Today I started some voluntary work. Ironically these kids are me 23 years back and funnily when we had to go through phonetics my learning disability is still loud. I sat in this sanded down primary school with the 2 most adorable kids, one 9 and the other 7. Dressed neatly in there uniforms on plain clothes day. The one boy threw his hands in the air each time he read and pronounced the vowels correctly and each time he did not he would throw his hands to his little forehead. I fell for him instantly.
We played this game with them and to my surprise I was the one who could not easily pronounce the vowels. To them this was funny to me I became incredibly insecure. I cant believe I was sitting in a class room as I used to receiving extra lessons. It took me back to my frustrations of feeling stupid and less than. I used to hate extra lessons, Ritalin, but mostly being the kid in the corner who was 'special' and now I have my 2 very own 'special' kids
I thought about it afterwards and it is definitely a lesson I am willing to take in my life. I not only have the privilege of working with 2 amazing boys but I can face my insecurities from their age and together we can learn.
I cant shake my rejection issues, I am planning an evening tonight and as I am going with a girl I know from circle but don't really know at all, It feels like a first date. The social pressure is exhausting. I have always found it hard to be with new people, but like this morning with the learning perhaps this is another lesson, I can learn how to be social without being sexual.
Actually its quite exciting this will be the first time in 4 months I am doing something out of this rehab haven, with someone completely independent from this rehab haven.
Tonight I will wander the grounds of the fair, with the smell of candy floss sticking to my palette. Getting on rides that will launch me into freedom from the solitude I seem to ride. I will walk amongst the sounds of screeching children as they laugh with gusts of excitement.
Tonight I will be the child I lost and become the adult I find in lights of steaming carou"souls"and vibrations of bumper cars.
Tonight I will swing from go fish and I might not win A teddy bear but I will win a prize...
That prize will be inner child with toffee apple stuck to the little me.
P I C T U R E S P R E T T Y P L E A S E ! !
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