My day began with an early morning walk through the mist on the beach. I was approached what seemed to be wolves...The pups leaped on me, either side I held them in my arms and let them lick my face.
This is the affection I desired. To be held by a k-9.
I fell to the sand as they ran circles round me, feeling safe and calm.
Not to hunt and not to be hunted.
The owner, resembling a raster smiled and waved "They really love you!" All I could think was I need to get myself a wolf, lone I will no longer be.
Soon my day took a turn. I have been feeling weak for some days now. Purging when I eat. Sleeping all the time. First I thought depression, then I was attacked inside with aching pains, my heart beat to fast, my hands tremored more than usual. Of course my mind becomes weak when my body withdraws. I feel like there is poison in my blood and evil in my head. No one seemed to believe I was Ill and this angered me more. Like teasing a baboon with food and eating it. I was livid. I claimed my feelings with anger. When really all I needed to say was how I felt. Instead I made a scene denying anyone any access to me, stormed off, out of a group and went to the sea, only to come back five minutes later as I let my phone behind. Some statement that turned out to be.
I found myself explaining to my councilor that I am scared, that sleeping all the time and feeling weak is not me. I am built like an ox and don't get sick often. I was scared because my mind was unravelling. I feel when I am ill I cant take the reins on my emotions, I become to vulnerable and crave my mother.
I suppose I need to allow myself to feel weak, in body and mind. I suppose its not all that bad that I have a stomach bug(after going to the doctor) and in a sense my mind has been infected with the letting go bug. perhaps I needed to get sick to release my tight hold on feeling.
With the wolves running by my side in spirit, I run with them: feeling what needs to be felt so despairingly.
it is true that what ever is being emotionally released will in its turn be physically released too in illness and bodily symptoms. I know its a bug but still a way in which your body is releasing what your emotional body is releasing. so roll wit hit and allow it and youll soon feel like the cremora again!
ReplyDeleteAnd the wolves oh the wolves-how i love the wolves--im to be in a video shoot soon where i wake up in bed with a dying wolf and try and revive it. the girl had this vision for the video shoot and in the vision was I.
I love you bug buggie
I like wolves. sometimes,being sick can be a good thing somehow,I treat it as an escape route from the pain I feel in my heart.
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