delusion or solution

Well, so much for my diet. I have spent most of the day , viciously biting the heads off bunnies(yes they chocolate) Devouring non alchohlic trifle made just for myself, some crumpets for breakfast, Delicious chicken casserole in between. I say this with a white coated chocolate egg in my mouth, deciding what will I have for dinner. Thank goodness for the litre of water I used to wash this down.


So what is really going on for me? Am I using this whole Easter weekend as an excuse for gluttony or am I perhaps using food as a drug? Well that's all debatable. It becomes null and void once i place myself on the scale. STOP!

I had a visit with my councilor today. A new old councilor. She is quite direct. Shoots me to the chair and opens my eyes. I go on about this and that, and how my life has no meat, and just existing really is just not good enough. How I hate it here and there and everybloodywhere. I have been depressed, my eyes on the ground, vicious cycle of up and down. I mentioned my latest obsession of visual diaries and my own art therapy, blah blah blah.

She struck me with her sharp words once again. As I drove home , I said loudly 'oh so that's how a therapeutic process works" when you've left the room. I became more hopeful with undertones of negativity, as it does not just vanish. But it's a working process. It got me thinking about what I do want and why I want to live where I want to live. I realised with that thought pattern it pushes the what I don't want over the edge. Sure I want to watch that negative self talk, hitting the ground after falling from 300 story building. To just die would be far to easy for me of course.

To have a new undertone, slightly meshed with the old, is more hopeful than just the old. I mean seriously, let me look at my situation again. Yes I'm confused, where do I live what do I do? Yes I am fragmented and slight disconnect from people and self. But it's not all that bad. I am lucky if anything, to be living by the sea, with people who love and feed me, listen to me , speak to me. I wake every morning near sunrise engaging in beauty and a bit of surreal her or there. I am on a holiday , a journey of being exactly where and what I have to be.

I am curiously finding my own neverland with a stable frame of everland.