Away

Friday, January 15, 2010

Briefly denied

Denial is the constant motto, it gnaws at my every thought. My every movement carefully creeps around the irritation of "you are in denial" 
For those who do not understand: I am an addict who has been floating in and out of treatment centres, or rather "rehab" since 2003/4. As when going to school for the first time you hear a saying such as, " learn,listen" I was constantly told I need to listen or I will not learn. My first day at rehab was much of the same, "Denial" if you do not get out of your denial you will not live.
7 years later I am still tormented by that very word Denial, denial and oh my god if ever i have to hear denial is not a river in Egypt again... Its insulting to say the least. 

Alas not all is mourning. Today for example: at my current treatment center are required to have a goal setting group. I have recently broken the house rules. The one that clearly states no fraternizing with a member of the community. Fraternizing is sugar coated, De flavoured meaning for SEX. Which I will with out a doubt describe at a later stage. I was asked what my goals are for the following week and as I sat on the worn, tattered, off blue couch staring out of the window over the bay to the beach, i noticed there was a fashion shoot in progress, lots of people and loads of beautiful models. I said "my goal is to go over there, pointing at the hustle of the production, and see if there are any models that I know" , I chuckled and thought myself to be very funny. Specifically as I have been stamped with a behaviour pattern of going from one relationship to the next as not to feel and if I should not change this pattern it will be detrimental to my mental health! 

This is where i leave you at this moment with the little detail of I was "briefly denied" and that is the Denial I am facing now.

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