Tot ziens Miss Amsterdam

I am going to take parts of my day to try and understand why I am so tired. Well I guess I will take my evening as it seems i have had a sudden memory loss of what happened while the sun was still high in the sky.

Briefly first for understanding. There is a beautiful girl here from Amsterdam. When I arrived here we became friends. Soon she came to my grandparents house for Christmas, soon i had feelings for her. Well I always had feelings for her. Soon she came on a beach holiday with me for a week. Yes! and soon one thing lead to the other. One night as i tickled her bare back, a back that never ends turned into her turning around and us embracing in a what seemed like a lifetime of passion but really it was only a moment. When we returned to our rehab facility i was in agony. Firstly this is against the rules, secondly she began to ignore me. This turned into turmoil for me. She became another statistic in my world of choosing girls i know i will be rejected by. I think I do this as not to get close to anyone or perhaps to keep myself vulnerable for in some weird sadistic way I sometimes believe if I am vulnerable someone will care. This is not true and i have moved on from this way or have tried. Soon our counselors knew and she made as if i took advantage of her. This made things between us very uncomfortable. I naturally pulled back and became distant. I was betrayed and I mastered this betrayal.

Now 2 weeks later she leaves tomorrow. This evening it was her farewell. When someone leaves the house it is customary to say something to the person leaving. I was second in line. I have barely spoken to her since we slept together and now in front of a whole community I had to talk to her. I squirmed and then my body became tense, I wanted to run. Instead I took every emotion that was seated in my throat and I said " Well everyone knows I have "loved" you, I hated you BUT I do truly care for you" and some other stuff like, you have good recovery, don't be hard on yourself blahdy blah.

The point is I took a risk, I said what was true to me and what mattered. I know she may or may not care for me at all but I know I was real and I was real in front of all. Not thinking how I could be judged, just speaking from where it matters. I am happy I did!

So farewell Miss Amsterdam, beautiful Amsterdam. Thanks for the lesson. We learn from what is presented. I learn from my mistakes, although I am not sure this was a mistake for I have gained far more insight into myself and my whys of the woman I choose. Its all so obvious, i need to be celibate (for now) to be me! 

This was a gift!