The crying game

DONT TRY THIS AT HOME:

I went to the dietitian today and she "fired" me. Suggested i do not return until I've cried , I know she can not help me until I decide to be helped but this concept of cry at the click of my fingers seems strange. I was not really affected by the slight rejection because I was using her as yet another stranger to talk to.

I drove home in the fast lane. returned right on time for community, we were asked if there are any secrets in the house. The house fell silent. We were than asked if anyone is having sex ? Any secret showers in the dark? silence. "Is anyone having sex?" I answered obnoxiously "only with myself" although I was joking it did not go down well, I looked away sheepishly, blushing as the councilor said "that is not appropriate" Sometime I say things without thinking, a impulsive reaction to a awkward silence. 

Supper was had and everyone rushed off to meetings. I stayed in, holding on to this crying concept deciding to give it a go. I looked into the mirror, directly into my eyes and I asked" what are you scared of, let me go!" I cried, it was not easy. I fought off every tear with a punch, a void. But soon the blow was free and I was sobbing in my own arms, consoling every tear with a touch from mine own. I was comforting myself and by this I became uncomfortable. 

So I did not follow the suggestion of watching Marley and me to cry. I just stared into my soul and all was over, or rather its just began. I can say after four months of no tearful cries, its good to weep into my care, to be loved by my heart, for me by me. I am proud to say I could give my self permission to look inside and lets my tears out where they belong, out! I am ashamed to say I do not permit myself to feel, I stop with a blow to the face and a hole in my gut. This is OK for I have turned on the taps, to close them only til I am ready to face my demon of utter nonsense. 

I do not mean to be dark and not all is lost, this is just where I am for today and tomorrow ...

What's inside of me

Is more or less than mystery

A tear I see

Is NOT misery

Pure fear , I cry

Take the evil out from inside

No mystery

I can happily be,         me