observer

I am exhausted, tired out by this rapid cycling. The day has been up , down= typical text book Bi Polar.
This morning I was up at 5 am and I felt a little low but my head races past the sluggishness of the meds. I cant write much today as it is the first time I feel both naturally tired and hungry.

The only way I could describe how I am to my therapist was to compare my different waves of feelings with drugs.

Like ecstasy= I become absorbed by all around me. Not only is everything wonderful but everything is pulchritudinous. i feel euphoric and allow myself to be swallowed by nature. I am then followed by ACID= I sense things and become vulnerable to what I imagine is a spirit world of Phoenix's and calming ghosts. Followed by Cocaine= wired , racing, fast, confident, sexual the fucking works... sometimes all three followed by a 'come down' But I have yet to reach my self to reality. With all of this said i am not in myself, rather riding by my side looking in or upon all that's happening. My therapist calls it the observer. Her words melt my heart and I wear them on my sleeve.

The observer is my saving grace from all this madness. A madness I could easily fall head over heels in love with, but me by my side refuses. I know I need to come back to earth.

I understand observer to be a non judgemental dream, a purity of sorts. To be is to be. A knowing of all things , not arrogance but an outside awareness. I don't know much about the Psychology theory of the observer what I do know is how I experience it: so the following will not be text book.

At times not always but often in the past few days I see my self from another point of view, somewhere honest and understanding of all that is. An intuition if you want to call it, an omniscience in ways. I see all and am accepting. Coming from somewhere unknown to me. A new located part of me that is not in my mind but connected to my soul.

I am unsure how to explain and I am unsure I understand.. I drop so quickly. when I am manically high ifeel like a gOd, when I am low i feel like nothing but when I ride beside myself I feel neither. understanding.


Ok i need to get some shut eye, I sometimes think not to take my meds to monitor a natural) just ME.

This is an ongoing battle of up or down, a balance is the beautiful answer. so I go forth and sleep.

night