this is yesterdays

Isn't it strange how in a place you have never felt truly welcomed you can be so warmly welcomed and in a instant of one small incident u become unwelcomed. Strange how life works.

Today I arrived at my dads place with an irritating feeling in my gut. How are they going to treat me (after the psyche ward) what will I say? Can I be myself? For so many years it has been a struggle to be any of that here. Well the fascinating thing, with all our history,energy I did what came naturally. I played no role, I played myself so to speak.

After a lovely dinner, pomegranate juice flowing, laughing, bonding and a family love I have always craved. A heartfelt steak blending with butterflies of tender rare caring, salted with open minds, no seduction was needed as this was pure so easliy intoxicated with feeling.

Well here I am feeling welcomed and comfort, I ask what I think is a normal thing, "can I use the computer please" I almost knew the answer just from the silence, her face almost told me before she mouthed the words. Plainly, this is my dads house, where I would like to feel at home and it comes a little hard when, there are 3 computers IN this house and - apparently can't use any?

Well I'm not sure what it is but I'm sure what my thoughts are: in a short space of realness so easily the fake sets in? If I can't use a computer in my own fathers house what is it about me? I'm sure I am feeling not only irritated but in one turn of a ridiculous answer everything seems divided and how can I tell what's real or is it realish.

Well its okay, I wear the real on my sleeve and keep the rest in my pocket.
And its more okay that I can send this through my sister by pen through , phone, my ink is my blackberry and my pen is you.
That moment of 'family ties' was worth every bit to put all the real that comes with it , close by on my sleeve.

REALLY?

Stuck for non entity. Today I waited for my dad and them to go on their four hour cycle. I am using their excessive exercise time,, to sneak into my spemothers "office" so I can communicated with my blog. This is ofcourse sfter watching rugby with them at 7 :30am(dedicated to their sport) so here quick before I get caught....

Where is the line between real and un real
something you touch smell or feel
could be just as yes as it could be no
something you may want to see or show

to differentiate the two why bother
therEs no telling one from the other...


Enough of that, I sit here, subdued by the blaring sun, sat at a river bed, giving up on deciding what connection should be made, how things should be felt. I don't mind giving that up, for then I have no ones ideas to live by. Not even mine, simply I just live and if the ideas come with then, bonus.

To spend time with family I might or might not understand, as they may or may not understand me is well ordinary. Understanding is an understatement. I have learnt that support is far more interesting , more useful and could be beneficial for relationships to work. To continuously strive for others understanding of you, could be a fateful expectation. So I will rather go with what is already there, fore yes, to understand is to known but how boring would life be if we were all KnoW it alls. Maybe lack of understanding gives more learning experience which Finlay leads to some kind of communicative : UNDERSTANDING.

buttons and dreams

"The old ladies in Fish Hoek are as mean as buttons! Well if buttons are mean?" My grand mother said to us at the dinner table tonight. It's definitely a phrase I Wont forget. Just after she said it, there was aloud noise outside. Like some kind of metal sheet smashing to the ground. I am so easily spooked I jumped and we checked the perimeters of the house. Convinced someone was waiting to pounce on me outside, I had my grandfather escort me to the garden, while I smoked, just to make sure no one was there. Well No one is there!

I have always been easily spooked and as a result of what ever that noise was, I know I will find it hard to sleep. It is no doubt a result of all the break ins I experienced as a child, including my moms scream when an intruder was trying to strangle her. Well I never knew that part til last week. I do of course remember the screaming and a strange man running in to my room, where my sister and I had decided to have a sleep on the floor. So I remember the stomping confusion and brown boots. The next day on the wall we found yellow foot prints, so for a large part of my child hood I believed a yellow man had broken in.

So now as an adult when ever I am unsettled i become terribly rattled. I have a fear of intruders. Maybe I should just convince myself that small "yellow" men can do no harm. Believing that intruders are just part of the darker side of my imagination. I can then use my lighter side to create giant red beautiful woman. These woman are yellow men catchers. Mmm almost like a dream catcher. Therefore I am protected.

That reminds me, I said to my therapist today, I'm tired of everyone trying to protect me(specifically my dad), I cant be protected! She asked me to repeat that, "I said I just cant be protected!!" she wanted to understand what I meant by that, really at the time I did not know and my answer was obvious, well how is anyone going to protect me from me? I am putting some more thought into why I would say it. " I cant be protected " is quite the statement, I need to understand it myself.

For now I am happy to be protected by fiery , giant lady 'yellow men" catchers.

10 steps to reason

I just watched 39 steps with my grandparents, we have really got into our old Hitchcock films. I find that I smile the whole way
through, just appreciation the brilliance of how simple film was back then. This is one of the 10 highlights of my day.

2- Hearing the exciting screams coming from the children on the beach, shrieking with laughter as they swam in icy water.

3- Walking along the rocks bare foot, enjoying every moment as my feet met the sand and soaked in the water well I thought of nothing.

4- Nana's well nurtured soup.

5- A whole hour of an afternoon nap. The best part is that I was only half sleeping, my other half was awake. I felt like I was floating.

6- sending an email to my lecturer, with an attachment that was my second module.Completed.

7- Sharing thoughts with my sister, even though she is 7793 miles away.

8- The color of the clouds as the sun goes down.

and 9-Laughing. Just laughing with my grandparents over dinner. blessed are we with laughter.

I may be a bit low, or could be a tad high, but these 10 hings make it easy for me to lay my head down and smile before I close my eyes.

delusion or solution

Well, so much for my diet. I have spent most of the day , viciously biting the heads off bunnies(yes they chocolate) Devouring non alchohlic trifle made just for myself, some crumpets for breakfast, Delicious chicken casserole in between. I say this with a white coated chocolate egg in my mouth, deciding what will I have for dinner. Thank goodness for the litre of water I used to wash this down.


So what is really going on for me? Am I using this whole Easter weekend as an excuse for gluttony or am I perhaps using food as a drug? Well that's all debatable. It becomes null and void once i place myself on the scale. STOP!

I had a visit with my councilor today. A new old councilor. She is quite direct. Shoots me to the chair and opens my eyes. I go on about this and that, and how my life has no meat, and just existing really is just not good enough. How I hate it here and there and everybloodywhere. I have been depressed, my eyes on the ground, vicious cycle of up and down. I mentioned my latest obsession of visual diaries and my own art therapy, blah blah blah.

She struck me with her sharp words once again. As I drove home , I said loudly 'oh so that's how a therapeutic process works" when you've left the room. I became more hopeful with undertones of negativity, as it does not just vanish. But it's a working process. It got me thinking about what I do want and why I want to live where I want to live. I realised with that thought pattern it pushes the what I don't want over the edge. Sure I want to watch that negative self talk, hitting the ground after falling from 300 story building. To just die would be far to easy for me of course.

To have a new undertone, slightly meshed with the old, is more hopeful than just the old. I mean seriously, let me look at my situation again. Yes I'm confused, where do I live what do I do? Yes I am fragmented and slight disconnect from people and self. But it's not all that bad. I am lucky if anything, to be living by the sea, with people who love and feed me, listen to me , speak to me. I wake every morning near sunrise engaging in beauty and a bit of surreal her or there. I am on a holiday , a journey of being exactly where and what I have to be.

I am curiously finding my own neverland with a stable frame of everland.

Swim with the bunnies

I was woken by my Nana at 4:45am, I couldn't understand "what are you bloody thinking , waking me up so early" Not realising for some reason my crackberry decided to go back in time an hour and I was to be on the beach by 6:30am for an Easter service. She walked back in my room loudly asking"am I going to the beach on my own?" , "Are you mad Nana, it's only 5:15am" No it was not. I managed to get dressed drink my coffee have my morning cigarette, in the dark in all of 10minutes. Oh and wake and convince my uncle to come with.

It was beautiful, none of us Methodist and me being concerned the congregation would find out. Silly concern for such a beautiful sunrise... I noticed a family of different generations of ladies. I imagine mom, her sister, a daughter and a gran, taking there clothes off. I thought oh OK a baptism on Easter Sunday, why not. No there they were in there swimsuits. One minute on the sand the next paddling in the water. I felt the very icy cold breeze, looked up at the sky, grayish, looked back at these woman and though"crazy" But sweet.

After some small talk with a few neighbours about my uncles loud voice that could possibly carry across the neighbourhood but apparently to his joy does not. We returned home to my grandfather. "you really missed out!" said I, he answered sarcastically "you people just leave me here , well you go out and have a good time!" how dare we, we chuckled and sat down to breakfast.

The day went by as I pondered about omens and the what birds symbolise, with a soundtrack of debates about politicians and Ertha kitt serenading the scene. Soon my mommy arrived. I miss her sometimes, even though we live in the same city. I guess it's because I have been so lost and disconnected from all. She sat next to me, hugging me like a little girl, I love to watch her interact with her boyfriend. He is a tad deaf(well a lot) She being loud has a knack of keeping him in tune, perfectly paired.

My mom and I played Easter bunny for who I call my "stepsister"(my moms boyfriends daughter) I ran around hiding eggs in either very obvious places or very well hidden, thought provoking hide outs. As she wandered around the garden, a voice hummed, col, no colder, okay warm warm warm, luke warm, warm to the left, hot hot hot hot.... This voice was mine. It took me back to child hood, when my sister, cos and I used to hunt like hooligans , searching our Easter treasure, the adults would direct us with, cold for if we were far, warm, meaning closer, and hot we've got it!

Oh, shit, its my voice, I'm an Easter bunny adult!

So sure I am an adult who is not permitted to make decisions about my life due to circumstances and bloody consequences of my addiction. Fine I may not be able to choose to live on my own today, or buy what I want tomorrow.. BUT I got to be an adult for a child who needed a bunny, so for today that is plenty of a gift.

My lens seems bleak

'Everybody hurts... Sometimes..."

Well today I am a particle of that everybody and my time is now.
I was just sitting on a rock at the sea, I took not at how unsettled it was but how calm her wake washed to shore. It felt lime a reflection of where I am at.

I find it hard to admit when I am depressed(I guess its like admitting defeat, although a sense of sadness is not defeat at all, i just snidely convince myself depression is a mirror to defeat(NOT)) I was pondering on life and existence, I believe the must be far more to life then just existing alone. I remind myself what my therapist said "remember at the moment you are looking through your depression glasses" (something like that. I think , if only it was as easy as just removing this lens of radical sadness.

I feel as if my core has been hit by a rouge train. I am overcome with a low of bitter sweet temptation into vanishing to the lust of gloom. Pitted in my being i feel fragmented, with light gleaming through my cracks, and a shadowy smoke luring in the demons through the facets.

Deceived by Bi Polar comedown from the most missed mania. I choose manic over this at the click of my fingers and the breath of my lungs first attempt to push out the shallowness of numb.

Luckily There is the light that still beams through, I so delicately hold on to my light. A light strong enough to keep me moving. I know this will pass, I just wish I could rush the process. "I like to move it move it, I like to move it move.." ringing in my ears.

The bonus about my little trip to the psyche ward, my ever so raucous low, is that I have been pardoned by the tertiary(rehab) for a few months, to take time out. Honestly I don't see me going back there, but let this dismay pass and see where my road takes me without my foggy vision, when I can make clear decisions.

It was once said to me, well its been said to me repetitively , over and over again, that we are only given what we can handle. My question is what if I run out of the stamina to handle what is given?

I then remind myself each time I fall to my shallowly pit, i often allow to control me, I remind myself to rise and just take it as it comes. It cant come forever. Also just allow myself to feel what is given, for one thing I have always been certain of, is all that is given is given with and in reason to my outer journey.

READ THE BLANK

_ ____ ____ ?

dark as day

Feeling a void, the void, the one that never really fades, sometimes just moves behind everything else or everything moves in front of that open space of nothingness.

Emptiness is believed to be openness by some. I could be closed from a blinding light of dark nothing, I could be open to any spiritual force of everything. I have become healthily obsessed with trying to connect the dots to my self from self aspect of body being a total separate entity to both mind and spirit.

I have been drawn to this as I was woken by some force a few nights back. Unfortunately on this occasion it was an unwelcoming spirit. Some refer to this as sleep paralysis. I believe it is connected to something less vague. The paranormal of an awakened spirit. I was woken, and like before i saw myself a part from myself. I could not move and felt as if something was choking me, I felt I went white, or my other self was of a white light. I gasped for air and awoke to a icy cold chill. I sensed a presence of impurity. A dangerously eery feeling. I was convince the windows were open it was so cold, I then though the glass had been smashed and that's how the air was creeping through. After a number of window checks, the presence became dense and I became colder...

This has not got me spooked as It is something I have lived with since I was a child. Arguably I could just be a mad hatter, creating imagery to match my dreams.

Everything tastes,feels,smells and sounds elaborately different.

Generally where one meets a spirit of darkness, one always has a lightness beaming it away.
So sure I maybe a little more sensitive to closing my eyes at night, I may even be peculiar in beliefs. Strangely with all my research through vision, i link my self both to the dis connect as well as the connect, more spirit than body, dark soul painted my void, for today i may be blessed but I can not shake a feeling, of rawness. A heavy gut feeling lodged in my core.

So if we look at it in black and white, we would say light spirit vends off dark spirits but sometimes it could closely be the other way round. For sometimes the dark may be light and multi coloured facets of imagery.

i sleep with an open air, not discarding here nor there...

NO vanishing point

Hope for the best, even in the face of adversity... (i like that)

Today has been a blow of disappointments. I never fail to have ideas, always dreaming. Somehow there is always something to damper my ideas. Thing is I fall and always get up. I never stop...

Today I dove into the ocean, hoping to be swallowed, this was my wish. My wish took its natural cause and changed when I became afraid of sharks as I was the only one trying to disappear into the ocean. My thought changed quickly as a ran out, knowing that maybe today is not the day to vanish in water...

I like this natural course of humor .

weeping traveler

I feel some kind of numb! Aloof to all things but at the same time still interested in the small things, still bound to my ponderous dreaming. Well indifferent one moment and lost in some parallel universe the next. I am trying to build a nest without the basic twigs.

I have all these options, live here, live there and yet I live no where. I have considered myself to be a modern day gypsy for years. My nickname by many is "the bag lady" As I never know where I will go next I have this habitual way of carrying a backpack, with all the loose bits, a camera bag, my soul, a larger bag, my clothes, a satchel, my computer, my communication and a hand bag filled with loose papers, pens and stuff. Sometimes I also have a plastic bag with my damp swimsuit and towel and always draped over my shoulders a couple of jackets and on my head a few hats. This is how I look when walking into the place a stay, ready for all seasons and ready to go...

For now I'm done with this city,
I would like the sea, If the sea doesn't work,
bring the bush to me,
or even a farmland picturesque
Sense honestly I have become used to the gypsy

So now I have a choice of where I should live and this choice has become hard. How to choose when still so confused. How to make decisions when everything is jumbled. How to live when I seem to be between two universes.

I must remember: before one can run, one must walk. Before one walks , they must crawl. I am crawling, trying to find my feet to walk. Running is not an option, balanced slow paced walking is my objective. A not so scandalous goal.

black out

OR NOT...

I am spending some time with my grandparents, while I get well and my meds start leveling. A much safer option then a psyche ward in my opinion. Being here in this little town with a whole lot of love from them , I feel better already (or maybe i feel normal even when I'm slightly off the wall) Theres just something about the air here...

So we started dinner 15 minutes early, which is 7:45pm as opposed to 8:00pm sharp. The reason for this is because the lights needed to be sgut off at 8:30 GMT time world wide. Some sort of stand against global warming or something to that effect. Well, at 8:20 we began to scramble around lighting candles and collecting torches. One would think we were collecting and rashining our dessert for some major black out.

There was a lot of excitement round the preparation for lights out. At 8:28 we all stood at different switches and out with the lights we went. Smiling like a kid going to the fair for the first time, the three of us hurried outside, anticipating that the village would be in darkness. To our disappointment it was not, and we could still see all the lights from across the bay. (the municipality had forgotten the very thing they had advertised) for this our house in the dark but our garden illuminated by the street lights.
Pathetic attempt from this city.

But not all was lost, for the rush of our own blackout, the preparation of mood altering light, we ate out dessert and watched a movie by candle light. This moment for me was worth our romantically lit black out.

rubber band

If I was positive all the time, That would make me super human. Of course I would love to believe(sometimes do) That I have power. That I am more. That I can do what I want and have who I want.
I am not (always) super human, today I am feeling fragile , vulnerably, typically human.

I like to be reminded how human I am, but honestly I find it easier pretending to be ... well what ever I want to be. Sometimes I believe my own bullshit, I am sure I'm not alone there.

I often see my self apart from myself, these moments can be scary but they can be comforting. To balance human and super human and maybe a little bit of not human at all. would be a rather unique me. This feeling less than anything, deserving of nothing is just one passing moment of the day. Maybe even just a part of my moods(polar moods) (polar opposites) (polar bear?)

Have you heard of the elastic trick? Well here's how it goes: when you think of calling someone you may not under any circumstances or you stand to destroy lives(problem is I have feelings for this person and I want to know more than anything if they OK) for reasons to be explained soon enough, this person is out of bounds and it would be completely unethical in the nature of our relationship to have any contact with one an other. I never realise how much this would hurt me. Anyway, babbling along: the elastic trick: I wear a rubber band round my wrist, to ensure that every time I think of contacting this individual, I stretch the band as far out as possible and let it slap the softest part of my skin where it stings the most. Point of this trick, is apparently psychologically, every time i think of this person and sting myself with this band, my mind should connect the pain with the person. Somehow this has been designed to work. BUT: for this I must be super human as it does not work at all. Or I am just human as I forbid for it to work as that's how badly I want to hear from this person.

Well if anything my rubber band is keeping me busy and gets people looking at some kind of masochist freak, walks through the mall, on the beach, sitting in a restaurant strumming a piece of elastic , slapping my skin like a snare. I would say maybe I have found my balance: using silliness,pain,love and a ridiculous non effect psychological game. The game being my rubber band. Although now that I think of it, I'm thinking more about the rubber then the call.

so guessing my guilt conscience that stings more should effectively become on par with the band and walla there we have it a superhuman, powerful being spiced with normal vulnerable human becomes balanced by the line of the rubber. (protection)

no pain no gain

You know that feeling

When you go to the bank to draw money and the screen screams insuficient funds( )
when you wait eagerly for your date and they don't show up ( )
When its your birthday and u expecting a specific call and the phone doesn't ring ( )
When you wait for your dad to pick you up for a holiday, u realise u in the dark with your bag and he doesn't come ( )
When you write an exam and get the wrong results
When you call someone for the first time and its the wrong number ( )

You know that feeling

When you take your dog for a walk and come back with only her collar( )
When you talk to a friend and they more interested in theor phone ( )
When you kiss someone and they don't kiss back ( )
When you get in you car and it doesn't start ( )

You know that feeling

When you go for an interview you think went well and never hear from them ( )
When you go to a club and dance and no one dances with you ( )
When you give a gift and the other hates it ( )
When you think you've found love but faced with (loss)
Well that's how I feel,
Luckily I also know that feeling

When I open a present and its exactly what I love ( )
When I shoot a hoop and score ( )
When I go to my mom and she cooks a delicious meal ( )
When a friend calls out of the blue just to say hi ( )
When I kiss and I am kissed back ( )

That feeling when
I go for a. Swim and the water is warm
When I sing in the car and evryone sings with me
When I walk through the rain and it pours
When I say hello to a stranger and he smiles

That feeling
When I cry and someone holds mee
When I wait for a lover and my love always arrives
When I open a fortune cookie and it says exactly what I need it to
When I take a warm bath and it soothes me

Yes there are many dissapointments and hurt but there is always the opposite too.

That feeling when I lie in my bed and I fall asleepn that feeling I will know when I wake up
In the morning and will have the freedom to choose (that is a beautiful feelin)
Soothing sleeping
Painful weeping
Asleep to a pain
Waken to gain

Eye shut to a door opened in vein
Creation in dreams my mind is none the less to refrain
From a shy away stay
Feelings worth a day
Decay not
I forgot
I'm awake
For all to take
That is true
Come on wake up and just do

Wrong could be right

I stared at the rain as it filled the sea, it poured and I couldn't stare anymore...

Psyche ward:






post psych ward:

Path Finder

This morning I was staring at an empty cubicle hidden by a plant and some blinds, waiting nervously for my shrink. I smiled when I saw her, an eager smile, my mind had a plan and I would do anything to make this a reality. I sat and immediately chatted away 'so I was thinking, I need to leave this place" I was full of energy 'you see, I'm not meant to be here" changing my direction" You know I got earplugs last night, so tyhat was cool" I giggled,' I don't belong in a room with an energy that could knock me down," I couldn't stop, rambling on so she stopped me for me, "I have good news and I have bad news" I did not interrupt. 'The good news is you are sleeping, your lithium is leveling out, the bad news are, the nurses have reported you are very restless" I thought to myself, of course they think I'm bloody restless, I am the only person who doesn't sleep all day!
instead i said "so what does that mean", "well you are clearly still manic and you are not 100%" , one hundred percent of what I wandered. "I will change your mood stabilisers and You need to stay here, you cant go back to seascape(the tertiary facility) i looked at her calmly "well, i think it should go like this...."


So I have gone from psyche ward to happy house! I am not surrounded by smoke and walls, I now live in an actual season. No brown walls and the sounds of psychosis filtering my mind. I think this works out best for me: I sit and take in the sea, I walk by the ocean with my grandparents. I may still have and edge to me but IO will enjoy having this edge surrounded by my well humoured grandparents just being me, without having to worry about what notes the nurses are taking, who I want to kill, dark forces contaminating my light. I feel for those people I do, but this is the best way to take care of self. Here's an example of how:

I went on a mission(walk) with my grandparents, My grand father navigated this mission. My Gran second in command and myself a dreaming corporal. We snuck on to a golf course. Not just any golf course as it lies on the rocky beaches. We marched forth to explore (lucky for me they are explorers) It was exciting, it was exhilarating and it was purely entertaining. We mapped out the logistics and found ourselves on a beach of wander. I walked into the ocean(this is much better medication the what I did at the psycheward the last 4 days) The sting of her touch, shook me, positively and rather then dark I became lighter. Navigating us back to the road, my grand father lead us in to a hill of thorny bushes, " i don't have much faith in this path finder" my grand mother said cynically. I giggled. He changed course and before we I knew it my Gran was leading, "We have a new leader, and I have all the faith in this leader!, the old leader was revolted from power" snickered my grand father. We all giggled.

For me this is the best kind of therapy, looking into the ocean as the ocean looks into me, freely walking about with out a nurses leash and of course the love and the laugh of my jocular family. Who wouldn't want to giggle til they cry, speak until they sing, splash until they swim, and dream until they become...

walls dont whisper

I have spent the whole day trying to escape,and now I have planned the most simple of escapes. Black duffel bag packed swung over my shoulder, I leapord crawl across the garden, round the 120 year old tree
Towards the white picket fence. Without so much as looking over my shoulder I hop over. My knight in shining armour is revving his car,my getaway car all fired up and off we go into the night.only to discover I don't have my
Meds my escape would be short lived as without the meds I would really have to be here and here in a straight jacket. So no no escape.

Maybe I should follow my closet girls lead and escape with some linen,but that would only be temporary. I have tried escaping to food, I have tried fantasy, I have been lurking the gate all day. The escape I choose is to wait for
My shrink and walk out the front gat freely with meds in hand. I count the seconds.

Oh how I love to hear my name called out on the speaker when I have vistors, today I have only heard my name called out at 7 am to take my blood pressure.
I have resorted to staring at a fly on the wall, I have discovered that pool for one is thrilling. Infact I have been on my own mission all day. Its not so bad being alone,
Lonesome and fascinated by it all. Here I go again, how easily I find myself fascinating to myselfM

After I tried to convince my dad to get me. Out of her and well rejection. Mmm then I tried my mom and she put the phone down? Mmm eschewal. Then a whole othe renouncement from a whole other aspect.
I threw down my pool que but somehow jumped back and realised I don't need it,or this or that, being scared just brings more strenght and being in my own company(yes having real conversations with myself)
Its not that lonely, I can fill my head with company if I choose. I can also choose to quiet my mind and enjoy my silence in all this fucking noise.

I don't mind the psychotic screams in the night, I don't mind the woman who stares through me like a jackel. I don't mind the rantings of my new paranoid housewife. I don't mind the live band from across the road, or the nurses that
Laugh at me when I run up and down the stairs thousands of times(shit they probably think I'm manic,better walk up)
I do mind the darkness of our moods, being unwanted, uselesss and thrown. Good thing my armous is think and I have a knack of standing each time I fall.

I can handle what I do mind with what I don't.

My last night watching the blood of the past dripping from the walls. My last night of the screams in the worlds that take and feed.
Last night pretending there is something wrong with me.

But then again what is pretend. Please walk me out of here, I just can't sit and rock, soothing sea calls me.
There is no need to fear what is not scarey, and I am no longer easily scared.

pool

I have been woken by a breed of snoring beasts only to stumble down the stairs as I am still highly. Medicated in the early hours of the morning.
I opened the door to the awful smoking lounge, where I was welcomed by a bright shining light and the gospels of the lord.my eyes could take to the flourishing light,
But my ears were not equipped to be carried by 'resorrect by the angel of jesus christ and your sins will be taken as you are restored to god' followed by the rantings of t
Of a bi polar inmate from the scriptures of the bible.

I escaped to anothr room where I was greeted by my closet girl who started her morning with sharing her life with me. I have kearnt not only does she have a bi polar/hyper disorded ex boyfriend who is a drug dealer
But also an aspergers cousin,obese mother,borderline cousin and ofcourse a wicked grand mother who is very wealthy lives in portugal and has forty cats.
This girl is very animated and tells a story beautifully. I did pick up the more often she tells the story the less realistic it gets. Her mom is now the crazy wealthy woman with forty cats but is still obese.
Her exboyfriend a kind of druglord, her cousin who has been in a menatl hospital for years and suddenly her grand mother not only has a safe in her room with 1000000000 pounds in it but also almost drowned and has alzeimers.
This goes on all day, this and her many attemts to escape where we are.

I find her like everyone else here as fascinating as the next!we all have stories,some are just untold...

Well the nurses have got to the point that they just humour me and my idea that I need to leave and I'm just fine thank you- they walk past me with smiles saying,
'So you think you can go home' whatever! I do think I can go but at thee same time I think instead of fighting the system I should join it. Mmm ,thought about it , NO!
Today I knew I should probably stay here when I had the pleasure of being pampered by an enchanting family. As the they shared I felt myself been pulled away by a spirit,
I found myself staring down at them, for a moment I was not there and when I go like that I worry. Although I did return and I loved them all.

I later sat under an enchanted tree, I was carried by her branches
Touched by her golden leaves, she swept me in, I felt her touch me,it does not fade
I stared through the gust a danced away with her soul, she came crashing in.
As the sun turned and went,in the darkness we played.she was rooted as I swayed and left unspoken
Unspoken of a kiss to be and the churning sea I'm me.

Today I have heard stories that may be true or not, but they are from a real person and may be true to her.
I have heard a sermon,that to me sounds painful but to him its his and his it shall be.
I have fallen in love with two young girls who are the most true of all.
I have seen nurses who can no longer stans but do ,as it is what they do.
I have seen the reality of what falling to others could be
And to me from all I have learnt it is not only that I feel her in my groin, I feel,I see, I touch, a scent of enchanted trees.

Ok I think I stopped making sense 20 lines back, I sleep tonight no mystery. Just a notion
I am where I belong for now, place, heart, mind and me!

lost in the walls of the numb

Ok, this is making me crazy. I am somewhere I know in my gut I do not need to be. The frustrating thing is when I tell the night nurse I am frustrated cos I don't know what I'm doing here?
I explain to her I know why I came here but it does not apply anymore. Before I came here 2 weeks ago I was manic as a mad hatter. Then maybe I should of been herem I know the day before I came here
My mood shot down and I was depressed. The last few weeks I explained to all it felt like I was bound by a blindfold, I could see but all was distorted. Some kind of cage round my mind.
Well that blindfold has lifted and nothing is didtorted. When the nurse doesn't hear me and talks to me like a child I feel angry.

I am bound not by my blindfold but by an oponion of another. I do not need to be here!naturally if you surrounded by psychoses and suicidal depression naturally one would feel lowm but I only feel low because of surrounding.
My fear is the longer I hang with the gohst of the walking depression the more prone I am to fall into a darkness that is not me.

If it weren't for my visit, I would have a reason to be in that high care room. Its like being in prison when you innocent. The longer
I mingle with psychotics and nurses who baby me, like I am mentally challenged the more I will start to imagine that I am mentally challenged.
I am starting to question where there should be no questions. Fuck it! Let me out.

Then I breathe, I feel the love from others, I feel the love from me. Surely if I feel strong I should be free?
I try to observe others, the lady in my room who wanders stealing towels. The lady who needs 3 nurses to keep her down when she is hysterical.
My closet girl who hides there to cry. The man who plays pool with me but never says a word. Then ofcourse the woman that sleep and that is all they do
Is sleep. I imagine there sleep is a form of hiding there pain or just to exhausted to feel.

I wander what the story is behind each, instead I gently observe. I know I could and have been all these people, I truly have, but being here now, if anything my lesson
Has been I am none of these people now. I understand how easliy I could be, but the carzy truth today is : I am not and I do not need to be here!

Please somebody hear my cry before the cry I become...

room 19

My adress is currently room #19 otherwise known as the suicide watch room. Personaly I do believe I am in the wrong room.
Possibly even the wrong place. I belong neirther here nor there! It is very amusing when I meet someone and they as ”so which room are you in?"
I smile my naughty smile and slyly say ”suside watch" everyone chuckles.

Here, muchlike when you go to rehab, everyone in rehab compares drugs, here they compare suicide attempts, in a very amusing way.

Son no I am not allowed my computer nor my razor, but I do have my phone, with this phone I continue to blog...
Once again my sanity in this loony hospital- and I vouch the loons here are beautiful in all there unique ways. A sad story
Behind each but each manages to laugh and all are special.

When I arrived I was manic. It was torture as I had no outlet, no impulsive drive up th coast, no writing on the walls.I came here to feel better
And it was the worst I have felt yet. I had no one to talk to so I spoke to myself, my feet jamming to my mind speech! I ran, I took a pill, I needed it
As the crazies wouldn't fade and I slept amongst 8 heavily medicated, beastly snoring, suicidal woman. The snoring was a lullaby compared to my intrusive mind.
I fell asleep for 20 minutes, the nurse woke me with a message- your 'friend' will visit u later.

This gave me something to look forward to. I counted each second til visiting time. I could not wait.but wait I did. While I waited I formed a posse. You see when I woke
I woke in feel good way. Confident to be happy while I'm here, and to be happy I can not subject myself to only my mind, I need other minds to. A feeling of the same.
I still feel I don't belong, but I suppose I have always felt that way. So the trick is to connect, when connected to others I will feel more connected to self, and then I can belong in me!

My visitor arrived, my world stopped and became ours. My mind stopped racing and my heart began thumping. An energy of connection had already been made but I felt somewhat different?
Someting surge as hands touched, my heart stopped and my chest warmed. I feel lost in this as I know not what to do,
From one person to another I would say "when I am with you, my soul is not restless" I would say so much. But this is not one person to another, this is my friend, today my beautiful friend!

My new pathalogicol liar of a friend went missing, a couple of hours later she was found hiding in the linen cupboard. Maybe I should try that, perhaps it is a gateway to another world,
Where all makes sense, could be touched my magic and return as just one me. I mean what the hell do u want to do in the linen closte,

I need to rest as my head is throbbing, my world at times becomes so pure and others all the walls fall. I take flight and hold you near but for now, I hold us up in a saftey net, where I will be strong so
Neither will fall!