hanging on the telephone

Come On... I cant believe what I am allowing to go on in my mind right now. The nerve. With these thoughts I completely get why some believe me to be strange, or wierd, or just plain psycho. Well it goes like this:

I remember over the last four years that I have been 'seeing' my therapist, i have never really asked for her mobile number but I am sure I have hinted on more than one occassion, and well her answer always went like so "I dont give my number out to people" so on one occasion I said, well if I really wanted it Im sure I could find it. Noting to myse;f how ridiculous I must sound, kind of stalkerish maybe? no, you think? So to my dismay I stumbled upon her number on the internet and went balistic, felt rejected, how dare she? Refuse to give me her number when she gives it out to every tom, dick and harry on the interenet. I took this very personally. Not only at how easy it was to get her number but at the mere thought that she must think there is something seriously wrong with me that she refused her number to me but not to the world wide web.

Mmmm okay, maybe this is why. I mean i seem like a stalking regular. Maybe the very same reason I did not write down the number and blocked myself from that page with her digits, is the same reason she did not give me her number.

Yes yes, I am a nut job, in the sense of neediness and a constant want to be cared for, taking a number of my therapist who is not my friend as a sign of utmost rejection. Reminding myself if i did take this number, the likes of me abusing it are probable. As I do go into wierd little whirlwinds of i want attention and I want it yesterday, scenarios. Where I become uncontrollably posessed by the need to have what I can not.

So good bye to your personal number and hopefully hello to a new behaviour where I change my perception in noting that not everything is personal! (hopefully anyway)