The latter OR the lesser Or What's the matter?

I have a migraine and it’s not easy. I was sat at a 5 o’clock AA meeting when I was appalled at a woman who clearly has issues with “you people in early recovery” You see ideally at these meetings people aware not meant to dive advice or opinions. She was not shy looking down on those who do not have the same ‘good recovery’ as her. “You people in early recovery need to stay away from money and sex because that is what will bring you down!” she went on to make it worse for herself by telling the lesser that females are the weaker sex and will fall. I seriously had to bite my tongue for if I had not, the AA meeting would turn into a debate then argument and then probably a boxing match. I almost said “well I have no money and I am definitely not having any sex, so I guess that makes me a recovery success” I did no such thing.

 I did loose myself in thought regarding my resentments. That was the real topic for the meeting. It suited me because my weekend was full of old resentments coming up. Note to self: When I brood in my resentment I become my own enemy, the resentment becomes me and I it! It started with old anger. From there I started picking fights.

 I fought with my uncle about the new tax laws on the “stinking rich” as he calls them. We ended up raising our voices. He accused me of being bourgeois and I retaliated with “you don’t know who you dealing with, you are PATHETIC’ tempers flew. We were stopped by an angry grand father “if you two don’t stop I will throw my wine at you!” we giggled and instantly that argument was out the beautiful window with a view of a very choppy sea.

 Point is, when I’m holding on to past anger, I allow myself for old behaviours to run free. It is unhealthy for me flare up and fight. I asked myself after, what is this? I know those I love the most and find I attack those I love the most hurt me. It becomes a round about free fall.

 I am admittedly all over the place. I am finding it hard to be comfortable with me today. Sitting back home, the bunch of beatniks I call us. Everything is accentuated, a loud laugh and the guitar that travels into my cells. I am not sure do I want to climb the walls from irks of others, or am             I annoyed because this is a well rounded nut house of transcended fortunes I need to endure. Endure to become the non lesser of me and own the reality of no longer being confined to a line. An opportunity to learn with others, through others with all its crazy quirks,            

 The old man, who never leaves his room. as he stares out the window, waiting to be saved. The old man that stumbles and seems to be under the influence, pretending to read a book, hiding the trueness behind his pages. The young boy clicking his pen, just waiting for words to fall from the ink. The elder lady who pretends to be twenty, fixing her hair in the mirror, wanting to jut be observed for a second. The quiet lady who never speaks, hiding I imagine a UN endurable pain. The pretty young girl hidden by ghosts and trying all she can to be a part of herself, striving to find where she fits and who she loves. Sleeping beauty I call her while she lays away from her pain.  Oh and so many more gifted people in this house I live in.

 Not forgetting me, the person with a life that resides in my head and breathes through my chest, just hoping the answer will fall from my sky of opportunities. A dark sky with a lively moon.

 

Yes…

 

Today I am exactly where I need to be!