road trip jitters

Now this is interesting! For me anyway. Tomorrow I embark on a 7 week road/flight trip with the side of my family
Who is not familiar with me. We could not be more opposite then and a porcupines quill.(Dnt ask me where I came up
With that analagy???) Point is I am going on a holiday with my dad,step mother, half brother and sister. Well since
we have the same blood running through our veins I shiuld call them my brother and sister,we just have different mothers!

Moving along, myself and my brother are packed, dad and step are half packed and sis well she seems to think facebook is the priority.
My brother is angry as he wants to pack the vehicles. He is done doing push ups and is now relieving his stress by wacking golf balls in the dark.
Mmm maybe I should try that, maybe we can knock someone out by mistake.

We leave at 5am tomorrow, I have never really spent much alone time with this family and I can't help feel a little aprehensive. Me beimg
Very liberal with off the board ideas tring to figure out how to adjust my persona to there more sqaure and very conservitive judgemental outlook
On life and people. Me often being one of those people.

Yes a voice tells me, try not to be so different, camoflage, NO.. Just be who I am and let the rest flow, in aperfect world
Just flow, in a ordinary world there are bound to be mishaps and uncomfortable silences or daft oponions, its ok I can live with
The ordinary, as long as I agree to be absolutely me.

Ok, in agreement, holiday here we come, let's enjoy the ride and just be.
Ltr

promise

It's Sunday lunch and the conversation amusing. Listening to the drug habits of my uncles,aunt and mom. I sometimes wander if
being to liberal is a curse, I don't do Conservative so well, I have tried a few times, doesn't fit well with me . So if liberal can be curse like at times, guess I will keep wearing it.

I am in a mad rush. I'm leaving early Tuesday morning, road trip. Of course I have left everything to the very last minute, but stress less or just not at all. I will get done. Why worry when going on an African adventure of sorts.

I remember my favourite book as a child , besides "the place we will go" was of a child travelling all over the world. I wish I could remember the name, I want my own copy. I got lost in this book, always on a journey and the most exciting part of these dreams is that as a childlike adult, I get to live the adventure. Both in theory and practical, a dash of fantasy and BAM i have a holiday destination.

I need to return to the lunch table, hear some more stories of my moms first weed experience, my uncles Valium he took to pass his driving test and so on..
Hey maybe I can learn from this. Maybe not. Maybe I would rather not know. But know I must, wether I choose or not.
So serve me the cupcakes I made for my mom and spoon me some ice cream, I promise not to comment.

Promises, promises

Anonymous

Im guilty of it, are you? we all want to be anonymous at times.
I know I have tried time and time again to be the anon. After many years of really useless stalking, i decided "whats the point" (the anonymous and yes the 'stalker')

Well to all the anonymous I challenge you to come out, take off your mask and wear you face proud. For those that judge, well fuck em! Why hide and be brittle, say what you want and own it, or dissapear.

Well I guess I could be clled a hypocrite since i do sort of have an anonymous blog...

Anyway, I am now sitting with my anonymous family who are drinking heavily not so anonymously, I believe
It is now time to anonymously disspear to my room, emotionally I am going to loose it with them,
Night

slept in

I cooked up some dinner for my grandparents tonight. It was a coconut chilli chicken and cous cous, wewll minus the chilli (they dont eat chilli) Me in the kitchen is
i can imagine a scene. The food comes out , quite tasty, but the kitchen looks like canvas splattered with ingredients and colors.]

I become lost in what I am doing, my brain almost off or shut off. When I was done, cutting, slicing, stiring, spicing, i presented my meal to them and called it "who can find the chicken first" that went down well with them.

Im tired now, honestly I have taken my meds (the 'anti psychotics' to be precise) it slows me down and closes my eyes...

sleepy

hanging on the telephone

Come On... I cant believe what I am allowing to go on in my mind right now. The nerve. With these thoughts I completely get why some believe me to be strange, or wierd, or just plain psycho. Well it goes like this:

I remember over the last four years that I have been 'seeing' my therapist, i have never really asked for her mobile number but I am sure I have hinted on more than one occassion, and well her answer always went like so "I dont give my number out to people" so on one occasion I said, well if I really wanted it Im sure I could find it. Noting to myse;f how ridiculous I must sound, kind of stalkerish maybe? no, you think? So to my dismay I stumbled upon her number on the internet and went balistic, felt rejected, how dare she? Refuse to give me her number when she gives it out to every tom, dick and harry on the interenet. I took this very personally. Not only at how easy it was to get her number but at the mere thought that she must think there is something seriously wrong with me that she refused her number to me but not to the world wide web.

Mmmm okay, maybe this is why. I mean i seem like a stalking regular. Maybe the very same reason I did not write down the number and blocked myself from that page with her digits, is the same reason she did not give me her number.

Yes yes, I am a nut job, in the sense of neediness and a constant want to be cared for, taking a number of my therapist who is not my friend as a sign of utmost rejection. Reminding myself if i did take this number, the likes of me abusing it are probable. As I do go into wierd little whirlwinds of i want attention and I want it yesterday, scenarios. Where I become uncontrollably posessed by the need to have what I can not.

So good bye to your personal number and hopefully hello to a new behaviour where I change my perception in noting that not everything is personal! (hopefully anyway)

you blocking my view

Its been a while since I have been writing my thoughts on this wall. My internet was capped and I had no means to re connect. Thanks to my grand father I am once again, online. There is no way in this little town to rob others of their internet as I would in London. Maybe its a more honest approach?

I am sleeping far to much, I woke at 11 am and back to sleep at 3 pm, was up for a whole 4 hours. Yes some would consider this to be, "depressed", but this I am not. My brain is functioning well and my pheromones seem to be above average. trouble...

I spent a lazy afternoon listening to stories about my grand mothers travels and her first perm, which was forced upon her by an eccentric mother. My gran being just 10 years old, walked out from a 1950's parlour into a 1980's time warp. Thankfully it only lasted a month.

I love listening to her stories, everything seemed so easy back then. By easy I mean simple, or maybe she is just an easy going nana.

I to am traveling soon, and i have the jitters. The closer I get to my deluxe 6 week holidy my mood seems to rise. I found a new drug, traveling.

Moving on and moving out- once I return from my travels in the middle of july, which I hope to update on my wee blog, i will be moving out from my grandparents and into a small place on a vinyard. It is just a moving block. I have been moving around since a girl, I still feel like that same girl, just bigger. So I move to a new bllock, temporarily ofcourse. Waiting and learning until the next stage.

I have learnt in this past week, I control nothing , i go with it, I live with it and I choose to be happy with it. I guess I am being slightly melodramatic when I say I controll nothing, as I have some say in body movements, how to drive my car or make my bed. Also I can alter my decisions and moods to an extent. So rephrase, nothing is in my controll but how I react can be.

I believe it to be true...

Gone to departures, wings beside
Lost to the inbetween , found in seam

Fabric of lust, colours of dew
Only few to be stormed, landed

Or shelved, in pockets , not leather
Never

Airsocks of fancy, person
Dead seemed bleak, alive

Risen from locks of the punished
Only to see, encouraged

Woken to songs of babble
A far away close place,
Of swept back, feed

i see your hearing

I can hear the howling in the wind. Between the sheets of the black sky and the
Dark ground. I want to know?

- see the whiteness in the sky between the lining of the sharp breeze and the orange trees.

I move the dark ground, shifted between the dry rain and the figment of shadowed voices

To move me is easily gifted to love you

I dnot know who you are, but I've seen you between my lashes and your faint whisper

There you were upon my pillow, we met in a visionary frame

Where am I going?

Black&White

It is true the way I have been described so many a time. Where are my greys.

today took me and threw my own to the sky
today shook me and grew beside yesterdays sigh

today hooked me and swung my jacket to the ground
today spooked me and rung my neck to winds sound

heaped up in a pile of lost and found
stripped , pieces were found and lost
ropes and and hair 2 days are bound
become a shadow in tomorrows frost

today do me

balance warns me

I love mothers day, I spoil them rotten.

Im gonna get some sunday lunch left overs now and watch a movie with my grandparents, Yes yes I am literaly the 'perfect' grand child.
I have a slight worry at the moment and I am hoping it's just paranoia, but if i didnt know any better I would be convinced that I am showing warning signs of mania. I cant. Not now, the timing is off! Surely not so soon since I was admitted into the psyche ward, surely not.

I think paranoia, I am basing this suspition on fear. (cant let fear take me down) I am basing it on times of hyper speech or movement. But surely that could just be a simple hyperactive trait that lies in my persona anyway. I have been to carefull for this to happen.

I have had a migrane every day for the last week, and maybe the times it is gone and I am no longer lying in bed, i use my norm time with double the energy and its a movement in comparison.

No I refuse, these are not warning signs, rather fear meshed with paranoid under tones. Just breathe and relax.

Maybe I just have a bit of a beggening winter cold?

Oh how carefull I have to be, meds,diet,breathing,meditation,exewrcise,love,balance.

thats it, keep it balanced.

Im a dreamer

I spend a lot of time thinking. I was just thinking I have strange dreams and sometimes even stranger memories. I have often pondered about how its all connected. I know its connected in some ways. My problem is I often forget which is dream and which is real, that's when things start getting a little jaded.

I sometimes feel I walk in my sleep , i doubt I do, sleep walking through mind maybe. I feel like I am incomplete. A true being with human flesh, a wandering mind and a soul unmatched at times. I walk on dark waters and fly in strange lands, non exist ant to most, to others a freedom.

With all that said, I feel something different today. I have been down and in a refusal to admit it, not wanting to give in to what ever is fragmented in me. There was a moment today, when I became aware of everything around me. As I drove along the coast, I saw an old couple with violet hair to mach, walking along the beach holding hands, it sparked a feeling of calm, I smiled. A little further down the road, I halted my car to allow some very energetic and rowdy kids running across the road, they waved, it sparked a joy in me, I giggled. Then I came across a bunch of very trendy teenagers, huddling around a girl. I slowed down and peered, she was crying and they were all offering comfort, this sparked a feeling of compassion in me. I noticed I was taking notice, my deep sense of non connection was moving away and turning into an energy. A simple sequence of "emotional' witness sparked an energy in me. Although I was not personally involved in these events it churned my gut from nothing to alive.

I returned home and began to feel differently, like a dead tree blossoming. I went about my things, made a mothers day card for my nan, my thoughts were free. I have just realised what ingredient has been missing: dream(not subconscious dreaming) but I am dreaming. I have dreams I lost in all the ... i don't know what, it was lost to me...

and now i have my dreams back, I'm a dreamer, no motives or expectations just my core paving an invisible road, its mellow, its real, I'm dreaming.

Just don't pinch me

Before I forget....

a vague realism

I guess I would say I accomplished what I wanted to do in the last two days: me time. I guess I was unsuccessful at leaving the house (ever). I was successful at cooking three meals by meals I mean 1) Tomato soup. 2) Beef fillet with roasted peppers and baked potato and #) French toast. So yes for me that's cooking. I was successful at watching six dvd. When asked what I watched I cant seem to recall all of them. So i ate, smoked(cigarettes) , watched a hell of a lot of tv and slept in late. I would say I was escaping. I no longer use drugs as a form of escape so staying at home loosing myself to a warm blanket, good food and a movie is my escape.

It was successful, i accomplished my goal, which was not see anyone and just be with myself, next time I will try some silence to.

So that's me, and now here I am back home with my grandparents ready to take on what ever it is that's intended for me to take on. right? what is that....

I have been having these awful scary but meaningful dreams. Such as all the people I love are in dangerous placed and very threatened. In these dreams I always have to save them, but sometimes I cant save them at all, and I wake up crying. Crying and have a splitting headache. Of course this gets me thinking, or rather dissecting these dreams and I guess it all comes down to dreams being a sequence of events combined with memory, sub conscience, feelings and fears(notice how I differentiate feelings from fears) Any way my therapist suggested to me it was a fear of certain people not always being there and my constant need to always keep everyone happy. (she has a point.) There was one thing I cant shake in this dream there is a woman I have never met and she is my wife and we have children, and I have to protect them) well who ever that woman is, if she is to be my wife and we are to meet in my real life, i will be very happy) where can I start looking. no no, I don't look. We meet, someway when I have forgotten. Isn't that normally how it works, wait a minute this is a dream from some other place, and I would want no part in the other parts of this dream, so no "psychic abilities" unwelcome here.

Just me and mine

I only have a few minutes or maybe even seconds to do this as this is an illegal entry.
What I mean bu that is it is my stepmothers computer and she forbids me of its use, as if I am some sort of hacker. I guess she is afraid I will 'hack' into her mail(mmm what is she hiding?)

Well forget the mysteries of the step moms paranoia and let me focus for a few lines.

I am back from my trip and in to my realm of movement of mind with body and soul. Today I have decided to take a vacation from a vacatiom. I will be spending the next two days, staying by myself, with my different personas as my guests, I will cook delicious food, sit by an imaginary fire as i sip my soup in this winter cold. I will make prints from much discarded images, I have left to be filed. No more I will set them free.

I will watch movies of my choice and the choice of each persona that chooses me.

I am looking forward to the next two days, no internet, screened calls and self stimulation of enjoying my own company.

I will be back on friday, rested and ready to share myself with others once again.

brown coated hometown

So here I am visiting my home town and am happy that is all I am here: a visitor. Its always challenging being here and everytime I come here I swear I will never return. Somehow I always find my way back.

I wander if heritage is enogh to keep me in such a dull place. I fail to see any positives of this place I was born and bred, It could be i just put blinders on, as to refuse to connect in anyway.

Connection of here is not up to me, for history seems to keep me grounded or rather wounded. I look out the window and the view is faded, everything brown, the grass, the houses, the sky: me.

So i found myself being depressed and started thinking, there is nothing wrong with here. Its ok to be a visitor in a place i once called home, If I take the blindersoff I can see there is infact beauty in everything.

History is just the way we have been conditioned to behave, just a particle of true form, but absolutely not true. Take history and thought process away and we become what we truly are. So with this, I unstrap my blind fold of hetred for 'home' and use both concept, imagination and feeling.

There are pros to everything, How cvan I forget the authentic of upbrining, and experiances not only bad are just that experiances. They dont make you or I. I have family here, that are dear to me and more than just heritage, they are past,current and future. They may not be me, but they are part of me. And If I were not in this hometown I apparently despise I would not have that experiance of part of.

So now when I go look out the window, it may be brown, but it will be a brown I will not always be able to see, It will become romantic and just a part of being what makes up particles of me. I dont have to make it the blood that pumps my heart, but I canjust accept it as a now moment.

So I know home is not neccesarily where I am from, not a search forwhere I belong,just a sence of who I am is enough of home for me, even if I am only at the foundatuion of that home.