If I was positive all the time, That would make me super human. Of course I would love to believe(sometimes do) That I have power. That I am more. That I can do what I want and have who I want.
I am not (always) super human, today I am feeling fragile , vulnerably, typically human.
I like to be reminded how human I am, but honestly I find it easier pretending to be ... well what ever I want to be. Sometimes I believe my own bullshit, I am sure I'm not alone there.
I often see my self apart from myself, these moments can be scary but they can be comforting. To balance human and super human and maybe a little bit of not human at all. would be a rather unique me. This feeling less than anything, deserving of nothing is just one passing moment of the day. Maybe even just a part of my moods(polar moods) (polar opposites) (polar bear?)
Have you heard of the elastic trick? Well here's how it goes: when you think of calling someone you may not under any circumstances or you stand to destroy lives(problem is I have feelings for this person and I want to know more than anything if they OK) for reasons to be explained soon enough, this person is out of bounds and it would be completely unethical in the nature of our relationship to have any contact with one an other. I never realise how much this would hurt me. Anyway, babbling along: the elastic trick: I wear a rubber band round my wrist, to ensure that every time I think of contacting this individual, I stretch the band as far out as possible and let it slap the softest part of my skin where it stings the most. Point of this trick, is apparently psychologically, every time i think of this person and sting myself with this band, my mind should connect the pain with the person. Somehow this has been designed to work. BUT: for this I must be super human as it does not work at all. Or I am just human as I forbid for it to work as that's how badly I want to hear from this person.
Well if anything my rubber band is keeping me busy and gets people looking at some kind of masochist freak, walks through the mall, on the beach, sitting in a restaurant strumming a piece of elastic , slapping my skin like a snare. I would say maybe I have found my balance: using silliness,pain,love and a ridiculous non effect psychological game. The game being my rubber band. Although now that I think of it, I'm thinking more about the rubber then the call.
so guessing my guilt conscience that stings more should effectively become on par with the band and walla there we have it a superhuman, powerful being spiced with normal vulnerable human becomes balanced by the line of the rubber. (protection)
