Soaring Flirt

To see you would be to escape me. The whole reason I am in this process is to be with me, so sorry my love today I will have to take a rain cheque.

Sitting in her office(my beautiful) therapist) I allowed to see myself and what my flirtation really is about. Yes it's a behaviour pattern I have learnt to cope. I revealed I am leaning on the deep side of flirting with my counselor. It was pointed out to me that my flirtation is not really based on sexual desire but rather A need to be loved and cared for. That I take it to the point of rejection. I do this almost subconsciously to install a deep rooted dynamic that hasn't worked for me for years.

The point is , this is no longer subconscious. Could it be all this therapy is working? Could it be I am naturally using the process of therapy to find and connect to my patterns, alone. This is what I am learning, this is just one behaviour and probably my most obvious:

I like to flirt, NO, I love it, I live off it. I find when I flirt everything else falls away. I have a strong flirtatious reaction to those I really care about, and crave for the,m to care for me. Its no longer just a flirt at this time. What I do is take it to the extreme border and push. See how much or how little I can get away with. My example for today is the obvious. I flirt with my councilor, I wand to see how far she will let me in? I want to test how much she can take and how broadly she will care. I know now If I continue like that it would be dangerous because I will end up in my deep rooted place of rejected, and therefore the cycle would continue. If I decide to be healthy and accept that she does care as it is, I do not have to charm or test, I just have to be. Maybe a few healthy flirtatious remarks but really just be naturally me.

If I am so uncomfortable to be just me, then what the hell is the point. I seek ultimate feelings of endearment, I seem to never be happy with what is already there, and what is already there is enough. I am still learning. Learning to understand my ways,warped or not, but just to know It self love I am truly seeking but this way outward love is what I am feeding.

No more to affection of rejection, purely just reflection of perception.

Self love= Reality of truth first in me and then surely I will no longer rush after more. I am starting to understand that the other cares as much as they can and its not for me to demand or expect more. I will loose the plot if I remain demanding to continual acceptance. Its self acceptance that will pave me a place to my palace. The palace where all is as it is, and in this is I accept, its me I'm testing, so rather not. Believe that this is enough and I will soar(even if for a while for I surely will not always apply, comply) I will soar.