My lens seems bleak

'Everybody hurts... Sometimes..."

Well today I am a particle of that everybody and my time is now.
I was just sitting on a rock at the sea, I took not at how unsettled it was but how calm her wake washed to shore. It felt lime a reflection of where I am at.

I find it hard to admit when I am depressed(I guess its like admitting defeat, although a sense of sadness is not defeat at all, i just snidely convince myself depression is a mirror to defeat(NOT)) I was pondering on life and existence, I believe the must be far more to life then just existing alone. I remind myself what my therapist said "remember at the moment you are looking through your depression glasses" (something like that. I think , if only it was as easy as just removing this lens of radical sadness.

I feel as if my core has been hit by a rouge train. I am overcome with a low of bitter sweet temptation into vanishing to the lust of gloom. Pitted in my being i feel fragmented, with light gleaming through my cracks, and a shadowy smoke luring in the demons through the facets.

Deceived by Bi Polar comedown from the most missed mania. I choose manic over this at the click of my fingers and the breath of my lungs first attempt to push out the shallowness of numb.

Luckily There is the light that still beams through, I so delicately hold on to my light. A light strong enough to keep me moving. I know this will pass, I just wish I could rush the process. "I like to move it move it, I like to move it move.." ringing in my ears.

The bonus about my little trip to the psyche ward, my ever so raucous low, is that I have been pardoned by the tertiary(rehab) for a few months, to take time out. Honestly I don't see me going back there, but let this dismay pass and see where my road takes me without my foggy vision, when I can make clear decisions.

It was once said to me, well its been said to me repetitively , over and over again, that we are only given what we can handle. My question is what if I run out of the stamina to handle what is given?

I then remind myself each time I fall to my shallowly pit, i often allow to control me, I remind myself to rise and just take it as it comes. It cant come forever. Also just allow myself to feel what is given, for one thing I have always been certain of, is all that is given is given with and in reason to my outer journey.