un love

Every treatment centre I have been to , I have always fallen "in love" with my counselor. My true love has always remained my therapist.

I know this love is not real. I become besotted with there kind, fascinated at what they do. I reveal almost every part of my, psyche,being, i deconstruct my soul and they help me reconstruct. In a way I am loving myself through loving them. Sometimes my love for them is really just intrigue.

I have flirted with many a shrink, seduced many a therapist(weather by emotional attachment or lust I would like to imagine) Never do they really take the bait and often it is just that way because I know it's safe. Why not flirt with the very thing I can not have. For if I can not have it, I can not be hurt.

What happens if i can have what I want. What if I am my complete self and unexpectedly one of these beauties falls for me. No never did I think that could be a reality. It has indeed become the wanted is the hunted and now the hunted is the wanted and the roles change over.

If it is there, can I truly love a person I trusted as my... I don't know anymore. There was a time I believed I could and then slowly I noticed I didn't know if this person was my professional,my lover or friend? My head spun out. I look at you and see beauty, i look at you and I love, but there is a voice that sometimes screams at me: this is not right, you can not be. Unravelled layers of love and doubt, then deceit.

I don not purposely walk to you and open my arms. I think what has happened is I have lost. For we could just be chasing an idea, I think love for me is intrigue.

A client falls "in love" with a counselor. This is her pattern, she loves. She opens every door and trusts her councilor to walk through and help build. In the doors the councilor walks and opens her doors, they become entwined. The client becomes obsessed with this, a councilor to love me? Confusion rides the client through, they elope emotionally, touching mouths imaginatively. Due to ethical reasons her path changes, the councilor disappears. The clients life falls apart, she can not handle the loss. First her councilor,then her friend and finally her lover.

The client partially accepts things as they are after weeks of tears. The councilor who is councilor no more calls: The client is stunned, and naturally falls into the sway of things, thinking she wants this,knowing she wants that, things are clouding her mind. She falls again. She still talks as if it were her councilor, but feels cared for and wanted. She natural turns that to want.
Soon the client who is me, realises I know!

My being wants to be cared for, thrives on being loved, cant unlove once I've started. The advice been given by my group of geese, have sang: A relationship started in doubt can never.... I think, and I talk and I explore my feelings, all seems lost but know its not.

Is love just intrigue?

I am not ready for any kind of love.


actually if i look at me, naked now as I am: faceted by what is real: naked as in all layers wrapped off, I can see I am beautiful. I Strive to love myself as I am and often fall. So I will do what I do best, pick myself up and keep moving.