Us and them, Them and Us , We are them and They are us

now I realise I have a tendency to jump around a bit with my thoughts...

I am in a very jovial mood today , a mood some interpret waywardly. I enjoy this mood, I find laughter in everything. I find a way to play. Now because of all this on going analysing I suppose I have to dissect what I mean by I find a way to play. Today by play I do not mean, observe, reel in and attack. Today by play I do not mean, take, flirt and fall... Today I mean:

Took a walk to the beach, had an ice cream, built a sand castle with a friend.
While a counselor searched my room, my, draws, the pockets of my jeans, my dirty underwear, usually I might get angry but I blissfully watched with a running commentary as she went through my 'hidden' life. (sure the dirty underwear I would put on my awkward moment list. I probably would give that a miss next time.' I'm still unsure as to what they were searching for, drugs I suppose.
As a result they did find drugs, very many drugs. Drugs for bi polar. As a result I have received my second warning at the house fun. The rules state that all medication should be locked up in provided lockers. I explained that I am far to lazy to run up and down the stairs 3 times a day and would rather keep them close. I still got the warning.

I had the pleasure to endure my weekly goal setting group. Yes I went to more 12 step meetings, I saw my sponsor and I did step work. These are all the things they seem to think is good recovery. I am not entirely in agreement with this concept. I believe there is more to recovery. I do not believe that recovery should be measured by how many meetings you go to etc... I believe recovery is a process, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Yes the meetings are a support system and the 12 steps are a form of growth, the sponsor a connection. Recovery for me is not only that of recovering from addiction. I think that sometimes they are out of their depth, so brain washed by the programme they forget to see me/you/us/them. I believe for me, to recover, is to feel, see and believe. With that I can be guided through. When I share my ideas I am instantly gunned down with "do you think you special and different? Don't you think others have been trying to find other ways." well my answer to that is this "Yes I do think I am different , and I know I am special, everyone is different and special" "Yes I do believe others have thought outside of the 12 step programme box" I also know they may have found a way and we just don't know about it because we are not given permission to know about it. They continuously say you must always be open minded to recover and yet when I approach the ideas of something other than this programme , I never find open mindedness.

Now I don't want to be a anarchist of the recovery way that works for man, I have no doubt that it has saved many a life, I just want to be acknowledged when I choose to view other ideas, Instead of been shot down with if you don't do this you will never recover, for I feel that is not fair and entirely untrue. I will I know unless I try. This is the 21st century and there is always more than one way to do something. I strive to find the way that truly works for me, a way I feel is in sync with my soul. This way exists, I need not search for it as my instinct feels it, knows it and will live it.

I do want to recover, I want to feel centered and connected. I know I can not use for If I do I fall in to a hell known to none. I also know that Na/AA is not the only way. At this moment of my life I will do all they suggest and not always with ease but only because I need help and guidance. There is always hope. I may not have anything profound to say, but I know this I see me!

So how I went from describing my playfulness to my longing of acceptance or just acknowledgment. Acknowledgement that it is OK for me to DREAM!