I will soar over the ocean and dive in. A wave will carry me to shore and I will walk home. 

Thus having felt fear, adrenalin, hope and solace.