Daytime rival

I am currently staying in as tertiary “institution” A institution that caters for drug/sex/alcohol/food addiction. It is not four white walls and no shoelaces, the opposite. I wake up to the sound of the ocean with a dream like view of a mountain so powerful it hums from a distance of 100 kilometers.

To day I woke as every morning a handful of drugs to mediate my Bi polar. Lugged myself up the staircase to make some coffee. As sat on the stairs outside, sucking at my cigarette staring at the yellow flowers, reflecting on my pervious week. A week of lust, love, passion, breaking rules, imprsoment and heart ache. That was last week, bringing myself in today.

 

Not only am I in a tertiary I am also attending a primary out patient program. No I do not understand why if I have already done 11 weeks primary I still drag myself to this out patient programmed. I swagger in there with a chip on my shoulder masking my irritation with humor. I believe I would not get through the hours if I did not do this. Analogies comparing relapse with taking on Mike Tyson. Relapse is something I live and breed to often. A relapse is when you stay clean for a while, use= relapse.

I cant count the number of times I have heard a counselor say after a relapse “ did you go out and do some research” followed by “ It’s like getting in to a ring with Mike Tyson and expecting to win knowing you going to get knocked out. Bam, you on the floor, you get up back in the ring expecting it to be different” Followed by “doing the same thing expecting different results.” I can’t help but see a comparison to primary school.

 

Meeting: A Narcotics anonymous meeting is a support group addicts go to. Not something I subscribe to very easily, as a firmly believe there are other ways of staying clean. Although it will be defended till the sun explodes, I believe meetings and the fellowship to be in close to a cult. No there is no leader; I see the idea as the leader. Yes it helps thousands of people stay clean and sober but no, it is not a cure and no it does not work for everybody.

I go to meetings because it is part of the house rules. I went to a meeting today because I had ulterior motives. I met up with someone I know, an attractive someone who has only been clean for 4 days. I went there with her to try and get the person I slept with a week ago to pay some sort of attention to me. I was dismissed; my plan backfired however there was an up side.

 

At these meetings, this “one-day at a time program” You receive key rings for what they refer to as your birthday. As far as I am concerned my birthday is my birth date. The idea of this method is in my opinion to say that when you stop using or drinking you are “reborn” Terminology I do not warm up to. One is never reborn but constantly working on self. You are born once and only once. For the rest of your life you are learning and living. What ever happens is an opportunity for growth. I am happy to live by that.

Back to the point today was my 90 days NA birthday. In this fellowship 90 days is considered as one of the momentous milestones. It is said that the first 90 days are the hardest and once you reach this milestone it gets easier. This is rubbish. In my experience this is an ill attempt at brainwash. No one can decide when things are easier or harder, this is a one-day at a time program that believes we are the same, and we are not! Yes we have the same characteristics when from our disease. I am not the same.

I find myself conforming to there ways as not to fall out. I do carry my own belief system and I will never give up on my dream of another way to stay clean. As a conformist just for today I was lucky to receive my key ring. Not only the clapping hands and the whistles from the circle were a feel good: Mostly today I enjoyed receiving my keying from a sexy Mother Id Like To Fuck. As I hugged her, my skin clung to the scent of her perfume, My eyes wandered to her bust of rising pheromones, that lingered in my hair as our bodies detached.

 

A meeting a day, keeps the sex drive at play…