Months from Poisen

When going in to treatment: I have been a few times and the anxiety I felt walking in, feeling ashamed that I would have to be here, amongst addicts. There is of course a stigma attached to being and addict. One I shrug my shoulders to. 

Well I remember the first time I shied my way around voices calling out to me 'so whats your drug of choice, whats your poison?" I was really cornered with every single face that somehow directly seemed to be 2 cm from mine, I muttered "cocaine" and smiled. Person from person latching on to substance and defining you by your drug of choice. 

By the time I reached my 3rd rehab, I walked in "cocaine and I have been in treatment before" before anyone could ask me. I see now it was a way of masking insecurity and forwarding an air of junkie pride. I'm hardcore, leave me alone kind of thing. 

Now if someone asks me I would say "Its not really the drug of choice that matters, its where the drug has brought me" So here we are coke,heroin,alcohol,weed,tik,speed,benzos,cat,ket... different drugs same thing.

I can also confidently say my poison is me! The alcohol is a side effect of the coke, the coke a side effect of the woman, the woman from love, the love is a side effect of me, If i am unhealthy I will use. By this I mean : I lack any control around rejection, I create rejection by falling in 'love' with the wrong woman, a woman I normally know will reject me, when I hurt, i use and then I am nothing but a void feeding on cocaine, I convince myself this will help me feel, or not, That I will connect o self, to be free.

Nothing but a ring a rose of violent dreams, seizures of empty screams. Nothing but a mirror of blank me and demons falling through my being. Just a stench from broken connection sending myself crashing to tears that mean nothing. I become lost not only to others, i have lost me. I suppose it will take more than 4 months to repair something that has been so damaged by a false need to be through substance or people. 

4 months later I can smile. I may not know who I want to be, I do know I can be someone. I know I can feel wet her it be painful or joy, I am feeling. To feel is a gift, to hide from this would worsen everything I know or don't know. I don't have to know, today i know this , I am more free than I was when I thought I escaped this reality.

Reality does not have to be what I think they want it to be. Reality is, just as it is in this moment.

So what's your poison?