a vague realism

I guess I would say I accomplished what I wanted to do in the last two days: me time. I guess I was unsuccessful at leaving the house (ever). I was successful at cooking three meals by meals I mean 1) Tomato soup. 2) Beef fillet with roasted peppers and baked potato and #) French toast. So yes for me that's cooking. I was successful at watching six dvd. When asked what I watched I cant seem to recall all of them. So i ate, smoked(cigarettes) , watched a hell of a lot of tv and slept in late. I would say I was escaping. I no longer use drugs as a form of escape so staying at home loosing myself to a warm blanket, good food and a movie is my escape.

It was successful, i accomplished my goal, which was not see anyone and just be with myself, next time I will try some silence to.

So that's me, and now here I am back home with my grandparents ready to take on what ever it is that's intended for me to take on. right? what is that....

I have been having these awful scary but meaningful dreams. Such as all the people I love are in dangerous placed and very threatened. In these dreams I always have to save them, but sometimes I cant save them at all, and I wake up crying. Crying and have a splitting headache. Of course this gets me thinking, or rather dissecting these dreams and I guess it all comes down to dreams being a sequence of events combined with memory, sub conscience, feelings and fears(notice how I differentiate feelings from fears) Any way my therapist suggested to me it was a fear of certain people not always being there and my constant need to always keep everyone happy. (she has a point.) There was one thing I cant shake in this dream there is a woman I have never met and she is my wife and we have children, and I have to protect them) well who ever that woman is, if she is to be my wife and we are to meet in my real life, i will be very happy) where can I start looking. no no, I don't look. We meet, someway when I have forgotten. Isn't that normally how it works, wait a minute this is a dream from some other place, and I would want no part in the other parts of this dream, so no "psychic abilities" unwelcome here.

brown coated hometown

So here I am visiting my home town and am happy that is all I am here: a visitor. Its always challenging being here and everytime I come here I swear I will never return. Somehow I always find my way back.

I wander if heritage is enogh to keep me in such a dull place. I fail to see any positives of this place I was born and bred, It could be i just put blinders on, as to refuse to connect in anyway.

Connection of here is not up to me, for history seems to keep me grounded or rather wounded. I look out the window and the view is faded, everything brown, the grass, the houses, the sky: me.

So i found myself being depressed and started thinking, there is nothing wrong with here. Its ok to be a visitor in a place i once called home, If I take the blindersoff I can see there is infact beauty in everything.

History is just the way we have been conditioned to behave, just a particle of true form, but absolutely not true. Take history and thought process away and we become what we truly are. So with this, I unstrap my blind fold of hetred for 'home' and use both concept, imagination and feeling.

There are pros to everything, How cvan I forget the authentic of upbrining, and experiances not only bad are just that experiances. They dont make you or I. I have family here, that are dear to me and more than just heritage, they are past,current and future. They may not be me, but they are part of me. And If I were not in this hometown I apparently despise I would not have that experiance of part of.

So now when I go look out the window, it may be brown, but it will be a brown I will not always be able to see, It will become romantic and just a part of being what makes up particles of me. I dont have to make it the blood that pumps my heart, but I canjust accept it as a now moment.

So I know home is not neccesarily where I am from, not a search forwhere I belong,just a sence of who I am is enough of home for me, even if I am only at the foundatuion of that home.

motion sick

One of those days when I am just not in the mood. I am fed up with all these 'professionals' in my life,
This rehab out of rehab. I have a shrink who medicates me and sees that the progran of th AA/NA does not
Allow for much individuality. I am in agreement.

I was then asked by my counslor, who I only happen to see twice a week, she asked me my dreaded and most avoided subject,
"Are you going to meetings?" , "no ofcourse" was my answer, "well how and why are you staying clean?"
I was direct and firm and looked her in the eyes , the answer simple and strong, "because I want to!"
To me that is more believable then me telling her that I'm doing this because of ...

Now as I have said beforen yes this fellowship works for some, and it has been proven and blah blah blah, I'm happy that that's what is
Working for them and clearly something else is working for me. It called a blance of belief.

Instead od these folks spendidng so much time trying to convinse me of thgier way, surely working with something that works for me as
Opposed to working with what works for me, I will never pretend that it works if it does not.

Tommorrow I am 6 months clean, I pretend to be modest but inside I am truly proud. And I am particulary proud that I have put in the work,
I continue to put in the work, even when so much has gone wrong, so much is right.
I have done this by honouring what works for me, with the guidence of beauty. - will go into this tomorrow,
For now I know, live , breather and feel what guides me. It not a programme or a person, it just is!


I'm now sitting next to my mom as we house sit a mansion that feels like a cruise ships, as if we floting on the ocean, I sometimes even feel sea sick,
My mom is sipping on her vodka convincing me that we have identical noses. And they perfect! Slightly irritated at her tipsiness, I humour her, and am 'confinced'
Its not that bad , eventhough I see har sadness, I remind myself I know her sadness(well)

So here : mommy and me, just stting on our boat of moving souls on the gifts sea.

Walk through me

I may not have been myself lately but through this I believe I know myself wholly.

I am exhausted by this judgement of being this way or that way. I am this way and I wouldnt want to be any other way. Sure at times I am extreme. I may belive i see spirits, I may be open to it. I feel goose bumps when an energy surges through me. I accept it for what it is.

They will debate that we see only illusions. These might sound like the rantings of a kunatic, but hey if thats the way you see me, Im ok with that. I know I am kind, I know I can also be unkind. I am honest with myself and never fail to see the truth. Today I might seem like a zombie in a blue jumper to fight the flight of 'stoned by seraqoul' Some may see me as eccentric, nothing wrong with that.

I am not talking in tounges. BUT I know it could happen to anyone, you me , us them, just about anyone. I know AA/NA easily throw accusations that I would use BI polar as an excuse, I cant judge those who judge, how can I expect them to understand if they themselves have not experianced it. I believe This is harder to repair than addiction. In comparrison addiction is simple to treat, Bi polar a slight bit more conplexed.

I can not judge, I can accept. Accept this is what I need to go through to understand my complete self. I can not judge those who tell me to snap out of it. I can just be what was given to me, all these parts that make a whole are gifts.

Gifts of abnormal survival skills, to love, to care, to understand. We are all given gifts, we just need to give ourselves the time to tap into them.

So tap tap tap away.

I know today there is no need to relapse , why would I want to when everything seems so beautifuly complete. I dont have to be happy or sad to understand, I just have to understand that what ever is given is ok. Just perfectly okay!