Hang-Man

Sweep me away from here. There were moments today where I found myself standing on the edge of my mountain. To let the wind take me and soar. To let the wind take me fall.

 We have these sessions here called conjoints. Combining all or both people or things involved: conjoint family therapy.

This is my story: In brief.

My relationship with my father has never been formed, as many we are sure. I have memorie

s I used to let bury me. In short I have been deeply hurt by this man, my dad. The past is the past and I leave that aside. One thing that still lives is the not being a part of. For years I have been trying to creep into my daddies heart. Like a little girl I have laughed and then cried. Like an adolescent I have rebelled and screamed. As an adult I have no action for I never learnt what to do as an adult.

 My father was the guest for today’s conjoint. My behaviour has been completely inappropriate. I have been upside down, stressing. Not normally a candidate for anxiety, I know now.  My morning I spent on the sand of the beach, as every wave crashed with every thought. I became agitated and self-destructive. In-group I sat next to my counsel wanting to scr

eam. Somebody listen, somebody hear me ‘I am scared”, my voice did not sound to the occasion.

 Standing, just touching my councillors hand. A mutual affection, she was irritated with me and her touch was gone, she let go of my hand before the group had closed. I took this very personally and felt intense rejection; I thought she let me fall. I felt scared that she would not support me with my dad. I crumbled or rather I screamed. I swore at her and threatened her and screeched off in my car.

 Self sabotage? Or unmanageable feelings? Whatever my adolescent coping skill drove me. Anger. I did not realise how fast I was driving and I did not know where I was going. I came to in a field, I found myself crying. I did not know how I got there but I melted in greenery. My tears were not few. As I sobbed I found myself staring at a hanging ground.

Thoughts of suicide took over. I rationalised. I am sad but I am strong. I drove and wept I wept and relief began to loosen me up. This was necessary although unnecessary. Another approach could be, “hey you, I’m hurt|” and cry.

I don’t have to take things to some dramatic climax all the time; I can get the same relief from just standing where I am.

 The conjoint came and went and I know now I worked myself up and worked myself over. I hurt people in between. Sure he seemed to wear a mask unknown. Naturally I could not be myself alone. “Dad” I said, “Its simple all I need from you is to be a part of you,” I think although he doesn’t understand my pain. I know he doesn’t have to. As long as he knows and I know my part to “I avoid him” he said and I thought yes he’s right, I tend to avoid pain.

 It does not have to be so dull and gloom. This is past pain, this is not now. I can’t fester in what keeps me sick. All I can do is be patient and kind. Yesterdays misunderstanding is lost, not forgotten but forgiven. What happens tomorrow is for tomorrow to reveal.