discarded

As we sit in a circle in group we go around  introducing ourselves by "My name is so and so and I am an addict/alcoholic, today I feel...." Today I feel overwhelmed!" 

My day started with me feeling upbeat and almost high. In the morning group I stated confidently that I am an addict and today I am GREAT, thank you. Soon after group I was asked to come in to the councilors office, where I was questioned about my attitude. This I assume she drew from my remark as regards to have I seen my sponsor and as I don't truly buy the whole sponsor concept. (sponsor being a fellow addict the fellowship suggest you have to be in their view successfully working ) so naturally I mumbled under my breath my opinions on sponsors and soon was called in. 

Once sat with my councilor we discussed a few things and I left feeling a little less high. Keeping in mind I had missed my lithium for a day and a half, denying of course that this could affect my moods. Knowing full well I need my medicine more than any other would know I raced off to my pharmacist some miles away. Funny once i was racing off to my dealer to guard me from feeling , now clean and sober I'm racing off to my pharmacist to manage my moods which honestly are directly linked to my feelings. I got my stuff and much like when i used cocaine i scuffled them in instantly but no effect, i still felt low. 

I arrived at my dietitian, she was running late and i sat in the waiting room feeling insecure playing solitaire on my phone to avoid contact with the others in the room. She called me and i sat on the chair. Took my hat off and dropped all my crap on her table. I took her less than 5 minutes she told me I am sad, I am very very sad. That I need to cry. Unfortunately the only space i feel safe crying in is with my ex girlfriend 

who left me in a devastating way.(after witnessing a love affair with herself and another she did not so gently break up with me, she broke up with me on none other than facebook) And still I feel she is the only one who can hold me when I am down? I ask my self am I some sort of masochist? Or am I just afraid to let anyone in.

The dietician queried why I could not cry with my therapist and and and.... well I had answer of and and and for all her questions. AND... I still can not answer myself 

whole heatedly why I have not allowed myself to cry in 4 months (since the breakup) Is it because I cant or is it because I wont!

I don't like to feel sadness or to admit sadness as I have a weird belief system : If I am sad then that means I cant be doing well. Nonsense as I am doing very well I just happen to feel a sadness, my void is churning. 

I decided to lift my spirits, although

 it was suggested i stay with my feelings, i believe I have. I went off with my camera in hand and photographed images i thought of as discarded. 

The mirror in my camera broke before my journey was done and the sadness rushed in, as to me not having a camera is like a painter with out a brush, a writer 

without a pen, a psychologist without a client. I will have my baby fixed tomorrow. In the meantime i have my eyes, i capture with my eyes to, things are beautiful.

I silently watched  the sun go down behind a sinking ship from the beach and thought, "its OK to be sad."