Just me and mine

I only have a few minutes or maybe even seconds to do this as this is an illegal entry.
What I mean bu that is it is my stepmothers computer and she forbids me of its use, as if I am some sort of hacker. I guess she is afraid I will 'hack' into her mail(mmm what is she hiding?)

Well forget the mysteries of the step moms paranoia and let me focus for a few lines.

I am back from my trip and in to my realm of movement of mind with body and soul. Today I have decided to take a vacation from a vacatiom. I will be spending the next two days, staying by myself, with my different personas as my guests, I will cook delicious food, sit by an imaginary fire as i sip my soup in this winter cold. I will make prints from much discarded images, I have left to be filed. No more I will set them free.

I will watch movies of my choice and the choice of each persona that chooses me.

I am looking forward to the next two days, no internet, screened calls and self stimulation of enjoying my own company.

I will be back on friday, rested and ready to share myself with others once again.

weeping traveler

I feel some kind of numb! Aloof to all things but at the same time still interested in the small things, still bound to my ponderous dreaming. Well indifferent one moment and lost in some parallel universe the next. I am trying to build a nest without the basic twigs.

I have all these options, live here, live there and yet I live no where. I have considered myself to be a modern day gypsy for years. My nickname by many is "the bag lady" As I never know where I will go next I have this habitual way of carrying a backpack, with all the loose bits, a camera bag, my soul, a larger bag, my clothes, a satchel, my computer, my communication and a hand bag filled with loose papers, pens and stuff. Sometimes I also have a plastic bag with my damp swimsuit and towel and always draped over my shoulders a couple of jackets and on my head a few hats. This is how I look when walking into the place a stay, ready for all seasons and ready to go...

For now I'm done with this city,
I would like the sea, If the sea doesn't work,
bring the bush to me,
or even a farmland picturesque
Sense honestly I have become used to the gypsy

So now I have a choice of where I should live and this choice has become hard. How to choose when still so confused. How to make decisions when everything is jumbled. How to live when I seem to be between two universes.

I must remember: before one can run, one must walk. Before one walks , they must crawl. I am crawling, trying to find my feet to walk. Running is not an option, balanced slow paced walking is my objective. A not so scandalous goal.

I was in love with my therapist

When I wake up on time: the normal ritual of most, shower, get dressed, brush my teeth, have breakfast, feel fresh. It seems like any morning. I know its not just any morning when I do all of this before 7:30 am. When there is a certain excitement that only equals to one thing. This one thing is : today I see me therapist. 

Yes I am your typical case scenario of a patient who "falls in love" with your therapist. There are many theories associated with this "love"the most popular would be that of "transference" with me this "transference" started as an intrigue, wanting to know more about her, what she is like in real life, is she single, is she... it turned in to a crush of sorts. Thinking about her constantly, testing her by paying compliments, flirting, smiling, looking for any reaction at all. Still nothing so , i began to fantasize as a way of trying to connect. These were powerful fantasies. I briefly went through a phase that I would sexualize her. Eventually i professed my love for her in a timid way. It took time for my obsession with her faded some what and I began to idealise her. I always tried to get close in a way of romantic intrigue and soon realised it would go no where and I would get nothing, i decided to love her from a distance. To suppress my "transference" and 4 years later I know It was all just a typical case scenario.

I still get excited when I have an appointment , I sometimes still run my eyes across her body, paying close attention to what she is wearing and how it fits her body. Still get anxious for the first few minutes of our sessions. Still take a mental picture of her eyes and how her hair falls on her small but strong frame. When my eyes wander to her open chest  I stop myself before I have completely undressed her because that is not why I go there. This is just a bit of how my mind works: almost erotic.

Now I have become drawn to the process, i find that she is the only person I truly trust even thought i doubt at times. I speak freely and openly sometimes with difficulty. her mind interesting and I am drawn to the thought provoking words, even when few. I find I am more interested in listening to her now, I always have been but blurred it with m need to be close to her. I feel now my excitement to see her is not of desire to lust but to learn. I find i jabber and am making more of an effort to listen or learn. 

If only it did not take me almost 4 years to really want help, i know it was a necessary process.

I am still a little pissed that she told my counselor I am manipulative. I would prefer to hear it from her. A piece from our session today: I was asked what I want in terms of out of life or this process. I'm not sure if I understand, but surely this is simple? She suggested that unless One has no vision of what they truly want there will be no purpose, something to that effect.

I'm left with many thoughts, i leave you with this: this woman know what she is talking about! I