leaves fall and trees crash

I don't know what it is with me? Surely if i lack self understanding it is impossible to ask or expect or think that another can possibly understand me. I'm tired, its tiring.

One moment all is great, My mood elated, clouds passing by, High!
the next, down, I can smell the damp of dirt,nasty thoughts knuckled in the sand!

Then frozen. Everything slows down, I meekly lay clutching a hot water bottle, rushing in slow motion/violently crashing.

Loneliness, taking air, blocking passages, a balloon whooshing between my ears,

another day, another night, wake me up in the morning

you wouldn't, would you?

Wednesdays are always fun or to the other extreme heart breaking. Today was somewhere in between, but mainly fun.
My therapist.... (my therapist , my therapist, my therapist...) I do love to idealise. My Therapist insists I am not in love with her,point blank insists! Seriously?

I did not fight her theory , I just kind of shrugged it off as if she were right, but I cant tell. Yes a bombardment of "its just because she is the only BEAUTIFUL woman I have interaction with at present", or "it's just because she is so warm, nurturing",or "this is what I do, I get close, I become overwhelmed and I fall, either in love, or lust, or all"

Having all is a tough one to crack, and My God yes it is a very tough one to crack, but I'm just gonna go it, I'm going to crack, not fall or explode, or let it seep from the facets of my weird personality, no I think to crack would be pleasant. Yes pleasant.

But when I say I'm in love with you, or someone, Take my word for it , because I know I mean it, even when I shouldn't.

Its Nana's birthday today, and as planned I have spent every minute of it with her. I'm closing in on the worlds greatest grand daughter.

Things are good and celebrations high, which means I to am in great spirits. My gran tears up every time she gets flowers or reads a card or opens a gift, naturally my eyes tear up simultaneously. Its a good kind of tear.

I walked around with a label on my shirt, representing the names of my sister,mom and last but not least Aunt, went to lunch with it,to the dvd store, Today i was all four of us, but now I'm just me.

Today my Nanas wishes were simple, to get a really ridiculous dvd , rampant with silly slapstick comedy. The reason, is all she wants for her birthday is to hear us laugh, so that's where I'm off to now, a journey of eternal laughter, well that's what it Will feel like, an eternity of 1 hour 40 minutes.

so Nana, To you: happy birthday (and yes she reads this from time to time)
x

game over

It must just be what comes with me, whirlwinds and freakstorms and sometimes bitter sweet aftermaths.

Simple things like, Ive lost a little weight,Ive got a job , urn my head around.

My heads turn round and I feel over exhilirated. This is how it works for me, one little bit of neglect and im in the pits, one tiny positive change and Im sitting in the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Deep breaths or no breath at all. Is that comsidered all or nothing?

Nothing can be wrong with this day and Im just going to enjoy it for what it is, but of course Im going to my dad for dinner and everything could change, but no I wont let it, I have to stop allowing others to be in controll of my feelings, sure I can give them (my dad) a little leway by letting him think he controlls my life, my feelings are a whole different ball game, a game i need to win or end.

Im taking a stand against control or being controlled for you can only really be controlled if you allow your self , the feelings that come with it are bonus or minus kill points. I feel to good to be let down, so no expectations and hopefully that will have an aded clause(you cant touch me unless I let you)

I shall see, take y brave self to the muddy ground, laced with land mines and other nasty tricks, I might not walk out unscathed, but I will come home alive.

all this drama for a few hours with my dad(he is afterall the one person that has remained the dominant them of betryl)

I will give him a chance and return to my bunker, the bunker of hope.

Assistant housewife

Nor my mom, nor I are housewives, but my mom has a knack of tacking that role and when Im with her I naturally take on the role of assistant.
Guess what Its not all that bad:

Came home and ate a vegetarian curry, me in tow with my mom hopped into her 4x4(housewife syndrome) a 4x4 her somewhat wealthy boyfriend has given her. My mom have something in common, we dont have jobs. She was recently fired and well I have no excuse. The 4x4 took us to a lovely jewelry shop where my mom had a braclet fixed.

So currry and a 4x4 ride to some jewelry, next stop Lezari, a very well known coffee hangout for the wives club. My mom who has not had coffee in all her 50 years had a machiato and we shared a cup cake, scanned the room, giggled like girls, played with a german womans dog, well, either she was gay or she was just german? We then bought my gran a gift and made our way to the grocery store, did some shopping,went to the post office to pick up something for her boyfriend, considered going to a gay bar but decided on a gallery. We picked up an etching her boyfriend bought had it framed and came home. (note to self: my moms boyfriends taste in art is very dark, a little sorded even, normally alot of blood or stencilled woman strangling her husban who strangles his child, mmm dont know if i would be in the same room as him,by myself?)

To save you the rest of the not so boring details where my mom prepares dinner for me and treats me like a princess, I got to act as an assitant to the ultimate wife.

so thats what they do all day, drive,socialise,shop,pick things up,drop things off and pick things up and chat on phones while driving, mmm pretty much a lot of what I do anyway.

with or without Freud

I spend a lot of time dreaming about counter transference, yes yes IM allowed to dream.

this grinding feeling of intentional or unintentional love for her. Evey time I find out more and that only happens every so often, the little details keep me keen. A knacking feeling to get closer but further apart are we.

She is cute, sexy and beautiful. Sure she is a bit of a perfectionist, perfectly so. I don not think she is a god, or has any superpowers, well maybe one or two.

I don't know may it is transference on my half, but so many years later, could it be? well I guess so many years later I still pry for counter transference, and how would I ever know anyway.

I think i need to start seeing someone other than just her.

cheers to the slight possibility of the counter and god dammit to the other.

flea market

All grown up and ready for the world are we?
Not sure there is ever an answer to that question? Take me, 31 years old and I'm only starting.
Ny starting I mean I have been told I'm ten years behind my peers. This does not mean I'm stupid
nor talented, It just means I'm a little slow.

Slow in the way that when there is an obstacle I find it, the upside is that with each obstacle there is a formulated building of strendht but a downscale of sensitivity, in the way that its heightened to the point that normal daily expectations are spiced for blows of insecurity.

Stamina slows down and sometimes I believe therapy,head doctors weaken, fragility, not all that easy/

On top of it I'm still in love with her, her being my grd 1 teacher,my first crush,second girlfriend,last girlfriend and my therapist.

buzzing bee state of mind.

I don't know after my psychiatrist handed me Im 10 years behind, my life became a little daunting. Most people I know, more or less m age, have careers, or are passionate arstists,designers and photographers, all the things I have been, all the things I know and all the things I say inhibit me. So call me a little lost when I have to start at a flea market selling tshirts,

Now now no need to be so negative, I cant wait to man that stall at the market, a feeling of being and the freedom to uncoat eye candy with good old fashioned conversation....

So let me be a faternity of silent ideas, until oneday they are silent no more

All I do is sit and stare,
unaware
tears rolled down my cheek
smoke peeled to lips, a freak

mountain view but unattached
all i see is a rope, a noose
morbid, maybe dont let me loose

tight enough to kill
round enough to fill
sadened subtle skin of mine
enough said, blow
smoke sucking the know
how to be alone
not alone but empty
the space inbetween whats left in me

sit there, look , stare at me
i dont care to look back and see
nothing
nil
no feeling, a pill
riding,stretching to riding
down ill

no muddy slide or groogy reel
no movies sights or slow peel
torture over and away
save or be saved

Bygone

One of those days, pro active in one-way and debilitating in another.
I decided to sort through my shit, and it applied almost literally.

I feel gutted and sad, maybe I have been pretending to be a okay, cos today I feel anything but.
Boxes and boxes of crap, and regurgitation of crapier feelings. I would think after a year of been broken up finding my ex girlfriends things amongst my stuff would be easy, like ‘ok, that’s hers, bin. Done.” No…

I found everything from underwear, to baby pictures, music equipment to an old toothbrush. I failed to understand this would leave a gash to the chest and a bump to the head.
This is silly, I even craved at one point, but no, I have come far to far for silly self-deceit like that.

Some times bygones are not as simple as bygones? But after procrastinating and smoke breaks every 15 minutes, I got though it, the craving past but a little sense of loneliness still lingers.

I’m growing up. Yes I still kept a few pictures and okay there’s one more really big box that I know contains really big feelings, so I will wait til my mom is here, honestly don’t really feel like doing this on my own.

Speaking of mommy, she’s been away a few hours and I find myself missing her, walking around saying mom would do this or mom would do that. Gosh, what has come over me, over emotionally sensitive to each movement in my life?

But hey, I think I might finally be growing up a little (hence crying for my mom at the age of 31, yeah: real grown up)

Its flashing a smash in the side of my head
moms snoring from her couch instead
a bottle of wine an a splash of gin
my migrane pounding from chocolate sin

eyes closed, face quinched, passed out
take a gander and see , a angel a lout
a turnaround bout

mom my heads sore
banging with each murmer of snore
gore,law,before It tore

goodnight lady wine
sleep pilss are binine
its just a rowdy fine

alarm clock please

MMM, what did I do today? Something I never do, something I would never even consider doing, ever… I arrived late, 30 minutes late to my therapy session. The part of my life I consider most sacred: my therapy session, and well obviously my therapist, cant take away from that.

I am never late for anything, but I am especially never late for my session. No, no way. So what happened is I go to bed to late, I wake up to late: but who’s watching anyway?
(Wicked sniggering) My phone died in my sleep, which means no alarm clock. My phone died? Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it practically sleeps in the same bed as I DO. Maybe I text in my sleep, wear the battery down, I don’t know.

I know I was having an intense dream about my therapist. I can remember the exact details but I remember it felt very real. And no unfortunately I was not taking her clothes off, seducing her in her chair, no sadly not, but we were having some in-depth conversation about saving someone and how I need to help her, then she looked at her watch and told me I was late. That’s when I woke up and realised, dead phone, no alarm, boom I’m late.

I pulled my clothes on, brushed my teeth, missed my meds and missed my coffee, but I got there and I barely remember, but I do know I have been more productive today then any other, well if you call productive driving around from mall to mall looking for magnets.

I decided that I should write a weekly schedule for my life but of course I needed magnets fore the schedule to be put on the fridge. The magnets became more important then the schedule and took up most of the day. I got a little side tracked at the malls, watching beautiful girls,woman,Goths.

Anyway my therapist must have said something to inspire me, a few hours later, no magnets but I have my schedule, whoa…