Do me a favor and FUCK OFF

One would think with all the experience on has in emotional 'intelligence' and understanding of how one works, one would be more prepared for an emotional day=

With all my therapy I am still human and the only way I can express this feeling that finds its way to suffocate me is : "I may be therapized BUT I'm human!" Hold the reins and keep me safe I pray.

Disturbed well laying down in the heat dosing off to the sound of the rats in the ceiling, sounds like they the size of 2 cats. Scratch, wink, scratch, blink, scratch, sleep. The phone rang and it was a disturbing call. Like everyone I have issues, a issue caught me in my sleep and when I opened my eyes I was on the phone and it was real. Its not the concept or the fact, its the ongoing behaviours from another that pains me. I can only change my perception of what is, I can not change the reality that proceeds me.

Phone down, done with that. Speak to my Nana for a while. I am scared I cry, I am angry but mostly I can not let go of this resentment. All hail I must! It buries me, I become the rat in the ceiling. Only I am scratching from under the ground, gasping for air. My resentment turns form sand to mud and I become stuck, trapped. 

I need to choose what I do with my last bit of air. Do I take myself out and drown/ death by pain. Or do I let go and forgive? The mud dries, the sand falls, I feel my face in the light. I breathe.

Dirty and broken I reach out to the person in my life that pains me most, he reaches back and I weep. I weep the dirty sand off my face and smile.

Still unsure and weakened, my gut speaks, my throat clogged, my chest faded: I feel sick. Emotionally freaked. 

As I talk through this with the place I call home: my grandparents, I feel better. "The talking cure" Things settle, for some seconds and  bam a new slap in my face= THE EX.

Where did this come from and why. I find myself querying why now , how this. I don't know if I can take it, to late it's been taken. Once again its not what I'm feeling Its what I do with this feeling.

Pained by her exorcism from me, the way she forgets in but just a day. We were once friends and foe we came. I hate her, I love her, This just cant be. Why now when I'm down.

But hey, i know its temporary. Today it will burn and tomorrow I will choose to take a dip in the sea. I will have Sunday lunch. I will go back to my weird little rehab. Its OK for tomorrow I will still be me. Although I sometimes feel I can not survive the rejection. Rejection being , immense pressure applied to ones chest. side effects: shallow breathing, sharp pains, teary eyes and violent dreams. Cure: sit with the feeling, connect to the feeling, the feeling does not own me. Waked up tomorrow and remind yourself , we are never alone!