Group Relapse

I sat in-group this morning having made an internal decision to directly challenge those I felt needed some feed back or just irritated me a bit. What I mean by irritated is, when I think someone is using I say nothing and it affects me, or if I hear someone has said I’m childish although I know I can be somewhat childish, instead of internalizing it why not just be frank. Right? Wrong. 

 I subsided to my charming wit know bla]nkly as sometimes foolish sarcasm or sometimes point blank opinion.          o         k  so...  I have mentioned the marine under suspicion for sneaking out, and eating my chicken at odd ours. Well his behavior in general was bugging me and it was affecting the housemates. The house I might add has become like a commune with flair. Addicts bustling around in misery to sublime happiness and some altered states it seems. 

 Back to the group, it was my plan to confront the Casanova marine: Unfortunately he left group in a huff, a dramatic exit claiming he does not trust us. All I got in was 'I don’t trust you' off he marched and 'enjoy the beach" said I.  Later when I told him he is manipulating everyone, he snarled and I instinctively knew something was not right here. It was not surprising when I stood next to him in the office as my counselor made me sign my 1st and second warnings for breaking what I believe to be trite rules. I stood alongside Mr. Marine who tested positive to a Breathalyzer test.

 We chatted outside as he told me he wants his money and I asked "why? So you can line up with this girl, have sex all night, use all your money and then come back?" he mumbled 'this is old behavior', yes it is. I observed the commune as they bustled around the 'drama' some snickering "good riddens" other turning it in to humor whilst singing "he’s gonna buy a gram, and end up in the slum, yeah yeah yeah" And then there were those who were saddened. I observed the stress in the counselors, the genuine care and even a tinge of hurt.

 This brings me to the real issue, and that is not the drama, but what happens round the drama, which I to play a part.

 People laughing and becoming humorous to hide or mask what’s really going on. The uneasiness round the marine bellowing sarcastically ' you should all be lucky you clean' immediately taking a manipulative stance of I’m a victim. Honestly at first, I felt somewhat smug when my suspicions were confirmed, I felt affirmed. THIS made me ask "wait a minute" Just step back for a moment this could have been someone close to me, NO this could of been me.

 Almost ashamed by my reaction I am struck that this is sad! Here is someone like me, who is emotionally damaged like me, who is an addict like me, who lost hope, as I have done, who has used, which I could do, who has relapsed, which I have done so many times before and could at anytime if I don’t constantly call myself out, like this and be real. 

 He unfortunately just has to do more "research" which I have done. Research is a term used here when people are not convinced they are addict or simply are just not ready. It is sad. It is a process.

 I cannot speak for others, but from me I believe everything is just a reflection of what we need to face or learn from. This marine is built physically to 'kill' or 'defend' but emotionally he is just like us, just like me.

 I watched him walk down the street with just a backpack, the reality to use, he looked up at me as I drove past and at that moment I knew he had been defeated by his disease. It is controversial in my circles as to whether the disease takes you down or if you allow the disease to take you down. Either or its a reality of emotional trauma that lures one to the ground. I have allowed it to happen with me and visa versa. 

 

Group relapse in altered state of mind via substance, behavior or reaction. At the end of the day we are all human in a process, its what we do through the process...