hanging on the telephone

Come On... I cant believe what I am allowing to go on in my mind right now. The nerve. With these thoughts I completely get why some believe me to be strange, or wierd, or just plain psycho. Well it goes like this:

I remember over the last four years that I have been 'seeing' my therapist, i have never really asked for her mobile number but I am sure I have hinted on more than one occassion, and well her answer always went like so "I dont give my number out to people" so on one occasion I said, well if I really wanted it Im sure I could find it. Noting to myse;f how ridiculous I must sound, kind of stalkerish maybe? no, you think? So to my dismay I stumbled upon her number on the internet and went balistic, felt rejected, how dare she? Refuse to give me her number when she gives it out to every tom, dick and harry on the interenet. I took this very personally. Not only at how easy it was to get her number but at the mere thought that she must think there is something seriously wrong with me that she refused her number to me but not to the world wide web.

Mmmm okay, maybe this is why. I mean i seem like a stalking regular. Maybe the very same reason I did not write down the number and blocked myself from that page with her digits, is the same reason she did not give me her number.

Yes yes, I am a nut job, in the sense of neediness and a constant want to be cared for, taking a number of my therapist who is not my friend as a sign of utmost rejection. Reminding myself if i did take this number, the likes of me abusing it are probable. As I do go into wierd little whirlwinds of i want attention and I want it yesterday, scenarios. Where I become uncontrollably posessed by the need to have what I can not.

So good bye to your personal number and hopefully hello to a new behaviour where I change my perception in noting that not everything is personal! (hopefully anyway)

a vague realism

I guess I would say I accomplished what I wanted to do in the last two days: me time. I guess I was unsuccessful at leaving the house (ever). I was successful at cooking three meals by meals I mean 1) Tomato soup. 2) Beef fillet with roasted peppers and baked potato and #) French toast. So yes for me that's cooking. I was successful at watching six dvd. When asked what I watched I cant seem to recall all of them. So i ate, smoked(cigarettes) , watched a hell of a lot of tv and slept in late. I would say I was escaping. I no longer use drugs as a form of escape so staying at home loosing myself to a warm blanket, good food and a movie is my escape.

It was successful, i accomplished my goal, which was not see anyone and just be with myself, next time I will try some silence to.

So that's me, and now here I am back home with my grandparents ready to take on what ever it is that's intended for me to take on. right? what is that....

I have been having these awful scary but meaningful dreams. Such as all the people I love are in dangerous placed and very threatened. In these dreams I always have to save them, but sometimes I cant save them at all, and I wake up crying. Crying and have a splitting headache. Of course this gets me thinking, or rather dissecting these dreams and I guess it all comes down to dreams being a sequence of events combined with memory, sub conscience, feelings and fears(notice how I differentiate feelings from fears) Any way my therapist suggested to me it was a fear of certain people not always being there and my constant need to always keep everyone happy. (she has a point.) There was one thing I cant shake in this dream there is a woman I have never met and she is my wife and we have children, and I have to protect them) well who ever that woman is, if she is to be my wife and we are to meet in my real life, i will be very happy) where can I start looking. no no, I don't look. We meet, someway when I have forgotten. Isn't that normally how it works, wait a minute this is a dream from some other place, and I would want no part in the other parts of this dream, so no "psychic abilities" unwelcome here.

buttons and dreams

"The old ladies in Fish Hoek are as mean as buttons! Well if buttons are mean?" My grand mother said to us at the dinner table tonight. It's definitely a phrase I Wont forget. Just after she said it, there was aloud noise outside. Like some kind of metal sheet smashing to the ground. I am so easily spooked I jumped and we checked the perimeters of the house. Convinced someone was waiting to pounce on me outside, I had my grandfather escort me to the garden, while I smoked, just to make sure no one was there. Well No one is there!

I have always been easily spooked and as a result of what ever that noise was, I know I will find it hard to sleep. It is no doubt a result of all the break ins I experienced as a child, including my moms scream when an intruder was trying to strangle her. Well I never knew that part til last week. I do of course remember the screaming and a strange man running in to my room, where my sister and I had decided to have a sleep on the floor. So I remember the stomping confusion and brown boots. The next day on the wall we found yellow foot prints, so for a large part of my child hood I believed a yellow man had broken in.

So now as an adult when ever I am unsettled i become terribly rattled. I have a fear of intruders. Maybe I should just convince myself that small "yellow" men can do no harm. Believing that intruders are just part of the darker side of my imagination. I can then use my lighter side to create giant red beautiful woman. These woman are yellow men catchers. Mmm almost like a dream catcher. Therefore I am protected.

That reminds me, I said to my therapist today, I'm tired of everyone trying to protect me(specifically my dad), I cant be protected! She asked me to repeat that, "I said I just cant be protected!!" she wanted to understand what I meant by that, really at the time I did not know and my answer was obvious, well how is anyone going to protect me from me? I am putting some more thought into why I would say it. " I cant be protected " is quite the statement, I need to understand it myself.

For now I am happy to be protected by fiery , giant lady 'yellow men" catchers.

delusion or solution

Well, so much for my diet. I have spent most of the day , viciously biting the heads off bunnies(yes they chocolate) Devouring non alchohlic trifle made just for myself, some crumpets for breakfast, Delicious chicken casserole in between. I say this with a white coated chocolate egg in my mouth, deciding what will I have for dinner. Thank goodness for the litre of water I used to wash this down.


So what is really going on for me? Am I using this whole Easter weekend as an excuse for gluttony or am I perhaps using food as a drug? Well that's all debatable. It becomes null and void once i place myself on the scale. STOP!

I had a visit with my councilor today. A new old councilor. She is quite direct. Shoots me to the chair and opens my eyes. I go on about this and that, and how my life has no meat, and just existing really is just not good enough. How I hate it here and there and everybloodywhere. I have been depressed, my eyes on the ground, vicious cycle of up and down. I mentioned my latest obsession of visual diaries and my own art therapy, blah blah blah.

She struck me with her sharp words once again. As I drove home , I said loudly 'oh so that's how a therapeutic process works" when you've left the room. I became more hopeful with undertones of negativity, as it does not just vanish. But it's a working process. It got me thinking about what I do want and why I want to live where I want to live. I realised with that thought pattern it pushes the what I don't want over the edge. Sure I want to watch that negative self talk, hitting the ground after falling from 300 story building. To just die would be far to easy for me of course.

To have a new undertone, slightly meshed with the old, is more hopeful than just the old. I mean seriously, let me look at my situation again. Yes I'm confused, where do I live what do I do? Yes I am fragmented and slight disconnect from people and self. But it's not all that bad. I am lucky if anything, to be living by the sea, with people who love and feed me, listen to me , speak to me. I wake every morning near sunrise engaging in beauty and a bit of surreal her or there. I am on a holiday , a journey of being exactly where and what I have to be.

I am curiously finding my own neverland with a stable frame of everland.

Soaring Flirt

To see you would be to escape me. The whole reason I am in this process is to be with me, so sorry my love today I will have to take a rain cheque.

Sitting in her office(my beautiful) therapist) I allowed to see myself and what my flirtation really is about. Yes it's a behaviour pattern I have learnt to cope. I revealed I am leaning on the deep side of flirting with my counselor. It was pointed out to me that my flirtation is not really based on sexual desire but rather A need to be loved and cared for. That I take it to the point of rejection. I do this almost subconsciously to install a deep rooted dynamic that hasn't worked for me for years.

The point is , this is no longer subconscious. Could it be all this therapy is working? Could it be I am naturally using the process of therapy to find and connect to my patterns, alone. This is what I am learning, this is just one behaviour and probably my most obvious:

I like to flirt, NO, I love it, I live off it. I find when I flirt everything else falls away. I have a strong flirtatious reaction to those I really care about, and crave for the,m to care for me. Its no longer just a flirt at this time. What I do is take it to the extreme border and push. See how much or how little I can get away with. My example for today is the obvious. I flirt with my councilor, I wand to see how far she will let me in? I want to test how much she can take and how broadly she will care. I know now If I continue like that it would be dangerous because I will end up in my deep rooted place of rejected, and therefore the cycle would continue. If I decide to be healthy and accept that she does care as it is, I do not have to charm or test, I just have to be. Maybe a few healthy flirtatious remarks but really just be naturally me.

If I am so uncomfortable to be just me, then what the hell is the point. I seek ultimate feelings of endearment, I seem to never be happy with what is already there, and what is already there is enough. I am still learning. Learning to understand my ways,warped or not, but just to know It self love I am truly seeking but this way outward love is what I am feeding.

No more to affection of rejection, purely just reflection of perception.

Self love= Reality of truth first in me and then surely I will no longer rush after more. I am starting to understand that the other cares as much as they can and its not for me to demand or expect more. I will loose the plot if I remain demanding to continual acceptance. Its self acceptance that will pave me a place to my palace. The palace where all is as it is, and in this is I accept, its me I'm testing, so rather not. Believe that this is enough and I will soar(even if for a while for I surely will not always apply, comply) I will soar.

Do me a favor and FUCK OFF

One would think with all the experience on has in emotional 'intelligence' and understanding of how one works, one would be more prepared for an emotional day=

With all my therapy I am still human and the only way I can express this feeling that finds its way to suffocate me is : "I may be therapized BUT I'm human!" Hold the reins and keep me safe I pray.

Disturbed well laying down in the heat dosing off to the sound of the rats in the ceiling, sounds like they the size of 2 cats. Scratch, wink, scratch, blink, scratch, sleep. The phone rang and it was a disturbing call. Like everyone I have issues, a issue caught me in my sleep and when I opened my eyes I was on the phone and it was real. Its not the concept or the fact, its the ongoing behaviours from another that pains me. I can only change my perception of what is, I can not change the reality that proceeds me.

Phone down, done with that. Speak to my Nana for a while. I am scared I cry, I am angry but mostly I can not let go of this resentment. All hail I must! It buries me, I become the rat in the ceiling. Only I am scratching from under the ground, gasping for air. My resentment turns form sand to mud and I become stuck, trapped. 

I need to choose what I do with my last bit of air. Do I take myself out and drown/ death by pain. Or do I let go and forgive? The mud dries, the sand falls, I feel my face in the light. I breathe.

Dirty and broken I reach out to the person in my life that pains me most, he reaches back and I weep. I weep the dirty sand off my face and smile.

Still unsure and weakened, my gut speaks, my throat clogged, my chest faded: I feel sick. Emotionally freaked. 

As I talk through this with the place I call home: my grandparents, I feel better. "The talking cure" Things settle, for some seconds and  bam a new slap in my face= THE EX.

Where did this come from and why. I find myself querying why now , how this. I don't know if I can take it, to late it's been taken. Once again its not what I'm feeling Its what I do with this feeling.

Pained by her exorcism from me, the way she forgets in but just a day. We were once friends and foe we came. I hate her, I love her, This just cant be. Why now when I'm down.

But hey, i know its temporary. Today it will burn and tomorrow I will choose to take a dip in the sea. I will have Sunday lunch. I will go back to my weird little rehab. Its OK for tomorrow I will still be me. Although I sometimes feel I can not survive the rejection. Rejection being , immense pressure applied to ones chest. side effects: shallow breathing, sharp pains, teary eyes and violent dreams. Cure: sit with the feeling, connect to the feeling, the feeling does not own me. Waked up tomorrow and remind yourself , we are never alone!

A photo says more than a million words

So I have been doing some digging.
I have found a creative way of working through my issues, my feelings stagnated in me from my past and my general memories of all feelings I have lived.
I have been told time and time again that there is a sadness in my eyes, a darkness that lurks from time to time. Of course there are times when there is a sparkle or a tear, I am human. I have recently become so fixated on getting to the core of my sadness or what I believe to be a dark force other than me.
In the 12 step programme To do these things you approach step 4{We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves} Which includes Facing every resentment,feeling,guilt,shame,fear,relationships,sex,abuse,assets,secrets. The idea of this is to face these, share them with another and move on.
I have done this before, I had 240 pages of this and it got me thinking, let me do this a little differently. I was vacuumed into millions of ideas that danced around my being. Impulsively I grabbed a photo album and it began. I found a heartfelt, intense way to unblock my channels and really face my reality. I walked into my past. This can be dangerous.

My creative visual diary is upon me, I spent the last 2 days scanning and studying my entire path from birth. This is an amazing visual gateway to my soul, I found sadness at the age of 3, I found a darkness at the age of 6, I spiraled and it has all come naturally to me. From birth to now, just from pictures I have been able to acknowledge my feelings, I truly have found a connection through photos of every feeling I have felt or learnt. My connection to every first emotion, every fear, guilt, joy, shame : the lot! I have found a way to connect to my soul.

This of course will have to be temporary for if one is to get lost in there past they may never walk into there future. I know for now this helps give me a guided tour through a therapeutic walk of my life. Using it with caution at my own risk to truly let go...