Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
dark as day
Feeling a void, the void, the one that never really fades, sometimes just moves behind everything else or everything moves in front of that open space of nothingness.
Emptiness is believed to be openness by some. I could be closed from a blinding light of dark nothing, I could be open to any spiritual force of everything. I have become healthily obsessed with trying to connect the dots to my self from self aspect of body being a total separate entity to both mind and spirit.
I have been drawn to this as I was woken by some force a few nights back. Unfortunately on this occasion it was an unwelcoming spirit. Some refer to this as sleep paralysis. I believe it is connected to something less vague. The paranormal of an awakened spirit. I was woken, and like before i saw myself a part from myself. I could not move and felt as if something was choking me, I felt I went white, or my other self was of a white light. I gasped for air and awoke to a icy cold chill. I sensed a presence of impurity. A dangerously eery feeling. I was convince the windows were open it was so cold, I then though the glass had been smashed and that's how the air was creeping through. After a number of window checks, the presence became dense and I became colder...
This has not got me spooked as It is something I have lived with since I was a child. Arguably I could just be a mad hatter, creating imagery to match my dreams.
Everything tastes,feels,smells and sounds elaborately different.
Generally where one meets a spirit of darkness, one always has a lightness beaming it away.
So sure I maybe a little more sensitive to closing my eyes at night, I may even be peculiar in beliefs. Strangely with all my research through vision, i link my self both to the dis connect as well as the connect, more spirit than body, dark soul painted my void, for today i may be blessed but I can not shake a feeling, of rawness. A heavy gut feeling lodged in my core.
So if we look at it in black and white, we would say light spirit vends off dark spirits but sometimes it could closely be the other way round. For sometimes the dark may be light and multi coloured facets of imagery.
i sleep with an open air, not discarding here nor there...
Emptiness is believed to be openness by some. I could be closed from a blinding light of dark nothing, I could be open to any spiritual force of everything. I have become healthily obsessed with trying to connect the dots to my self from self aspect of body being a total separate entity to both mind and spirit.
I have been drawn to this as I was woken by some force a few nights back. Unfortunately on this occasion it was an unwelcoming spirit. Some refer to this as sleep paralysis. I believe it is connected to something less vague. The paranormal of an awakened spirit. I was woken, and like before i saw myself a part from myself. I could not move and felt as if something was choking me, I felt I went white, or my other self was of a white light. I gasped for air and awoke to a icy cold chill. I sensed a presence of impurity. A dangerously eery feeling. I was convince the windows were open it was so cold, I then though the glass had been smashed and that's how the air was creeping through. After a number of window checks, the presence became dense and I became colder...
This has not got me spooked as It is something I have lived with since I was a child. Arguably I could just be a mad hatter, creating imagery to match my dreams.
Everything tastes,feels,smells and sounds elaborately different.
Generally where one meets a spirit of darkness, one always has a lightness beaming it away.
So sure I maybe a little more sensitive to closing my eyes at night, I may even be peculiar in beliefs. Strangely with all my research through vision, i link my self both to the dis connect as well as the connect, more spirit than body, dark soul painted my void, for today i may be blessed but I can not shake a feeling, of rawness. A heavy gut feeling lodged in my core.
So if we look at it in black and white, we would say light spirit vends off dark spirits but sometimes it could closely be the other way round. For sometimes the dark may be light and multi coloured facets of imagery.
i sleep with an open air, not discarding here nor there...
Monday, March 29, 2010
NO vanishing point
Hope for the best, even in the face of adversity... (i like that)
Today has been a blow of disappointments. I never fail to have ideas, always dreaming. Somehow there is always something to damper my ideas. Thing is I fall and always get up. I never stop...
Today I dove into the ocean, hoping to be swallowed, this was my wish. My wish took its natural cause and changed when I became afraid of sharks as I was the only one trying to disappear into the ocean. My thought changed quickly as a ran out, knowing that maybe today is not the day to vanish in water...
I like this natural course of humor .
Today has been a blow of disappointments. I never fail to have ideas, always dreaming. Somehow there is always something to damper my ideas. Thing is I fall and always get up. I never stop...
Today I dove into the ocean, hoping to be swallowed, this was my wish. My wish took its natural cause and changed when I became afraid of sharks as I was the only one trying to disappear into the ocean. My thought changed quickly as a ran out, knowing that maybe today is not the day to vanish in water...
I like this natural course of humor .
Sunday, March 28, 2010
weeping traveler
I feel some kind of numb! Aloof to all things but at the same time still interested in the small things, still bound to my ponderous dreaming. Well indifferent one moment and lost in some parallel universe the next. I am trying to build a nest without the basic twigs.
I have all these options, live here, live there and yet I live no where. I have considered myself to be a modern day gypsy for years. My nickname by many is "the bag lady" As I never know where I will go next I have this habitual way of carrying a backpack, with all the loose bits, a camera bag, my soul, a larger bag, my clothes, a satchel, my computer, my communication and a hand bag filled with loose papers, pens and stuff. Sometimes I also have a plastic bag with my damp swimsuit and towel and always draped over my shoulders a couple of jackets and on my head a few hats. This is how I look when walking into the place a stay, ready for all seasons and ready to go...
For now I'm done with this city,
I would like the sea, If the sea doesn't work,
bring the bush to me,
or even a farmland picturesque
Sense honestly I have become used to the gypsy
So now I have a choice of where I should live and this choice has become hard. How to choose when still so confused. How to make decisions when everything is jumbled. How to live when I seem to be between two universes.
I must remember: before one can run, one must walk. Before one walks , they must crawl. I am crawling, trying to find my feet to walk. Running is not an option, balanced slow paced walking is my objective. A not so scandalous goal.
I have all these options, live here, live there and yet I live no where. I have considered myself to be a modern day gypsy for years. My nickname by many is "the bag lady" As I never know where I will go next I have this habitual way of carrying a backpack, with all the loose bits, a camera bag, my soul, a larger bag, my clothes, a satchel, my computer, my communication and a hand bag filled with loose papers, pens and stuff. Sometimes I also have a plastic bag with my damp swimsuit and towel and always draped over my shoulders a couple of jackets and on my head a few hats. This is how I look when walking into the place a stay, ready for all seasons and ready to go...
For now I'm done with this city,
I would like the sea, If the sea doesn't work,
bring the bush to me,
or even a farmland picturesque
Sense honestly I have become used to the gypsy
So now I have a choice of where I should live and this choice has become hard. How to choose when still so confused. How to make decisions when everything is jumbled. How to live when I seem to be between two universes.
I must remember: before one can run, one must walk. Before one walks , they must crawl. I am crawling, trying to find my feet to walk. Running is not an option, balanced slow paced walking is my objective. A not so scandalous goal.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
black out
OR NOT...
I am spending some time with my grandparents, while I get well and my meds start leveling. A much safer option then a psyche ward in my opinion. Being here in this little town with a whole lot of love from them , I feel better already (or maybe i feel normal even when I'm slightly off the wall) Theres just something about the air here...
So we started dinner 15 minutes early, which is 7:45pm as opposed to 8:00pm sharp. The reason for this is because the lights needed to be sgut off at 8:30 GMT time world wide. Some sort of stand against global warming or something to that effect. Well, at 8:20 we began to scramble around lighting candles and collecting torches. One would think we were collecting and rashining our dessert for some major black out.
There was a lot of excitement round the preparation for lights out. At 8:28 we all stood at different switches and out with the lights we went. Smiling like a kid going to the fair for the first time, the three of us hurried outside, anticipating that the village would be in darkness. To our disappointment it was not, and we could still see all the lights from across the bay. (the municipality had forgotten the very thing they had advertised) for this our house in the dark but our garden illuminated by the street lights.
Pathetic attempt from this city.
But not all was lost, for the rush of our own blackout, the preparation of mood altering light, we ate out dessert and watched a movie by candle light. This moment for me was worth our romantically lit black out.
I am spending some time with my grandparents, while I get well and my meds start leveling. A much safer option then a psyche ward in my opinion. Being here in this little town with a whole lot of love from them , I feel better already (or maybe i feel normal even when I'm slightly off the wall) Theres just something about the air here...
So we started dinner 15 minutes early, which is 7:45pm as opposed to 8:00pm sharp. The reason for this is because the lights needed to be sgut off at 8:30 GMT time world wide. Some sort of stand against global warming or something to that effect. Well, at 8:20 we began to scramble around lighting candles and collecting torches. One would think we were collecting and rashining our dessert for some major black out.
There was a lot of excitement round the preparation for lights out. At 8:28 we all stood at different switches and out with the lights we went. Smiling like a kid going to the fair for the first time, the three of us hurried outside, anticipating that the village would be in darkness. To our disappointment it was not, and we could still see all the lights from across the bay. (the municipality had forgotten the very thing they had advertised) for this our house in the dark but our garden illuminated by the street lights.
Pathetic attempt from this city.
But not all was lost, for the rush of our own blackout, the preparation of mood altering light, we ate out dessert and watched a movie by candle light. This moment for me was worth our romantically lit black out.
Friday, March 26, 2010
rubber band
If I was positive all the time, That would make me super human. Of course I would love to believe(sometimes do) That I have power. That I am more. That I can do what I want and have who I want.
I am not (always) super human, today I am feeling fragile , vulnerably, typically human.
I like to be reminded how human I am, but honestly I find it easier pretending to be ... well what ever I want to be. Sometimes I believe my own bullshit, I am sure I'm not alone there.
I often see my self apart from myself, these moments can be scary but they can be comforting. To balance human and super human and maybe a little bit of not human at all. would be a rather unique me. This feeling less than anything, deserving of nothing is just one passing moment of the day. Maybe even just a part of my moods(polar moods) (polar opposites) (polar bear?)
Have you heard of the elastic trick? Well here's how it goes: when you think of calling someone you may not under any circumstances or you stand to destroy lives(problem is I have feelings for this person and I want to know more than anything if they OK) for reasons to be explained soon enough, this person is out of bounds and it would be completely unethical in the nature of our relationship to have any contact with one an other. I never realise how much this would hurt me. Anyway, babbling along: the elastic trick: I wear a rubber band round my wrist, to ensure that every time I think of contacting this individual, I stretch the band as far out as possible and let it slap the softest part of my skin where it stings the most. Point of this trick, is apparently psychologically, every time i think of this person and sting myself with this band, my mind should connect the pain with the person. Somehow this has been designed to work. BUT: for this I must be super human as it does not work at all. Or I am just human as I forbid for it to work as that's how badly I want to hear from this person.
Well if anything my rubber band is keeping me busy and gets people looking at some kind of masochist freak, walks through the mall, on the beach, sitting in a restaurant strumming a piece of elastic , slapping my skin like a snare. I would say maybe I have found my balance: using silliness,pain,love and a ridiculous non effect psychological game. The game being my rubber band. Although now that I think of it, I'm thinking more about the rubber then the call.
so guessing my guilt conscience that stings more should effectively become on par with the band and walla there we have it a superhuman, powerful being spiced with normal vulnerable human becomes balanced by the line of the rubber. (protection)
Thursday, March 25, 2010
no pain no gain
You know that feeling
When you go to the bank to draw money and the screen screams insuficient funds( )
when you wait eagerly for your date and they don't show up ( )
When its your birthday and u expecting a specific call and the phone doesn't ring ( )
When you wait for your dad to pick you up for a holiday, u realise u in the dark with your bag and he doesn't come ( )
When you write an exam and get the wrong results
When you call someone for the first time and its the wrong number ( )
You know that feeling
When you take your dog for a walk and come back with only her collar( )
When you talk to a friend and they more interested in theor phone ( )
When you kiss someone and they don't kiss back ( )
When you get in you car and it doesn't start ( )
You know that feeling
When you go for an interview you think went well and never hear from them ( )
When you go to a club and dance and no one dances with you ( )
When you give a gift and the other hates it ( )
When you think you've found love but faced with (loss)
Well that's how I feel,
Luckily I also know that feeling
When I open a present and its exactly what I love ( )
When I shoot a hoop and score ( )
When I go to my mom and she cooks a delicious meal ( )
When a friend calls out of the blue just to say hi ( )
When I kiss and I am kissed back ( )
That feeling when
I go for a. Swim and the water is warm
When I sing in the car and evryone sings with me
When I walk through the rain and it pours
When I say hello to a stranger and he smiles
That feeling
When I cry and someone holds mee
When I wait for a lover and my love always arrives
When I open a fortune cookie and it says exactly what I need it to
When I take a warm bath and it soothes me
Yes there are many dissapointments and hurt but there is always the opposite too.
That feeling when I lie in my bed and I fall asleepn that feeling I will know when I wake up
In the morning and will have the freedom to choose (that is a beautiful feelin)
Soothing sleeping
Painful weeping
Asleep to a pain
Waken to gain
Eye shut to a door opened in vein
Creation in dreams my mind is none the less to refrain
From a shy away stay
Feelings worth a day
Decay not
I forgot
I'm awake
For all to take
That is true
Come on wake up and just do
When you go to the bank to draw money and the screen screams insuficient funds( )
when you wait eagerly for your date and they don't show up ( )
When its your birthday and u expecting a specific call and the phone doesn't ring ( )
When you wait for your dad to pick you up for a holiday, u realise u in the dark with your bag and he doesn't come ( )
When you write an exam and get the wrong results
When you call someone for the first time and its the wrong number ( )
You know that feeling
When you take your dog for a walk and come back with only her collar( )
When you talk to a friend and they more interested in theor phone ( )
When you kiss someone and they don't kiss back ( )
When you get in you car and it doesn't start ( )
You know that feeling
When you go for an interview you think went well and never hear from them ( )
When you go to a club and dance and no one dances with you ( )
When you give a gift and the other hates it ( )
When you think you've found love but faced with (loss)
Well that's how I feel,
Luckily I also know that feeling
When I open a present and its exactly what I love ( )
When I shoot a hoop and score ( )
When I go to my mom and she cooks a delicious meal ( )
When a friend calls out of the blue just to say hi ( )
When I kiss and I am kissed back ( )
That feeling when
I go for a. Swim and the water is warm
When I sing in the car and evryone sings with me
When I walk through the rain and it pours
When I say hello to a stranger and he smiles
That feeling
When I cry and someone holds mee
When I wait for a lover and my love always arrives
When I open a fortune cookie and it says exactly what I need it to
When I take a warm bath and it soothes me
Yes there are many dissapointments and hurt but there is always the opposite too.
That feeling when I lie in my bed and I fall asleepn that feeling I will know when I wake up
In the morning and will have the freedom to choose (that is a beautiful feelin)
Soothing sleeping
Painful weeping
Asleep to a pain
Waken to gain
Eye shut to a door opened in vein
Creation in dreams my mind is none the less to refrain
From a shy away stay
Feelings worth a day
Decay not
I forgot
I'm awake
For all to take
That is true
Come on wake up and just do
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Wrong could be right
I stared at the rain as it filled the sea, it poured and I couldn't stare anymore...
Psyche ward:
post psych ward:
Psyche ward:
post psych ward:
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Path Finder
This morning I was staring at an empty cubicle hidden by a plant and some blinds, waiting nervously for my shrink. I smiled when I saw her, an eager smile, my mind had a plan and I would do anything to make this a reality. I sat and immediately chatted away 'so I was thinking, I need to leave this place" I was full of energy 'you see, I'm not meant to be here" changing my direction" You know I got earplugs last night, so tyhat was cool" I giggled,' I don't belong in a room with an energy that could knock me down," I couldn't stop, rambling on so she stopped me for me, "I have good news and I have bad news" I did not interrupt. 'The good news is you are sleeping, your lithium is leveling out, the bad news are, the nurses have reported you are very restless" I thought to myself, of course they think I'm bloody restless, I am the only person who doesn't sleep all day!
instead i said "so what does that mean", "well you are clearly still manic and you are not 100%" , one hundred percent of what I wandered. "I will change your mood stabilisers and You need to stay here, you cant go back to seascape(the tertiary facility) i looked at her calmly "well, i think it should go like this...."
So I have gone from psyche ward to happy house! I am not surrounded by smoke and walls, I now live in an actual season. No brown walls and the sounds of psychosis filtering my mind. I think this works out best for me: I sit and take in the sea, I walk by the ocean with my grandparents. I may still have and edge to me but IO will enjoy having this edge surrounded by my well humoured grandparents just being me, without having to worry about what notes the nurses are taking, who I want to kill, dark forces contaminating my light. I feel for those people I do, but this is the best way to take care of self. Here's an example of how:
I went on a mission(walk) with my grandparents, My grand father navigated this mission. My Gran second in command and myself a dreaming corporal. We snuck on to a golf course. Not just any golf course as it lies on the rocky beaches. We marched forth to explore (lucky for me they are explorers) It was exciting, it was exhilarating and it was purely entertaining. We mapped out the logistics and found ourselves on a beach of wander. I walked into the ocean(this is much better medication the what I did at the psycheward the last 4 days) The sting of her touch, shook me, positively and rather then dark I became lighter. Navigating us back to the road, my grand father lead us in to a hill of thorny bushes, " i don't have much faith in this path finder" my grand mother said cynically. I giggled. He changed course and before we I knew it my Gran was leading, "We have a new leader, and I have all the faith in this leader!, the old leader was revolted from power" snickered my grand father. We all giggled.
For me this is the best kind of therapy, looking into the ocean as the ocean looks into me, freely walking about with out a nurses leash and of course the love and the laugh of my jocular family. Who wouldn't want to giggle til they cry, speak until they sing, splash until they swim, and dream until they become...
instead i said "so what does that mean", "well you are clearly still manic and you are not 100%" , one hundred percent of what I wandered. "I will change your mood stabilisers and You need to stay here, you cant go back to seascape(the tertiary facility) i looked at her calmly "well, i think it should go like this...."
So I have gone from psyche ward to happy house! I am not surrounded by smoke and walls, I now live in an actual season. No brown walls and the sounds of psychosis filtering my mind. I think this works out best for me: I sit and take in the sea, I walk by the ocean with my grandparents. I may still have and edge to me but IO will enjoy having this edge surrounded by my well humoured grandparents just being me, without having to worry about what notes the nurses are taking, who I want to kill, dark forces contaminating my light. I feel for those people I do, but this is the best way to take care of self. Here's an example of how:
I went on a mission(walk) with my grandparents, My grand father navigated this mission. My Gran second in command and myself a dreaming corporal. We snuck on to a golf course. Not just any golf course as it lies on the rocky beaches. We marched forth to explore (lucky for me they are explorers) It was exciting, it was exhilarating and it was purely entertaining. We mapped out the logistics and found ourselves on a beach of wander. I walked into the ocean(this is much better medication the what I did at the psycheward the last 4 days) The sting of her touch, shook me, positively and rather then dark I became lighter. Navigating us back to the road, my grand father lead us in to a hill of thorny bushes, " i don't have much faith in this path finder" my grand mother said cynically. I giggled. He changed course and before we I knew it my Gran was leading, "We have a new leader, and I have all the faith in this leader!, the old leader was revolted from power" snickered my grand father. We all giggled.
For me this is the best kind of therapy, looking into the ocean as the ocean looks into me, freely walking about with out a nurses leash and of course the love and the laugh of my jocular family. Who wouldn't want to giggle til they cry, speak until they sing, splash until they swim, and dream until they become...
Monday, March 22, 2010
walls dont whisper
I have spent the whole day trying to escape,and now I have planned the most simple of escapes. Black duffel bag packed swung over my shoulder, I leapord crawl across the garden, round the 120 year old tree
Towards the white picket fence. Without so much as looking over my shoulder I hop over. My knight in shining armour is revving his car,my getaway car all fired up and off we go into the night.only to discover I don't have my
Meds my escape would be short lived as without the meds I would really have to be here and here in a straight jacket. So no no escape.
Maybe I should follow my closet girls lead and escape with some linen,but that would only be temporary. I have tried escaping to food, I have tried fantasy, I have been lurking the gate all day. The escape I choose is to wait for
My shrink and walk out the front gat freely with meds in hand. I count the seconds.
Oh how I love to hear my name called out on the speaker when I have vistors, today I have only heard my name called out at 7 am to take my blood pressure.
I have resorted to staring at a fly on the wall, I have discovered that pool for one is thrilling. Infact I have been on my own mission all day. Its not so bad being alone,
Lonesome and fascinated by it all. Here I go again, how easily I find myself fascinating to myselfM
After I tried to convince my dad to get me. Out of her and well rejection. Mmm then I tried my mom and she put the phone down? Mmm eschewal. Then a whole othe renouncement from a whole other aspect.
I threw down my pool que but somehow jumped back and realised I don't need it,or this or that, being scared just brings more strenght and being in my own company(yes having real conversations with myself)
Its not that lonely, I can fill my head with company if I choose. I can also choose to quiet my mind and enjoy my silence in all this fucking noise.
I don't mind the psychotic screams in the night, I don't mind the woman who stares through me like a jackel. I don't mind the rantings of my new paranoid housewife. I don't mind the live band from across the road, or the nurses that
Laugh at me when I run up and down the stairs thousands of times(shit they probably think I'm manic,better walk up)
I do mind the darkness of our moods, being unwanted, uselesss and thrown. Good thing my armous is think and I have a knack of standing each time I fall.
I can handle what I do mind with what I don't.
My last night watching the blood of the past dripping from the walls. My last night of the screams in the worlds that take and feed.
Last night pretending there is something wrong with me.
But then again what is pretend. Please walk me out of here, I just can't sit and rock, soothing sea calls me.
There is no need to fear what is not scarey, and I am no longer easily scared.
Towards the white picket fence. Without so much as looking over my shoulder I hop over. My knight in shining armour is revving his car,my getaway car all fired up and off we go into the night.only to discover I don't have my
Meds my escape would be short lived as without the meds I would really have to be here and here in a straight jacket. So no no escape.
Maybe I should follow my closet girls lead and escape with some linen,but that would only be temporary. I have tried escaping to food, I have tried fantasy, I have been lurking the gate all day. The escape I choose is to wait for
My shrink and walk out the front gat freely with meds in hand. I count the seconds.
Oh how I love to hear my name called out on the speaker when I have vistors, today I have only heard my name called out at 7 am to take my blood pressure.
I have resorted to staring at a fly on the wall, I have discovered that pool for one is thrilling. Infact I have been on my own mission all day. Its not so bad being alone,
Lonesome and fascinated by it all. Here I go again, how easily I find myself fascinating to myselfM
After I tried to convince my dad to get me. Out of her and well rejection. Mmm then I tried my mom and she put the phone down? Mmm eschewal. Then a whole othe renouncement from a whole other aspect.
I threw down my pool que but somehow jumped back and realised I don't need it,or this or that, being scared just brings more strenght and being in my own company(yes having real conversations with myself)
Its not that lonely, I can fill my head with company if I choose. I can also choose to quiet my mind and enjoy my silence in all this fucking noise.
I don't mind the psychotic screams in the night, I don't mind the woman who stares through me like a jackel. I don't mind the rantings of my new paranoid housewife. I don't mind the live band from across the road, or the nurses that
Laugh at me when I run up and down the stairs thousands of times(shit they probably think I'm manic,better walk up)
I do mind the darkness of our moods, being unwanted, uselesss and thrown. Good thing my armous is think and I have a knack of standing each time I fall.
I can handle what I do mind with what I don't.
My last night watching the blood of the past dripping from the walls. My last night of the screams in the worlds that take and feed.
Last night pretending there is something wrong with me.
But then again what is pretend. Please walk me out of here, I just can't sit and rock, soothing sea calls me.
There is no need to fear what is not scarey, and I am no longer easily scared.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
pool
I have been woken by a breed of snoring beasts only to stumble down the stairs as I am still highly. Medicated in the early hours of the morning.
I opened the door to the awful smoking lounge, where I was welcomed by a bright shining light and the gospels of the lord.my eyes could take to the flourishing light,
But my ears were not equipped to be carried by 'resorrect by the angel of jesus christ and your sins will be taken as you are restored to god' followed by the rantings of t
Of a bi polar inmate from the scriptures of the bible.
I escaped to anothr room where I was greeted by my closet girl who started her morning with sharing her life with me. I have kearnt not only does she have a bi polar/hyper disorded ex boyfriend who is a drug dealer
But also an aspergers cousin,obese mother,borderline cousin and ofcourse a wicked grand mother who is very wealthy lives in portugal and has forty cats.
This girl is very animated and tells a story beautifully. I did pick up the more often she tells the story the less realistic it gets. Her mom is now the crazy wealthy woman with forty cats but is still obese.
Her exboyfriend a kind of druglord, her cousin who has been in a menatl hospital for years and suddenly her grand mother not only has a safe in her room with 1000000000 pounds in it but also almost drowned and has alzeimers.
This goes on all day, this and her many attemts to escape where we are.
I find her like everyone else here as fascinating as the next!we all have stories,some are just untold...
Well the nurses have got to the point that they just humour me and my idea that I need to leave and I'm just fine thank you- they walk past me with smiles saying,
'So you think you can go home' whatever! I do think I can go but at thee same time I think instead of fighting the system I should join it. Mmm ,thought about it , NO!
Today I knew I should probably stay here when I had the pleasure of being pampered by an enchanting family. As the they shared I felt myself been pulled away by a spirit,
I found myself staring down at them, for a moment I was not there and when I go like that I worry. Although I did return and I loved them all.
I later sat under an enchanted tree, I was carried by her branches
Touched by her golden leaves, she swept me in, I felt her touch me,it does not fade
I stared through the gust a danced away with her soul, she came crashing in.
As the sun turned and went,in the darkness we played.she was rooted as I swayed and left unspoken
Unspoken of a kiss to be and the churning sea I'm me.
Today I have heard stories that may be true or not, but they are from a real person and may be true to her.
I have heard a sermon,that to me sounds painful but to him its his and his it shall be.
I have fallen in love with two young girls who are the most true of all.
I have seen nurses who can no longer stans but do ,as it is what they do.
I have seen the reality of what falling to others could be
And to me from all I have learnt it is not only that I feel her in my groin, I feel,I see, I touch, a scent of enchanted trees.
Ok I think I stopped making sense 20 lines back, I sleep tonight no mystery. Just a notion
I am where I belong for now, place, heart, mind and me!
I opened the door to the awful smoking lounge, where I was welcomed by a bright shining light and the gospels of the lord.my eyes could take to the flourishing light,
But my ears were not equipped to be carried by 'resorrect by the angel of jesus christ and your sins will be taken as you are restored to god' followed by the rantings of t
Of a bi polar inmate from the scriptures of the bible.
I escaped to anothr room where I was greeted by my closet girl who started her morning with sharing her life with me. I have kearnt not only does she have a bi polar/hyper disorded ex boyfriend who is a drug dealer
But also an aspergers cousin,obese mother,borderline cousin and ofcourse a wicked grand mother who is very wealthy lives in portugal and has forty cats.
This girl is very animated and tells a story beautifully. I did pick up the more often she tells the story the less realistic it gets. Her mom is now the crazy wealthy woman with forty cats but is still obese.
Her exboyfriend a kind of druglord, her cousin who has been in a menatl hospital for years and suddenly her grand mother not only has a safe in her room with 1000000000 pounds in it but also almost drowned and has alzeimers.
This goes on all day, this and her many attemts to escape where we are.
I find her like everyone else here as fascinating as the next!we all have stories,some are just untold...
Well the nurses have got to the point that they just humour me and my idea that I need to leave and I'm just fine thank you- they walk past me with smiles saying,
'So you think you can go home' whatever! I do think I can go but at thee same time I think instead of fighting the system I should join it. Mmm ,thought about it , NO!
Today I knew I should probably stay here when I had the pleasure of being pampered by an enchanting family. As the they shared I felt myself been pulled away by a spirit,
I found myself staring down at them, for a moment I was not there and when I go like that I worry. Although I did return and I loved them all.
I later sat under an enchanted tree, I was carried by her branches
Touched by her golden leaves, she swept me in, I felt her touch me,it does not fade
I stared through the gust a danced away with her soul, she came crashing in.
As the sun turned and went,in the darkness we played.she was rooted as I swayed and left unspoken
Unspoken of a kiss to be and the churning sea I'm me.
Today I have heard stories that may be true or not, but they are from a real person and may be true to her.
I have heard a sermon,that to me sounds painful but to him its his and his it shall be.
I have fallen in love with two young girls who are the most true of all.
I have seen nurses who can no longer stans but do ,as it is what they do.
I have seen the reality of what falling to others could be
And to me from all I have learnt it is not only that I feel her in my groin, I feel,I see, I touch, a scent of enchanted trees.
Ok I think I stopped making sense 20 lines back, I sleep tonight no mystery. Just a notion
I am where I belong for now, place, heart, mind and me!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
lost in the walls of the numb
Ok, this is making me crazy. I am somewhere I know in my gut I do not need to be. The frustrating thing is when I tell the night nurse I am frustrated cos I don't know what I'm doing here?
I explain to her I know why I came here but it does not apply anymore. Before I came here 2 weeks ago I was manic as a mad hatter. Then maybe I should of been herem I know the day before I came here
My mood shot down and I was depressed. The last few weeks I explained to all it felt like I was bound by a blindfold, I could see but all was distorted. Some kind of cage round my mind.
Well that blindfold has lifted and nothing is didtorted. When the nurse doesn't hear me and talks to me like a child I feel angry.
I am bound not by my blindfold but by an oponion of another. I do not need to be here!naturally if you surrounded by psychoses and suicidal depression naturally one would feel lowm but I only feel low because of surrounding.
My fear is the longer I hang with the gohst of the walking depression the more prone I am to fall into a darkness that is not me.
If it weren't for my visit, I would have a reason to be in that high care room. Its like being in prison when you innocent. The longer
I mingle with psychotics and nurses who baby me, like I am mentally challenged the more I will start to imagine that I am mentally challenged.
I am starting to question where there should be no questions. Fuck it! Let me out.
Then I breathe, I feel the love from others, I feel the love from me. Surely if I feel strong I should be free?
I try to observe others, the lady in my room who wanders stealing towels. The lady who needs 3 nurses to keep her down when she is hysterical.
My closet girl who hides there to cry. The man who plays pool with me but never says a word. Then ofcourse the woman that sleep and that is all they do
Is sleep. I imagine there sleep is a form of hiding there pain or just to exhausted to feel.
I wander what the story is behind each, instead I gently observe. I know I could and have been all these people, I truly have, but being here now, if anything my lesson
Has been I am none of these people now. I understand how easliy I could be, but the carzy truth today is : I am not and I do not need to be here!
Please somebody hear my cry before the cry I become...
I explain to her I know why I came here but it does not apply anymore. Before I came here 2 weeks ago I was manic as a mad hatter. Then maybe I should of been herem I know the day before I came here
My mood shot down and I was depressed. The last few weeks I explained to all it felt like I was bound by a blindfold, I could see but all was distorted. Some kind of cage round my mind.
Well that blindfold has lifted and nothing is didtorted. When the nurse doesn't hear me and talks to me like a child I feel angry.
I am bound not by my blindfold but by an oponion of another. I do not need to be here!naturally if you surrounded by psychoses and suicidal depression naturally one would feel lowm but I only feel low because of surrounding.
My fear is the longer I hang with the gohst of the walking depression the more prone I am to fall into a darkness that is not me.
If it weren't for my visit, I would have a reason to be in that high care room. Its like being in prison when you innocent. The longer
I mingle with psychotics and nurses who baby me, like I am mentally challenged the more I will start to imagine that I am mentally challenged.
I am starting to question where there should be no questions. Fuck it! Let me out.
Then I breathe, I feel the love from others, I feel the love from me. Surely if I feel strong I should be free?
I try to observe others, the lady in my room who wanders stealing towels. The lady who needs 3 nurses to keep her down when she is hysterical.
My closet girl who hides there to cry. The man who plays pool with me but never says a word. Then ofcourse the woman that sleep and that is all they do
Is sleep. I imagine there sleep is a form of hiding there pain or just to exhausted to feel.
I wander what the story is behind each, instead I gently observe. I know I could and have been all these people, I truly have, but being here now, if anything my lesson
Has been I am none of these people now. I understand how easliy I could be, but the carzy truth today is : I am not and I do not need to be here!
Please somebody hear my cry before the cry I become...
Friday, March 19, 2010
room 19
My adress is currently room #19 otherwise known as the suicide watch room. Personaly I do believe I am in the wrong room.
Possibly even the wrong place. I belong neirther here nor there! It is very amusing when I meet someone and they as ”so which room are you in?"
I smile my naughty smile and slyly say ”suside watch" everyone chuckles.
Here, muchlike when you go to rehab, everyone in rehab compares drugs, here they compare suicide attempts, in a very amusing way.
Son no I am not allowed my computer nor my razor, but I do have my phone, with this phone I continue to blog...
Once again my sanity in this loony hospital- and I vouch the loons here are beautiful in all there unique ways. A sad story
Behind each but each manages to laugh and all are special.
When I arrived I was manic. It was torture as I had no outlet, no impulsive drive up th coast, no writing on the walls.I came here to feel better
And it was the worst I have felt yet. I had no one to talk to so I spoke to myself, my feet jamming to my mind speech! I ran, I took a pill, I needed it
As the crazies wouldn't fade and I slept amongst 8 heavily medicated, beastly snoring, suicidal woman. The snoring was a lullaby compared to my intrusive mind.
I fell asleep for 20 minutes, the nurse woke me with a message- your 'friend' will visit u later.
This gave me something to look forward to. I counted each second til visiting time. I could not wait.but wait I did. While I waited I formed a posse. You see when I woke
I woke in feel good way. Confident to be happy while I'm here, and to be happy I can not subject myself to only my mind, I need other minds to. A feeling of the same.
I still feel I don't belong, but I suppose I have always felt that way. So the trick is to connect, when connected to others I will feel more connected to self, and then I can belong in me!
My visitor arrived, my world stopped and became ours. My mind stopped racing and my heart began thumping. An energy of connection had already been made but I felt somewhat different?
Someting surge as hands touched, my heart stopped and my chest warmed. I feel lost in this as I know not what to do,
From one person to another I would say "when I am with you, my soul is not restless" I would say so much. But this is not one person to another, this is my friend, today my beautiful friend!
My new pathalogicol liar of a friend went missing, a couple of hours later she was found hiding in the linen cupboard. Maybe I should try that, perhaps it is a gateway to another world,
Where all makes sense, could be touched my magic and return as just one me. I mean what the hell do u want to do in the linen closte,
I need to rest as my head is throbbing, my world at times becomes so pure and others all the walls fall. I take flight and hold you near but for now, I hold us up in a saftey net, where I will be strong so
Neither will fall!
Possibly even the wrong place. I belong neirther here nor there! It is very amusing when I meet someone and they as ”so which room are you in?"
I smile my naughty smile and slyly say ”suside watch" everyone chuckles.
Here, muchlike when you go to rehab, everyone in rehab compares drugs, here they compare suicide attempts, in a very amusing way.
Son no I am not allowed my computer nor my razor, but I do have my phone, with this phone I continue to blog...
Once again my sanity in this loony hospital- and I vouch the loons here are beautiful in all there unique ways. A sad story
Behind each but each manages to laugh and all are special.
When I arrived I was manic. It was torture as I had no outlet, no impulsive drive up th coast, no writing on the walls.I came here to feel better
And it was the worst I have felt yet. I had no one to talk to so I spoke to myself, my feet jamming to my mind speech! I ran, I took a pill, I needed it
As the crazies wouldn't fade and I slept amongst 8 heavily medicated, beastly snoring, suicidal woman. The snoring was a lullaby compared to my intrusive mind.
I fell asleep for 20 minutes, the nurse woke me with a message- your 'friend' will visit u later.
This gave me something to look forward to. I counted each second til visiting time. I could not wait.but wait I did. While I waited I formed a posse. You see when I woke
I woke in feel good way. Confident to be happy while I'm here, and to be happy I can not subject myself to only my mind, I need other minds to. A feeling of the same.
I still feel I don't belong, but I suppose I have always felt that way. So the trick is to connect, when connected to others I will feel more connected to self, and then I can belong in me!
My visitor arrived, my world stopped and became ours. My mind stopped racing and my heart began thumping. An energy of connection had already been made but I felt somewhat different?
Someting surge as hands touched, my heart stopped and my chest warmed. I feel lost in this as I know not what to do,
From one person to another I would say "when I am with you, my soul is not restless" I would say so much. But this is not one person to another, this is my friend, today my beautiful friend!
My new pathalogicol liar of a friend went missing, a couple of hours later she was found hiding in the linen cupboard. Maybe I should try that, perhaps it is a gateway to another world,
Where all makes sense, could be touched my magic and return as just one me. I mean what the hell do u want to do in the linen closte,
I need to rest as my head is throbbing, my world at times becomes so pure and others all the walls fall. I take flight and hold you near but for now, I hold us up in a saftey net, where I will be strong so
Neither will fall!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
passenger
Well when I started this blog, just three months ago I never could of predicted I truly would experiance analysis paralysis in its deepest form.
I have spent the past few weeks in my own little hell. For once it was not a self-inflicted
Hell. Who would of thought having gastro would manipulate the levels of my lithuim fast tracking me
To extreme meania.
I rode the wave of manic, embracing it. I had fun at first, everything intensely beautiful, it was a 20 meter wave
And I took the surf like duck to water. As expected but uninvited - came spiraling down with a twist.
Not only depressed but manicly so.
I am exhausted by my minds confusion. A mind unmatched with her soul.I felt I lost me.remebering
I lost me a few weeks ago. I was just to lost in the madness to know. Now still I loose myself,one moment hyper,
Confident, feel I can be anything. SLAM. I am down in the pits of my thoughtless hell, where racing thoughts
Of suiside and self harm, feeling alone,no one but me, I hate this space it makes me sick. And then SLAM! I am myself,
Just altered by medication.
With this I have become slightly dangerous to myself and as a result I can't stay in the house I'm in.
Because today I am not just an addict, I am feeling sick, like flu but more vile.
Normally when one gets sick they go to the doctor or if it worsens the hospital.
Tomorrow I will be taking a visit. I doubt I will be able to do my blog(my sanity) for the duration of my visit.
I will be visiting the psyche ward also known as a psychiatric hospital,nut house. And for me - will call it a visit
Until my meds are level.
And I am stable!
I will be sure to take mental notes of the beings and happenings there so I can share my experiances
In all aspects of myself and others in cucu land.hoping that this time there will be no one standing above me talking in tounges.
Could be exciting? @erhaps I can once again make friends with someonewho has dellusions and constantly puts me in her will.
I wander what nickname I might pick up this time? If I'm lucky enough. Perhaps whilst
Getting better I get to learn more about others, experiance life as it is on lifes terms.
This is a gift,I find it beautiful. I need to go, although I'm scared, I want myself in myself!
Not hovering around dancing with ghosts.
So bottoms up to lithuim stabalising my spirited mind. Cheers to me standing strong when I am
Vulnerably weak. I am here for me to stay.
So off I go... Mind divided in millions, soul lost in translation of thoughts.
Off I go,myself fragmented,departed sometimes to Venus and others to hell.
I go to take both back and receive my true from:ME. No straight jackets binding,
No electric shock therapy strapped to my brain, just a caring little getaway for my soul to reach self!
I smile at the faries we all have in our heads. I laugh at the demons whispers of disdain.
I hold the love that keeps sanity sane,(or should it be the other way round? Shrug of shoulders)
Hey, it might only be a few days.. So cool: a toast to care of oneself and support of those who waitamamam
I have spent the past few weeks in my own little hell. For once it was not a self-inflicted
Hell. Who would of thought having gastro would manipulate the levels of my lithuim fast tracking me
To extreme meania.
I rode the wave of manic, embracing it. I had fun at first, everything intensely beautiful, it was a 20 meter wave
And I took the surf like duck to water. As expected but uninvited - came spiraling down with a twist.
Not only depressed but manicly so.
I am exhausted by my minds confusion. A mind unmatched with her soul.I felt I lost me.remebering
I lost me a few weeks ago. I was just to lost in the madness to know. Now still I loose myself,one moment hyper,
Confident, feel I can be anything. SLAM. I am down in the pits of my thoughtless hell, where racing thoughts
Of suiside and self harm, feeling alone,no one but me, I hate this space it makes me sick. And then SLAM! I am myself,
Just altered by medication.
With this I have become slightly dangerous to myself and as a result I can't stay in the house I'm in.
Because today I am not just an addict, I am feeling sick, like flu but more vile.
Normally when one gets sick they go to the doctor or if it worsens the hospital.
Tomorrow I will be taking a visit. I doubt I will be able to do my blog(my sanity) for the duration of my visit.
I will be visiting the psyche ward also known as a psychiatric hospital,nut house. And for me - will call it a visit
Until my meds are level.
And I am stable!
I will be sure to take mental notes of the beings and happenings there so I can share my experiances
In all aspects of myself and others in cucu land.hoping that this time there will be no one standing above me talking in tounges.
Could be exciting? @erhaps I can once again make friends with someonewho has dellusions and constantly puts me in her will.
I wander what nickname I might pick up this time? If I'm lucky enough. Perhaps whilst
Getting better I get to learn more about others, experiance life as it is on lifes terms.
This is a gift,I find it beautiful. I need to go, although I'm scared, I want myself in myself!
Not hovering around dancing with ghosts.
So bottoms up to lithuim stabalising my spirited mind. Cheers to me standing strong when I am
Vulnerably weak. I am here for me to stay.
So off I go... Mind divided in millions, soul lost in translation of thoughts.
Off I go,myself fragmented,departed sometimes to Venus and others to hell.
I go to take both back and receive my true from:ME. No straight jackets binding,
No electric shock therapy strapped to my brain, just a caring little getaway for my soul to reach self!
I smile at the faries we all have in our heads. I laugh at the demons whispers of disdain.
I hold the love that keeps sanity sane,(or should it be the other way round? Shrug of shoulders)
Hey, it might only be a few days.. So cool: a toast to care of oneself and support of those who waitamamam
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Four leaf clovers
Strangely my sister has her birthday on Saint Patrick's day. I say strangely for this is a memory:
There were three young cjildren, The eldest, her sister and a cousin, the same age as the youngest. I remember this as if I were sitting at the bottom of the garden in Rosemary road. The children were dreamers and known across the gardens of there imaginations as explorers. Togeteher the three were a power , a force of spirits combined. They used their powers to fight there way through wars and monsters in the swamps. Of course the swamp was the pool and the monster the creepy crawly. None the less they wore capes (there swimming towels) and flew to the bee tree and back. Once they travelled the lands of war they reached their kingdom of love. They ate watermelon and called it there power juice, and the memory lies here.
I remember sitting at the bottom of the garden under the creepy tree. We sat there for hours on the grass. picking up every clover. Screaming 'I found one I found one" we hoped and prayed to find one, for with this clover we could be free.
So my sister the moral of the story is, we do not need that clover to be free, for we are free, with the love in our hearts and the imagination of our dreams. So from me to you: take this clover and do what suits your soul best.
I miss you, I love you, may the clover of all clovers, fly you through the valley of your dreams, on a magical carpet, and mend you in its soul.
There were three young cjildren, The eldest, her sister and a cousin, the same age as the youngest. I remember this as if I were sitting at the bottom of the garden in Rosemary road. The children were dreamers and known across the gardens of there imaginations as explorers. Togeteher the three were a power , a force of spirits combined. They used their powers to fight there way through wars and monsters in the swamps. Of course the swamp was the pool and the monster the creepy crawly. None the less they wore capes (there swimming towels) and flew to the bee tree and back. Once they travelled the lands of war they reached their kingdom of love. They ate watermelon and called it there power juice, and the memory lies here.
I remember sitting at the bottom of the garden under the creepy tree. We sat there for hours on the grass. picking up every clover. Screaming 'I found one I found one" we hoped and prayed to find one, for with this clover we could be free.
So my sister the moral of the story is, we do not need that clover to be free, for we are free, with the love in our hearts and the imagination of our dreams. So from me to you: take this clover and do what suits your soul best.
I miss you, I love you, may the clover of all clovers, fly you through the valley of your dreams, on a magical carpet, and mend you in its soul.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
segregate me
Oh I sighed, ‘but what is this to mean?” Could it be just as it is? Two become one in feeling for a moment. And is that moment but just a moment, or could it be a moment that lasts a lifetime.
I don’t know how to feel, weather it be my meds, my headspace, me, us or we. I am so frustrated because I am fighting to be just me. I can then make sense of it all. How often is love, love? Could it be, or does my foggy heart deceive me.
It is not only one but two. Forbidden to explore even just attraction. So many of us who want what we cannot have, but then again who says I may not.
I have become so very confused. I do not know how to transmit, or process the information that another may feel the way I do. Due to my not being entirely me, with a spacey head, not even knowing where I am half the time. This alluring being of depth. A depth we share but not to be shared.
How often does one fall for that which is not there’s to fall for. Deceiving myself. I want to feel this, I beg, I plead, let me feel what is meant to be felt. Take this madness away, how is it to be just as I am. No delusions, confusion fades. Oh to be just me. Wait maybe that’s it, maybe this is I and that is not. Do any of us ever know? Do we?
If it could be simple. Take away the addiction, the treatment centre, the less than a year, the rules, the house and just stand there staring from our souls, take me, I will take you. Alas slowly the fence is back, the house is built around us, it’s a treatment centre, addicts mass. Not alone. Alone I hold your hand… To be or not to be, I plead for now just to be: you as you and me as me.
Take me away from this hell, a ravens cry, a demons soil is ruffled bellow my feet. How long does this lat, I’m crying to feel? So I know where I stand, as I hold no ones hand, so I know how I feel, when wept from a quintessential role. A role its not but whole, her.
I feel I know to destroy, give me back so I can relate. I love you as you love me, for now I need not be!
What the fuck am I talking about?
I don’t know how to feel, weather it be my meds, my headspace, me, us or we. I am so frustrated because I am fighting to be just me. I can then make sense of it all. How often is love, love? Could it be, or does my foggy heart deceive me.
It is not only one but two. Forbidden to explore even just attraction. So many of us who want what we cannot have, but then again who says I may not.
I have become so very confused. I do not know how to transmit, or process the information that another may feel the way I do. Due to my not being entirely me, with a spacey head, not even knowing where I am half the time. This alluring being of depth. A depth we share but not to be shared.
How often does one fall for that which is not there’s to fall for. Deceiving myself. I want to feel this, I beg, I plead, let me feel what is meant to be felt. Take this madness away, how is it to be just as I am. No delusions, confusion fades. Oh to be just me. Wait maybe that’s it, maybe this is I and that is not. Do any of us ever know? Do we?
If it could be simple. Take away the addiction, the treatment centre, the less than a year, the rules, the house and just stand there staring from our souls, take me, I will take you. Alas slowly the fence is back, the house is built around us, it’s a treatment centre, addicts mass. Not alone. Alone I hold your hand… To be or not to be, I plead for now just to be: you as you and me as me.
Take me away from this hell, a ravens cry, a demons soil is ruffled bellow my feet. How long does this lat, I’m crying to feel? So I know where I stand, as I hold no ones hand, so I know how I feel, when wept from a quintessential role. A role its not but whole, her.
I feel I know to destroy, give me back so I can relate. I love you as you love me, for now I need not be!
What the fuck am I talking about?
Monday, March 15, 2010
A moment I see
Sometimes I can merrily admit that I just don't know. Today is not one of those days, today I say sadly "I don't know', combined with a confident, sarcastic I give up 'God damn it I just don't know!!!!'
Here I go again with {It's OK} not to know, we or I am not supposed to have the answers to all but at this moment I feel like I should know.
This day has been filled with manic cross low cross high cross both. I babbled my mouth off to my councilor saying far to much. To much being that I obsess over her, what I meant was I fantasise about her.. It just comes out of my mouth. In this state of open ended Bi Polar things are not on the tip of my tongue but gallantly marching out of my mouth. I know as I am saying it, I should not be, but there seems to be no control. I don't know?
I sat opposite my Psychiatrist today as she declared I have Bi polar1 and not just Bi Polar, it hit me a little but did not phase me to much as nothing really is.
I cant stop the stock motion of my mind, the only time I am calmed is through what I see as opposed to what I think:
They run like warriors no lone wheels
Greys road paved , reminiscing peels
away from discarded pools painted blue
a penguins dreams of a kangaroo
spectators bliss from numb to you
we reach out and sense the ride is near
so long ago, my hands turned from fear
lost in this and found in that
we all are one, stood or sat
look at the brave boys heart
and know its been yours from the start
Here I go again with {It's OK} not to know, we or I am not supposed to have the answers to all but at this moment I feel like I should know.
This day has been filled with manic cross low cross high cross both. I babbled my mouth off to my councilor saying far to much. To much being that I obsess over her, what I meant was I fantasise about her.. It just comes out of my mouth. In this state of open ended Bi Polar things are not on the tip of my tongue but gallantly marching out of my mouth. I know as I am saying it, I should not be, but there seems to be no control. I don't know?
I sat opposite my Psychiatrist today as she declared I have Bi polar1 and not just Bi Polar, it hit me a little but did not phase me to much as nothing really is.
I cant stop the stock motion of my mind, the only time I am calmed is through what I see as opposed to what I think:
They run like warriors no lone wheels
Greys road paved , reminiscing peels
away from discarded pools painted blue
a penguins dreams of a kangaroo
spectators bliss from numb to you
we reach out and sense the ride is near
so long ago, my hands turned from fear
lost in this and found in that
we all are one, stood or sat
look at the brave boys heart
and know its been yours from the start
Sunday, March 14, 2010
popcorn
i tried microwave popcorn. I failed? So i put in another box and watched it closely. Two minutes later i had a full bowl of perfect fluffy popcorn. I then served it to three slightly drunk individuals munch away discussing plastic surgery, mmm i wandered why am i sitting amongst the flying fuck langauge laced with vodka and whiskey. Oh yes i feel numbed by my own coctail of anti psychotics. So on the table lies my popcorn surrounded by my mommy slowly sipping trying to get out of an argument with my uncle spitting out my popcorn as he argues 'am i wrong or am i right?' who cares..? My subdued second uncle calmly repeating 'who cares, who cares' reaching for another drink. I cant help but say 'do i have to listen to this shit', 'welcome to the real world' . Yes yes welcome to real world boys and girls, welcome indeed. I will silently sit here hand to mouth with my snack . Observing. Just observing, accepting this reality. My reality right now is that i am part me and part out of me. I shall enjoy my fluffy salty, perfectly white popcorn. Life is delicious.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Walk through me
I may not have been myself lately but through this I believe I know myself wholly.
I am exhausted by this judgement of being this way or that way. I am this way and I wouldnt want to be any other way. Sure at times I am extreme. I may belive i see spirits, I may be open to it. I feel goose bumps when an energy surges through me. I accept it for what it is.
They will debate that we see only illusions. These might sound like the rantings of a kunatic, but hey if thats the way you see me, Im ok with that. I know I am kind, I know I can also be unkind. I am honest with myself and never fail to see the truth. Today I might seem like a zombie in a blue jumper to fight the flight of 'stoned by seraqoul' Some may see me as eccentric, nothing wrong with that.
I am not talking in tounges. BUT I know it could happen to anyone, you me , us them, just about anyone. I know AA/NA easily throw accusations that I would use BI polar as an excuse, I cant judge those who judge, how can I expect them to understand if they themselves have not experianced it. I believe This is harder to repair than addiction. In comparrison addiction is simple to treat, Bi polar a slight bit more conplexed.
I can not judge, I can accept. Accept this is what I need to go through to understand my complete self. I can not judge those who tell me to snap out of it. I can just be what was given to me, all these parts that make a whole are gifts.
Gifts of abnormal survival skills, to love, to care, to understand. We are all given gifts, we just need to give ourselves the time to tap into them.
So tap tap tap away.
I know today there is no need to relapse , why would I want to when everything seems so beautifuly complete. I dont have to be happy or sad to understand, I just have to understand that what ever is given is ok. Just perfectly okay!
I am exhausted by this judgement of being this way or that way. I am this way and I wouldnt want to be any other way. Sure at times I am extreme. I may belive i see spirits, I may be open to it. I feel goose bumps when an energy surges through me. I accept it for what it is.
They will debate that we see only illusions. These might sound like the rantings of a kunatic, but hey if thats the way you see me, Im ok with that. I know I am kind, I know I can also be unkind. I am honest with myself and never fail to see the truth. Today I might seem like a zombie in a blue jumper to fight the flight of 'stoned by seraqoul' Some may see me as eccentric, nothing wrong with that.
I am not talking in tounges. BUT I know it could happen to anyone, you me , us them, just about anyone. I know AA/NA easily throw accusations that I would use BI polar as an excuse, I cant judge those who judge, how can I expect them to understand if they themselves have not experianced it. I believe This is harder to repair than addiction. In comparrison addiction is simple to treat, Bi polar a slight bit more conplexed.
I can not judge, I can accept. Accept this is what I need to go through to understand my complete self. I can not judge those who tell me to snap out of it. I can just be what was given to me, all these parts that make a whole are gifts.
Gifts of abnormal survival skills, to love, to care, to understand. We are all given gifts, we just need to give ourselves the time to tap into them.
So tap tap tap away.
I know today there is no need to relapse , why would I want to when everything seems so beautifuly complete. I dont have to be happy or sad to understand, I just have to understand that what ever is given is ok. Just perfectly okay!
Friday, March 12, 2010
Sereqoul
A double dose of meds prescribed.. the one I ignored to deny
that I am any less normal or real
oh how it would be to feel
I forced myself to an unlikely reality
that of a sudden insanity
today i choose just to swallow
and away i go, away from hollow
This Mania bit me in the back
addiction is nothing compared to the rack
of pills and moods and later Psyche wards
a dangerous flight to the black bag
my mind has become my gag
Tonight i lay myself to sleep
this is no longer mine to keep
no game or shame a fast decline to deep
Depth of field that ranges Psyche's way
a shutter that shoots the mind up or down in just a day
a lover a freak
beautiful,bleak
a happy go lucky declined to a sheep
baa baa , la la . fuck off you creep
Beautiful to me and none the less
turn it off, 'no more' I confess
just close my eyes an see the truth of neon lights
push the room , no more aisles of the flights
to go
kiss me gone to be done
hold me start, become
me
Thursday, March 11, 2010
real'ish'
i am slowy reconneting to reality? I am not entirely sure yet? Carefull what u wish for i lay calmly on th couch feeling comforted by my mother. A safe place to 'come down' in. Unafraid to see myself but uncertain if my self is feady to be balanced. I have learnt by being at my side, i am not afraid of me. Time will tell. It always does. Subsided to a realm of subdued mania, a slight dysphoria and of course the rawness of understanding a beautiful me
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
observer
I am exhausted, tired out by this rapid cycling. The day has been up , down= typical text book Bi Polar.
This morning I was up at 5 am and I felt a little low but my head races past the sluggishness of the meds. I cant write much today as it is the first time I feel both naturally tired and hungry.
The only way I could describe how I am to my therapist was to compare my different waves of feelings with drugs.
Like ecstasy= I become absorbed by all around me. Not only is everything wonderful but everything is pulchritudinous. i feel euphoric and allow myself to be swallowed by nature. I am then followed by ACID= I sense things and become vulnerable to what I imagine is a spirit world of Phoenix's and calming ghosts. Followed by Cocaine= wired , racing, fast, confident, sexual the fucking works... sometimes all three followed by a 'come down' But I have yet to reach my self to reality. With all of this said i am not in myself, rather riding by my side looking in or upon all that's happening. My therapist calls it the observer. Her words melt my heart and I wear them on my sleeve.
The observer is my saving grace from all this madness. A madness I could easily fall head over heels in love with, but me by my side refuses. I know I need to come back to earth.
I understand observer to be a non judgemental dream, a purity of sorts. To be is to be. A knowing of all things , not arrogance but an outside awareness. I don't know much about the Psychology theory of the observer what I do know is how I experience it: so the following will not be text book.
At times not always but often in the past few days I see my self from another point of view, somewhere honest and understanding of all that is. An intuition if you want to call it, an omniscience in ways. I see all and am accepting. Coming from somewhere unknown to me. A new located part of me that is not in my mind but connected to my soul.
I am unsure how to explain and I am unsure I understand.. I drop so quickly. when I am manically high ifeel like a gOd, when I am low i feel like nothing but when I ride beside myself I feel neither. understanding.
Ok i need to get some shut eye, I sometimes think not to take my meds to monitor a natural) just ME.
This is an ongoing battle of up or down, a balance is the beautiful answer. so I go forth and sleep.
night
This morning I was up at 5 am and I felt a little low but my head races past the sluggishness of the meds. I cant write much today as it is the first time I feel both naturally tired and hungry.
The only way I could describe how I am to my therapist was to compare my different waves of feelings with drugs.
Like ecstasy= I become absorbed by all around me. Not only is everything wonderful but everything is pulchritudinous. i feel euphoric and allow myself to be swallowed by nature. I am then followed by ACID= I sense things and become vulnerable to what I imagine is a spirit world of Phoenix's and calming ghosts. Followed by Cocaine= wired , racing, fast, confident, sexual the fucking works... sometimes all three followed by a 'come down' But I have yet to reach my self to reality. With all of this said i am not in myself, rather riding by my side looking in or upon all that's happening. My therapist calls it the observer. Her words melt my heart and I wear them on my sleeve.
The observer is my saving grace from all this madness. A madness I could easily fall head over heels in love with, but me by my side refuses. I know I need to come back to earth.
I understand observer to be a non judgemental dream, a purity of sorts. To be is to be. A knowing of all things , not arrogance but an outside awareness. I don't know much about the Psychology theory of the observer what I do know is how I experience it: so the following will not be text book.
At times not always but often in the past few days I see my self from another point of view, somewhere honest and understanding of all that is. An intuition if you want to call it, an omniscience in ways. I see all and am accepting. Coming from somewhere unknown to me. A new located part of me that is not in my mind but connected to my soul.
I am unsure how to explain and I am unsure I understand.. I drop so quickly. when I am manically high ifeel like a gOd, when I am low i feel like nothing but when I ride beside myself I feel neither. understanding.
Ok i need to get some shut eye, I sometimes think not to take my meds to monitor a natural) just ME.
This is an ongoing battle of up or down, a balance is the beautiful answer. so I go forth and sleep.
night
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Who knows when it Goes off
My meds are up but so am I. They seem to bring me down from time to time and then that cosmic feeling kicks in and it kicks hard.
Tossing turning mumbling in my sleep, look at me like I'm some kind of freak. Up at 5 am, asked what the hell are you doing?
Rushing, swaying/ at least no decaying: Just rashes of playing. an animal.
Pleased to ride what they call the wave: oh please will you behave! NONSENSE, no cutting edge fence.
I could chat you up with fascinating theory of delusion, Oh my god this is no illusion.
What am I doing rhyming each word, this is not totally absurd.
A part of the mania, just google it, you my relate then have a hissy fit.
Hooray hooray, I'm hyper today
Ole! Ole! manic to stay...
Sadly no, it comes and goes, from dancing to doze... a cycle of prose.
Sliding down the moody ride
when its done I could of died BUT
It's here now and no it wont stay
I plan for my mind to keep it at bay...
tomorrow i might laugh and then weep But i always know its a beautiful fancy to keep.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Famous kind of dream
Its official I am super manic. Waking up for sunset, which I must add was alluring in all it's essence. Some kind of wonderful I have never seen. Today I was privileged enough to gaze upon the scene of the sun coming up from a huge rain cloud. As the rays met my eyes, the rain poured into the sea. Captivated for a brief moment and up an at 'em I go. Go in a whole new understanding of the terminology. I frantically smoked three cigarette's one after the other, trying to calm down my thoughts. Racing, pacing, facing the mad rush of a perfect mania. Senses heightened to all sounds, sights and smells. Sending my feelings soaring like a shadowed phoenix.
I sat down with my grand parents to have breakfast, quick as my appetite is low when I am high. Bid them a sweet farewell of warm hugs on the damp grass.I became speed race along the coast, trying to arrive at home on time for community group. HALT! Morning traffic. Instead of road rage I found my self to be calm as I was consumed by thoughts and racing ideas. Taking in the not so subtle precious view. I arrived!
People asked if I had used. My mania was visible and even more noticeable. This made me more paranoid and my behaviour became extenuated. My thoughts fast my speech faster. A cheetah racing a pronghorn antelope. Group started and I felt i was being infiltrated with negative energy. And Fuck no, no ones messing with this high. I shot back speech of defiance. When a councilor said 'you are disrupting the group' I fumed and my mania by the furies side I got up and declared "that's OK" pushed my chair "I will kindly leave group and there will be no destruction. So you can all concentrate on you!" I left in a steam.
Called my mom screaming that I'm leaving, "I'm fed up! Done with this rehab shit, I'm going to Plett(a small town 6 hours from here" I soon realised it was my impulse and not me. I had a cold shower to 'calm' down, chatted with my counselor. She had a way with me that made this feel so much more manageable, easier. I called My Psychiatrist and she explains my lithium levels are out of range because I had Gastro. Can not believe that link???? She has now instructed me to double my dose of sereqoul (shut off pill) at night. She also expects me to take the shut off pill during the day. This scares me as I refuse to be zombified.
And... not so secretly I love manic! I feel on top of the world, higher then free basing off a cliff. I told my counselor I would be going for a swim, to return directly after. Then my head started ticking, tick tick ... Next thing I had a body board under my arm a umbrella over my shoulder and a picnic lunch. The extreme. Of course it too me hours to find the stretch of beach I wanted. I drove miles and eventually turned around and settled for the first spot.
I lay in the sand restless, swimming often to stop my head from feeling in the clouds and on an acid trip. I returned home. And home is where I am now.
So manic is fucking A but it self destructs rabidly. Today I did something different: I called my shrink and asked for help. I could of done what I do best taken the ride and see where it took me. For now I am still on the wave but lets see?
I sat down with my grand parents to have breakfast, quick as my appetite is low when I am high. Bid them a sweet farewell of warm hugs on the damp grass.I became speed race along the coast, trying to arrive at home on time for community group. HALT! Morning traffic. Instead of road rage I found my self to be calm as I was consumed by thoughts and racing ideas. Taking in the not so subtle precious view. I arrived!
People asked if I had used. My mania was visible and even more noticeable. This made me more paranoid and my behaviour became extenuated. My thoughts fast my speech faster. A cheetah racing a pronghorn antelope. Group started and I felt i was being infiltrated with negative energy. And Fuck no, no ones messing with this high. I shot back speech of defiance. When a councilor said 'you are disrupting the group' I fumed and my mania by the furies side I got up and declared "that's OK" pushed my chair "I will kindly leave group and there will be no destruction. So you can all concentrate on you!" I left in a steam.
Called my mom screaming that I'm leaving, "I'm fed up! Done with this rehab shit, I'm going to Plett(a small town 6 hours from here" I soon realised it was my impulse and not me. I had a cold shower to 'calm' down, chatted with my counselor. She had a way with me that made this feel so much more manageable, easier. I called My Psychiatrist and she explains my lithium levels are out of range because I had Gastro. Can not believe that link???? She has now instructed me to double my dose of sereqoul (shut off pill) at night. She also expects me to take the shut off pill during the day. This scares me as I refuse to be zombified.
And... not so secretly I love manic! I feel on top of the world, higher then free basing off a cliff. I told my counselor I would be going for a swim, to return directly after. Then my head started ticking, tick tick ... Next thing I had a body board under my arm a umbrella over my shoulder and a picnic lunch. The extreme. Of course it too me hours to find the stretch of beach I wanted. I drove miles and eventually turned around and settled for the first spot.
I lay in the sand restless, swimming often to stop my head from feeling in the clouds and on an acid trip. I returned home. And home is where I am now.
So manic is fucking A but it self destructs rabidly. Today I did something different: I called my shrink and asked for help. I could of done what I do best taken the ride and see where it took me. For now I am still on the wave but lets see?
Saturday, March 6, 2010
A tinge touched
Alittle bit of mania couldnt hurt anybody? Or could it!
I am unable to sit fixed to anything. I love it when she takes over. She=manicly me. The wind blowing through my head, the ocean is calling.
My mind is here: Yesterday I was online for hours, scoping houses to buy. I had an idea, a very good idea, I was in the way of 'im opening a residence for addicts that have no where else to go" Hours tapping my fingers, my eyes gifted to intense concentration on my idea. I did all the maths in my head, prices, how many to a room, costs... AND then switch my mind is elsewhere. "Maybe I should concentrate on my exhibition" same thing , focused , rapid rapid thoughts and ideas. This image that image a new image AND bang next thought "perhaps I should start a Visual diary" I can plaster pictures odf my youth carefully designed to emphasize my feeling, a picture of who I am and where Im at AND zapped into a new idea "a book, write a book thats a phenomenal idea" .....
I love these moods, I embrace myself when my mind works like this, a new spark in my eye at each blink. Chattering teeth as my soundtrack, agitated knee dancing to my thoughts. Im in the kitchen and the bedroom simultaneously. Im researching projects, formulas, ideas, gifts AND halt,
Shit man Im not actually doing anything! Im manic. I like it but how can I like it if I cant contain any ideas. Choose one stick to it. My project now, my bellowing idea is to choose just one and stick to it. My plan is to go forth into the room and start my coloring in book of visual madness AND already my trail of thought is a new blog of image bank.
Take this mania and let it fill me, though when it runs through me let me learn to keep it useful. Submerge
creatively. (if only I had a studio right now) AND flash there we go again.
Im going to take a drive in to these winds and clear my thoughts by racing past them.
I am unable to sit fixed to anything. I love it when she takes over. She=manicly me. The wind blowing through my head, the ocean is calling.
My mind is here: Yesterday I was online for hours, scoping houses to buy. I had an idea, a very good idea, I was in the way of 'im opening a residence for addicts that have no where else to go" Hours tapping my fingers, my eyes gifted to intense concentration on my idea. I did all the maths in my head, prices, how many to a room, costs... AND then switch my mind is elsewhere. "Maybe I should concentrate on my exhibition" same thing , focused , rapid rapid thoughts and ideas. This image that image a new image AND bang next thought "perhaps I should start a Visual diary" I can plaster pictures odf my youth carefully designed to emphasize my feeling, a picture of who I am and where Im at AND zapped into a new idea "a book, write a book thats a phenomenal idea" .....
I love these moods, I embrace myself when my mind works like this, a new spark in my eye at each blink. Chattering teeth as my soundtrack, agitated knee dancing to my thoughts. Im in the kitchen and the bedroom simultaneously. Im researching projects, formulas, ideas, gifts AND halt,
Shit man Im not actually doing anything! Im manic. I like it but how can I like it if I cant contain any ideas. Choose one stick to it. My project now, my bellowing idea is to choose just one and stick to it. My plan is to go forth into the room and start my coloring in book of visual madness AND already my trail of thought is a new blog of image bank.
Take this mania and let it fill me, though when it runs through me let me learn to keep it useful. Submerge
creatively. (if only I had a studio right now) AND flash there we go again.
Im going to take a drive in to these winds and clear my thoughts by racing past them.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Girl meets boy
Most times people have more than just addiction. We live amongst a number of behavioral problems. Most of which I can relate to. The one I will highlight today is round "sex. Love and affirmation" and everything one would do for that. I am one of those who seek affirmation to feel better. One who chases love to the point of rejection and in my case if there is sex that is just a bonus. Then you get those who seek affirmation through sex.
I cannot build the right picture of the suspense and drama in what seemed to be the making of a reality game show in the living room. Except this was not a game! I sat and watched a friend fall. She sat and listened to an arrogant bloke talk of her as if she is nothing. Simply put he is the most selfish male I have ever encountered. Preying on vulnerable young girls. He acts promptest as if he can dominate anyone, I see through him. He is sad and alone. He pretends so hard not to care he might of stopped altogether.
I had to confront him and sleeping beauty of a well-formed exclusive relationship/ their manipulation playing it openly. I hurt for her when she could not at his flippancy towards her.
They were launched, kicked out, asked to leave. In short: I have explained before in a facility such as this we are expected to work on ourselves and our behaviors to be able to integrate into life and a life without using. Simply asked not to engage in sexual, romantic or exclusive relationships. As I to have done this earlier and been launched for 48 hours I had time to reflect: It is not about sex or a relationship it is purely that we have been so broken from ourselves for so long, how is it possible so early to be truly "in love3" In my experience it is rather truly defocused from self, everything falls away and before you know it I could be lost to a long line of cocaine.
Complexes? Simple?
I feel sad for my friend; I see parts of myself in her. I feel sad for this process of harshness, that it can sometimes be, I feel sad for those so lost in there selves they no longer find the need to connect to others.
I cannot speak for other but from my eyes this is what happened:
A lost girl
A lost boy (BOY MEETS GIRL)
Both addicts with underlying or very obvious 'sexlove addiction'
Girl seeks affirmation
Boy seeks affirmation (GIRLS FALLS FOR BOY)
Girl receives a drawing from boy
Boy receives devotion from girl
Boy hurts girl (BOY & GIRL?)
Girl takes boy back
Normally Girl seeks love in affirmation and always falls. Then girl learns it is much like the high and lows of using: I can’t expect everyone to understand.
BUT
This game of boy meets girl, boy meets boy, girl meets girl, and girl meets boy does not work when all are fragile and still building a relationship with themselves. I take myself for example: when I slept with a girl a few months ago, I spiraled down so much when I was rejected I became destructive, to the point of let me relapse. I stopped myself and learnt some some.
This game does not work because it based on a false hope of open-ended sentences and lies. It brings one or even both down to some dark left over from the light.
Whatever I am not going to philosophies my theories on this for hours. But for you my friend: Yes own your part and grow.
And B O Y, grow up or fuck off...
Actually I have thought of this some more: I have no right to judge, but I can sense and I do feel. Life can not only be about one person, I can not afford to be self centered, to be self centered is a very mastered isolation to self pushing.
I ask myself why am I giving my power away to those who dont care for me anyway. The answer is thus: I can still care for those who dont. Be sensitive to those who dont even see me walk past. Its ok because thats me!
Actually I have thought of this some more: I have no right to judge, but I can sense and I do feel. Life can not only be about one person, I can not afford to be self centered, to be self centered is a very mastered isolation to self pushing.
I ask myself why am I giving my power away to those who dont care for me anyway. The answer is thus: I can still care for those who dont. Be sensitive to those who dont even see me walk past. Its ok because thats me!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Gramps
There is an old man that lives here and he is not just any old man. Actually is not that old at all. 10 years younger then my grand parents and he shuffles around with his nose turned to the sky as if he were 30 years older then them. He is of course an alcoholic, not just any alcoholic. He carries air about him. He talks like a judge in a courtroom. He tells us constantly about his intellect. I wander if he knows intellect is not connection.
He strides with grandiose at his side. Not just arrogance, superiority at it's highest. Everyday he refines his words and those of others. He simply thinks he is perfection of glorified "Englishman" Looking down on others with humor that does not seem to match his intellect. Never connecting to others. Constantly proposing that he is "calm and utterly positive"
I do not trust him. I can’t stand the sight of him or his snooty energy that seeps into my core, grinding it like flesh to a grater. I often feel him staring at me and loudly I moan "arrrrrrrggggggg" I informed my counselor that if he were to look at either me or my friend for longer than one minute, one more time, I would take his eyes out!" extreme, I suppose- I tend to listen to my gut and she cries STOP!
He came in to my space, his hand pushed down on my shoulder. I looked up at him sheepishly thinking 'if you touch me one more time I will fucking kill you" but instead I smiled. This balding male, wearing pants to his chest, with a bulge on his bottom that resembles a diaper but it is not, just his fashion. Condescendingly he spoke slowly and softly " you have parked in my parking, that’s where I park!" every word that left his mouth was like swallowing earthworms. 'Really" I said. From that day 2 of my friends and I have parked in "his" parking daily.
I find it hard to tolerate a 'judge' who manipulates every, movement, word and so called emotion. I find it almost impossible to live under the same roof as what I interpret as a "dirty old man| always lurking around me, glaring. Enough is enough. Tomorrow I take this carefully pre meditated |'gramps' on.
Not in a ring or the back of a club. In a therapeutic group of course.
I know tolerance of others and human compassion is a give and take. I will try to be as tolerant as I can. I will not lie about how I feel. I will no longer let him own my space: I will look him in the eye and calmly (hopefully) ask him what he is hiding? See where it goes from there.
This is not to attack but to grow. It will help both me and maybe him. I will confront appropriately, not in rage and possibly even set a boundary. I allowed this to go on to long. To the point that I have lost any tolerance. This is bluntly honest; I am not perfect nor strive to be. I am learning a healthier way.
To be continued...
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
open/close
My Therapist said something really profound today, but I'm gonna have to call her in the morning to remind me: that's how mind blowing it was(and I am not being sarcastic) I just need a word from her to explain it all perfectly.
I made my own decision today, something I do not do often. I usually let things slide, the kind of person who can SOMETIMES be "I don't know, what do you want to do?"
Toady I decided to go visit my ex girlfriend. I wanted a good bye. I asked my self first what are my motives behind this. Honestly no motives other then I want to see her, I want to say good bye.
As I approached the door my heart was pounding like a hammer to a sheet. I was welcomed by a good person. There was no one last time "sex in the afternoon" . There was no screaming match of the blame game. In fact there was no game at all. We sat and chatted for hours. Asked and answered questions. For once there was whole honesty from both sides. We share and will always share a connection. A common ground of love. We both understand we can not be together and for now only far away friends of mutual respect.
Talking, laughing being really while cuddled by Sandy(the dog) it came to the time I would have to go. I said to her "it was very hard for me to come her, but it will be even harder to leave" She understood just by the way she looked at me. Walked me to the door, we hugged, just hugged. I kissed her on the cheek, held my hand on her shoulder, looked deeply into her, the real her "I do care for you!" She smiled warmly, beautifully unspoken. I walked away and muttered to myself "I love you, I need to let you go"
I couldn't of asked for it any other way. It may not be complete closure but it makes it easier for my process.
I felt a little sad, relieved but mostly Amazing!
So life goes on as it does, flowing faster then my mind races. I savour the moments it stands still.
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