i keep

Could be? That eveything has just suddenly gone silent.

A mind that works over time,over play, over kill, now dormant.

Thoughts piercing even when asleep. I weeped.
I find myself at a calm standstill reap. I reaped.

This might last only a wink,
Tick tock I cant think

a point in time that has elapsed with empty peace.


















I like that blank piece.

popcorn

i tried microwave popcorn. I failed? So i put in another box and watched it closely. Two minutes later i had a full bowl of perfect fluffy popcorn. I then served it to three slightly drunk individuals munch away discussing plastic surgery, mmm i wandered why am i sitting amongst the flying fuck langauge laced with vodka and whiskey. Oh yes i feel numbed by my own coctail of anti psychotics. So on the table lies my popcorn surrounded by my mommy slowly sipping trying to get out of an argument with my uncle spitting out my popcorn as he argues 'am i wrong or am i right?' who cares..? My subdued second uncle calmly repeating 'who cares, who cares' reaching for another drink. I cant help but say 'do i have to listen to this shit', 'welcome to the real world' . Yes yes welcome to real world boys and girls, welcome indeed. I will silently sit here hand to mouth with my snack . Observing. Just observing, accepting this reality. My reality right now is that i am part me and part out of me. I shall enjoy my fluffy salty, perfectly white popcorn. Life is delicious.

Imperfection allowed

You know sometimes this 12 step programme seems to be a program of perfection. I sometimes feel it does not allow space to be just a bit of human. Always focusing on your addict. I am not sorry to say that I refuse to be told I'm sick all the time, that I am suffering from a deadly disease. Give me space to be exactly what I am= HUMAN! 

Seriously they say it is a simple program, yes a simple concept but not a simple programme. Be honest in all your affairs, always do the right thing, be completely open minded, allow for no mistakes: strive for perfection? No not me, I can try my hardest but I will make mistakes and to this I am very open minded. 

I don't like the pressure of the word perfection? Is there such a thing anyway. I wouldn't want to be anything more or less than what I am. I can try, that's a given, but allow for mistakes or it would be like expectations. 

Just for today I allow myself to be more than an addict, I can be human!

Just for Tomorrow

I'm sitting here, lonesome and unsure really of what to write. I have to as I have made myself a promise to work on this daily. Something short It would have to be as a have a "trip" to plan for tomorrow. I cant decide what kind of trip I should take? Labyrinth or up the coast. Why do 2 such wonderful decisions have to be so very difficult for me to make: That is an easy answer I am taking 2 people with me and like my mom says "you don't hunt in packs" My mom knows me well.

I just had my mom on the phone reading the entire NA Newsletter to me. The very news letter I read just an hour ago. Hearing it from her was sum how more amusing and less depressing. I had just been feeling very sorry for the certain anonymous people who submit their thoughts in to that very well made but honestly very desperate and very sad newsletter, I i can call it that, for it sounds much like quotes from all the recovery literature, slogans from all the fellowship meeting and really no individual flair at all! I respect that repetition of slogans, comfort of a fellowship, the constant need to reminice guilt and shame, climbing steps works for many people, I simply state It does not work for me. I go these meetings as it is whats expected of me, thankfully some of them are very funny and I stay close to those, realistically i will not stay close for life as I know in my heart I will find something that works for me!

Tomorrow I set out on a adventure of being free from rules, expectations and repetition. Tomorrow I explore roads and ways that carry me spiritually. Tomorrow I will drive up the coast...