recovery smothery

Its not Pretty and It's not sane but for today It's me. 

I am lucky enough to be away from the institution. Tonight I sleep at my grandparents by the sea with a view of a rising moon. A moon that frees me in a way to escape without the use of a substance or a person.

I am in what i think is a state of mixed mania in my bi;polar cycle.

I am what I think is at my wits end in my Borderline personality dis order.

my addiction plays no part of me today, i believe today and perhaps most others it is merely a side affect.

The last few days have been tiring and unexplainable and to unfair for words. 

New people in my wacky house: Like in Cony Island we should start playing "shoot the freak" for fun instead of thirty seconds. 

A session with my therapist that sent me in a wayward spiral.  Much like a slap in the face. Nothing like an out of body experience caused by severe shock to send me down Alice's hole of wonderland.

I am safe under the protection of my Nana's food where I feel I am being fattened up to be fed to the wolves tomorrow. The wolves being the reality of my some what twisted life.

 I am filled with a lurking badness, a suffering wall of nothing. I feel to exhausted for all this "recovery smothery" 

I was told that my mother is my only friend and I cant only have a relationship with my mom, ex lovers and my computer, i said in disbelief  "why not?" I am going through one of those phases whether it be due to one of my psychiatric diagnoses or whether it be by choice. I am going through one of those phases that I want to be left alone. I don't want to be close to anything other than nothing and yet as my therapist pointed out " You don't want to be alone, You CRAVE people" 

 

So are my friends conveniently placed in different parts of the world? Do i purposely fear closeness because I can not handle the idea of abandonment? Am I just full of shit.

Or could it be that I am just scared.

I do know today, I have weakness but I also have strength. With this I can pass this moment of living in my den of sadness, for under the sadness I am glad!