buttons and dreams

"The old ladies in Fish Hoek are as mean as buttons! Well if buttons are mean?" My grand mother said to us at the dinner table tonight. It's definitely a phrase I Wont forget. Just after she said it, there was aloud noise outside. Like some kind of metal sheet smashing to the ground. I am so easily spooked I jumped and we checked the perimeters of the house. Convinced someone was waiting to pounce on me outside, I had my grandfather escort me to the garden, while I smoked, just to make sure no one was there. Well No one is there!

I have always been easily spooked and as a result of what ever that noise was, I know I will find it hard to sleep. It is no doubt a result of all the break ins I experienced as a child, including my moms scream when an intruder was trying to strangle her. Well I never knew that part til last week. I do of course remember the screaming and a strange man running in to my room, where my sister and I had decided to have a sleep on the floor. So I remember the stomping confusion and brown boots. The next day on the wall we found yellow foot prints, so for a large part of my child hood I believed a yellow man had broken in.

So now as an adult when ever I am unsettled i become terribly rattled. I have a fear of intruders. Maybe I should just convince myself that small "yellow" men can do no harm. Believing that intruders are just part of the darker side of my imagination. I can then use my lighter side to create giant red beautiful woman. These woman are yellow men catchers. Mmm almost like a dream catcher. Therefore I am protected.

That reminds me, I said to my therapist today, I'm tired of everyone trying to protect me(specifically my dad), I cant be protected! She asked me to repeat that, "I said I just cant be protected!!" she wanted to understand what I meant by that, really at the time I did not know and my answer was obvious, well how is anyone going to protect me from me? I am putting some more thought into why I would say it. " I cant be protected " is quite the statement, I need to understand it myself.

For now I am happy to be protected by fiery , giant lady 'yellow men" catchers.