Couch of trust

Exhaustion for me is day of intensive therapy, and due to my situation there is no short fall of that.

Therapy in the rocks. Toady I had my psychologist. I asked what she meant in the previous session about me being a game player , this concerned me as I assumed she meant I play games with her as well. I never thought of it and perhaps there have been times. Aside from the flirtations, there have been times I have been extreme in testing to see if she cares. You see it is very important to me that others care for me, I want to know they care for me by display of affection. This does not happen in therapy. I suppose if it were to happen between this specific person I would fall , and there would be no more couch of trust for me.

I need to pay more attention to my games. Now games could be a list or a number of things. 

1) the chase of a woman

2) attention seeking for a parent to care (and this is where i believe my world of games began)

3)the trust of a partner or friend (to the point of faking an overdose to see if they will still stay)

4) self gaming (if i do this then I am worthy of that, if I fail, I am ...)

5) this list could go on

As I write this, I see these have been my coping mechanisms. No, using these I no longer cope.

I am now in my 4th treatment, I have undergone therapy from the age of 7, I have been through many a diagnoses. Today I diagnose myself as me! Take away the addict, the bi polar, the adhd, the borderline, the co dependant, the evil, the good turns out I am just me\//\\/

So , my exhaustion today would be that over over analysing myself, by me. My head fails to stop. Instead of replacing my rapid thinking with self loathing, I can choose to embrace it. I sometimes believe these diagnosis's are gifts that teach me skills not to survive = to live.

I wouldn't choose to be mundane, I wouldn't choose anything different to now. Yes when its low, its underneath any depth I know, When its high its over every height beyond my eye. I know the balance of these things , centered in me , is beautiful, a place I have been only for seconds, a place i strife to be now, A place I know is right here, in me.