The sky is not falling

Today I remember the voice of Chicken Little from my childhood, "The sky is falling" My world today is similar to this story, except I am not a chicken and my 'friends' are not farm animals.

One still beautiful morning I was drinking my coffee, staring at the calm sea. The sun came up from over the mountain as I hummed happily to myself.
Suddenly a voice came down and hit me right in the gut, bringing up old feelings. I dropped my cigarette and looked up. I could see the shadow of my stepmother and feel my heart go numb. Unaware she had dropped an "acorn on my head" unravelling in my heart, feelings still carried through from a harmful seated place.

"Oh fuck" I thought, "The sky is falling! I must run and tell my therapist" As i drove past there house, towards town, I called my mom who was working. "Why, 'chicken little', whats wrong with you?" asked my mommy.
"oh fuck mom, the sky is falling,and I'm going to tell my therapist!"
"Oh,'chicken little'what do you mean?"
"I saw it, I heard it, I smelt it,I felt it with my very own eyes,mind,heart and ears" I answered.
"I am here for you" my mom said calmly.

You get the point...
Basically I spent the weekend at my dad, A whole lot of stuff came up that I don't understand. I understand I can not change who they are or what is said to me , or even what they think of me. I just cant understand why certain things are so hurtful and I am helpless. I am not helpless over how I react to these things, BUT today was one of those days I felt The sky was falling, the ground was sinking and rocks were been thrown at me from the ground.

The chicken little saga, is that how I reacted , I was flustered, spending my day phoning my nearest and dearest, spitting out my frustration, hurling my hurt at the wrong people, I was angry, I brought everyone along for this ride. Angrily "why are they like this and why do they do this and why would they treat me in that way" (THE SKY WAS FALLING: and I was screaming it out to all)

I stopped at what I now refer to as my "parole officer" being my councilor. I got angry with her, telling her I'm sick of 'them' (my councilor and shrink) one tells me to do this , the other that and I become confused. With venom in my speech, I said "why don't the two of you just print out a list, telling me which books I can read,which movies I can watch,what people I can see etc, so that I can meet your bloody standards!" "Where does that anger come from ?" she asked, "The sky is falling, The sky is falling"

Home sweet home at my grandparents and where I am very happy to be. It started out well, I spoke of my weekend and then it happened again, those old feelings from childhood of not being welcomed and never understood, sometimes even heavily punished for being 'special and different' , yup, heaven came crashing and "the sky was falling"

phew, and then just like chicken little, after the fox tried to eat him and his friends, my fox being my mind going all negative on me and brandishing me to rocks and mud. All I was thinking, I need to tell my therapist, I want to tell her now. Things turned, grandparents suggested a lovely walk by the sea. I moaned and said no and called my mom, she laughed, 'that's okay, don't go for a walk, just sit with yourself and soak in self pity. So like chicken little I screamed once more "the sky is falling" I walked down the lane,through the dust roads,past the green sea,around the thistle trees,and back to the car and up the lane to home. Brought in the garbage bin and sat outside calmly with me, To my grand parents delight I forgot all about telling my therapist the sky is falling. To there delight, i no longer believed the sky was falling.

Today this was me.

no pain no gain

You know that feeling

When you go to the bank to draw money and the screen screams insuficient funds( )
when you wait eagerly for your date and they don't show up ( )
When its your birthday and u expecting a specific call and the phone doesn't ring ( )
When you wait for your dad to pick you up for a holiday, u realise u in the dark with your bag and he doesn't come ( )
When you write an exam and get the wrong results
When you call someone for the first time and its the wrong number ( )

You know that feeling

When you take your dog for a walk and come back with only her collar( )
When you talk to a friend and they more interested in theor phone ( )
When you kiss someone and they don't kiss back ( )
When you get in you car and it doesn't start ( )

You know that feeling

When you go for an interview you think went well and never hear from them ( )
When you go to a club and dance and no one dances with you ( )
When you give a gift and the other hates it ( )
When you think you've found love but faced with (loss)
Well that's how I feel,
Luckily I also know that feeling

When I open a present and its exactly what I love ( )
When I shoot a hoop and score ( )
When I go to my mom and she cooks a delicious meal ( )
When a friend calls out of the blue just to say hi ( )
When I kiss and I am kissed back ( )

That feeling when
I go for a. Swim and the water is warm
When I sing in the car and evryone sings with me
When I walk through the rain and it pours
When I say hello to a stranger and he smiles

That feeling
When I cry and someone holds mee
When I wait for a lover and my love always arrives
When I open a fortune cookie and it says exactly what I need it to
When I take a warm bath and it soothes me

Yes there are many dissapointments and hurt but there is always the opposite too.

That feeling when I lie in my bed and I fall asleepn that feeling I will know when I wake up
In the morning and will have the freedom to choose (that is a beautiful feelin)
Soothing sleeping
Painful weeping
Asleep to a pain
Waken to gain

Eye shut to a door opened in vein
Creation in dreams my mind is none the less to refrain
From a shy away stay
Feelings worth a day
Decay not
I forgot
I'm awake
For all to take
That is true
Come on wake up and just do

segregate me

Oh I sighed, ‘but what is this to mean?” Could it be just as it is? Two become one in feeling for a moment. And is that moment but just a moment, or could it be a moment that lasts a lifetime.

I don’t know how to feel, weather it be my meds, my headspace, me, us or we. I am so frustrated because I am fighting to be just me. I can then make sense of it all. How often is love, love? Could it be, or does my foggy heart deceive me.

It is not only one but two. Forbidden to explore even just attraction. So many of us who want what we cannot have, but then again who says I may not.

I have become so very confused. I do not know how to transmit, or process the information that another may feel the way I do. Due to my not being entirely me, with a spacey head, not even knowing where I am half the time. This alluring being of depth. A depth we share but not to be shared.

How often does one fall for that which is not there’s to fall for. Deceiving myself. I want to feel this, I beg, I plead, let me feel what is meant to be felt. Take this madness away, how is it to be just as I am. No delusions, confusion fades. Oh to be just me. Wait maybe that’s it, maybe this is I and that is not. Do any of us ever know? Do we?

If it could be simple. Take away the addiction, the treatment centre, the less than a year, the rules, the house and just stand there staring from our souls, take me, I will take you. Alas slowly the fence is back, the house is built around us, it’s a treatment centre, addicts mass. Not alone. Alone I hold your hand… To be or not to be, I plead for now just to be: you as you and me as me.

Take me away from this hell, a ravens cry, a demons soil is ruffled bellow my feet. How long does this lat, I’m crying to feel? So I know where I stand, as I hold no ones hand, so I know how I feel, when wept from a quintessential role. A role its not but whole, her.

I feel I know to destroy, give me back so I can relate. I love you as you love me, for now I need not be!

What the fuck am I talking about?

Closure in process

My head was wandering off a little. My body has been weakened by my mind. I am scared of failing. I am irritated at circumstances. I still love her and sometimes despise me. Could I have done something different? Rantings of separate issues with parallel feelings. 

 I was with my counselor for what seemed like hours and I sensed she truly cares. I truly do, care for her. Is this healthy? Debatable. I say yes: Her profession strong to her, her opinion everything to me. I take my friend seriously. I take my counselor more so! This combo works for me, as long as I have not imagined it.

 Delirious in thoughts about my ex getting ‘married’, she speaks so bluntly. Her way of reaching out is defined in small details of her manipulation. Already I am sensing my heart is no longer hard to her, but soft and easy. All the more not to see her before she elopes to London. My last memory was I holding her. Whispering stories in her ear as I tickled her back. 

My decision now is why look for closure when that is it. My last memory together is enough. My last memory of her non-sensitivity to publicly breaking up with me on facebook is enough to know. We are over and so what if I still have her base guitar...

 I was feeling dreary in my world, my bubble. Hardened by reality and softened by love. Almost delirious in a wayward cage. Until I stumbled outside feeling stoned I looked to the sky. Instantly my view was changed, I came back to my name and smiled...

The latter OR the lesser Or What's the matter?

I have a migraine and it’s not easy. I was sat at a 5 o’clock AA meeting when I was appalled at a woman who clearly has issues with “you people in early recovery” You see ideally at these meetings people aware not meant to dive advice or opinions. She was not shy looking down on those who do not have the same ‘good recovery’ as her. “You people in early recovery need to stay away from money and sex because that is what will bring you down!” she went on to make it worse for herself by telling the lesser that females are the weaker sex and will fall. I seriously had to bite my tongue for if I had not, the AA meeting would turn into a debate then argument and then probably a boxing match. I almost said “well I have no money and I am definitely not having any sex, so I guess that makes me a recovery success” I did no such thing.

 I did loose myself in thought regarding my resentments. That was the real topic for the meeting. It suited me because my weekend was full of old resentments coming up. Note to self: When I brood in my resentment I become my own enemy, the resentment becomes me and I it! It started with old anger. From there I started picking fights.

 I fought with my uncle about the new tax laws on the “stinking rich” as he calls them. We ended up raising our voices. He accused me of being bourgeois and I retaliated with “you don’t know who you dealing with, you are PATHETIC’ tempers flew. We were stopped by an angry grand father “if you two don’t stop I will throw my wine at you!” we giggled and instantly that argument was out the beautiful window with a view of a very choppy sea.

 Point is, when I’m holding on to past anger, I allow myself for old behaviours to run free. It is unhealthy for me flare up and fight. I asked myself after, what is this? I know those I love the most and find I attack those I love the most hurt me. It becomes a round about free fall.

 I am admittedly all over the place. I am finding it hard to be comfortable with me today. Sitting back home, the bunch of beatniks I call us. Everything is accentuated, a loud laugh and the guitar that travels into my cells. I am not sure do I want to climb the walls from irks of others, or am             I annoyed because this is a well rounded nut house of transcended fortunes I need to endure. Endure to become the non lesser of me and own the reality of no longer being confined to a line. An opportunity to learn with others, through others with all its crazy quirks,            

 The old man, who never leaves his room. as he stares out the window, waiting to be saved. The old man that stumbles and seems to be under the influence, pretending to read a book, hiding the trueness behind his pages. The young boy clicking his pen, just waiting for words to fall from the ink. The elder lady who pretends to be twenty, fixing her hair in the mirror, wanting to jut be observed for a second. The quiet lady who never speaks, hiding I imagine a UN endurable pain. The pretty young girl hidden by ghosts and trying all she can to be a part of herself, striving to find where she fits and who she loves. Sleeping beauty I call her while she lays away from her pain.  Oh and so many more gifted people in this house I live in.

 Not forgetting me, the person with a life that resides in my head and breathes through my chest, just hoping the answer will fall from my sky of opportunities. A dark sky with a lively moon.

 

Yes…

 

Today I am exactly where I need to be! 

A feel good potion

I opened my group this morning with My name is... I am an addict and I'm feeling Fucking fantastic, with a grin as sly as the fox in the hole. Accept I'm not in my hole, I'm in some dreamlike "good space" as you would say in therapy. I glanced round the perfect circle , meeting eyes with the 'others', A grumpy Marine I suspect is sneaking out at night to rendezvous with his Dutch Internet connection. Returning at early hours(i suggested this morning that the next time someone eats my food could they do it properly, not only eat the chicken breast but the rice to and then throw away the foil. Or perhaps the culprit thought I would not notice an entire lone chicken breast vanished, mm) To continue round our circle, Gramps, looked at me awkwardly, only to hide his own intellectualising, Smiles form my roomies, my closest giving me access to laughter the entire session. In fact once we had giggled a few times to many, teasing our counselor with ease as we find her adorable in her charismatic way of well being humorous in a somewhat wacky way. We were separated, only to be placed opposite each other here the laughing got more fun. 

This was the beginning of my day. Since then I have felt abnormally happy, sensitive to everything good. A almost manic like state of driving across the country. Giving the councilors a bunch of really corny ed roses claiming they from some crazy secret admirer. 

I am most at home with my grandparents and that's where I sit now, a little eery at times as today is the 2 year death anniversary of my uncle (R.I.P) , but as always this is where I am at home. I got here by soaring through traffic dancing to loud music like a puppet like lunatic. I love this of course. I walked through the door singing "I am in a very good mood, you guys are very lucky" Gaggle of laughter echoed through the house.

So rantings of a child like menace meet a passionate , certainly not illusive (today) , Duracell beast. I am not complaining , I like this feeling. I have always understood what is down must come up, and what comes up must come down, and I can live with this..... the challenge is to find a balance? right?

discarded

As we sit in a circle in group we go around  introducing ourselves by "My name is so and so and I am an addict/alcoholic, today I feel...." Today I feel overwhelmed!" 

My day started with me feeling upbeat and almost high. In the morning group I stated confidently that I am an addict and today I am GREAT, thank you. Soon after group I was asked to come in to the councilors office, where I was questioned about my attitude. This I assume she drew from my remark as regards to have I seen my sponsor and as I don't truly buy the whole sponsor concept. (sponsor being a fellow addict the fellowship suggest you have to be in their view successfully working ) so naturally I mumbled under my breath my opinions on sponsors and soon was called in. 

Once sat with my councilor we discussed a few things and I left feeling a little less high. Keeping in mind I had missed my lithium for a day and a half, denying of course that this could affect my moods. Knowing full well I need my medicine more than any other would know I raced off to my pharmacist some miles away. Funny once i was racing off to my dealer to guard me from feeling , now clean and sober I'm racing off to my pharmacist to manage my moods which honestly are directly linked to my feelings. I got my stuff and much like when i used cocaine i scuffled them in instantly but no effect, i still felt low. 

I arrived at my dietitian, she was running late and i sat in the waiting room feeling insecure playing solitaire on my phone to avoid contact with the others in the room. She called me and i sat on the chair. Took my hat off and dropped all my crap on her table. I took her less than 5 minutes she told me I am sad, I am very very sad. That I need to cry. Unfortunately the only space i feel safe crying in is with my ex girlfriend 

who left me in a devastating way.(after witnessing a love affair with herself and another she did not so gently break up with me, she broke up with me on none other than facebook) And still I feel she is the only one who can hold me when I am down? I ask my self am I some sort of masochist? Or am I just afraid to let anyone in.

The dietician queried why I could not cry with my therapist and and and.... well I had answer of and and and for all her questions. AND... I still can not answer myself 

whole heatedly why I have not allowed myself to cry in 4 months (since the breakup) Is it because I cant or is it because I wont!

I don't like to feel sadness or to admit sadness as I have a weird belief system : If I am sad then that means I cant be doing well. Nonsense as I am doing very well I just happen to feel a sadness, my void is churning. 

I decided to lift my spirits, although

 it was suggested i stay with my feelings, i believe I have. I went off with my camera in hand and photographed images i thought of as discarded. 

The mirror in my camera broke before my journey was done and the sadness rushed in, as to me not having a camera is like a painter with out a brush, a writer 

without a pen, a psychologist without a client. I will have my baby fixed tomorrow. In the meantime i have my eyes, i capture with my eyes to, things are beautiful.

I silently watched  the sun go down behind a sinking ship from the beach and thought, "its OK to be sad."