Who are The 'Baddies'

I have a certain amount of paranoid neurosis around some things. One thing stands out, this one thing is the one thing I could do with out, but it just seems to be out of control.
I have a fear for intruders. “The bad guys”, it is possibly because I had a life of broken boundaries. Our houses (we moved a lot) were constantly been broken into, echoes of weird guys trying to kidnap my sister and I and I specifically remember the incident of the ‘yellow man’, I have always had an imagination and I decided that a normal everyday man was yellow. I concluded this by the foot and hand marks on the wall he climbed over, traced with yellow mud, and for the rest of time I have believed I once had a yellow burglar.

Turns out, now later in life I have some sort of warped imprint relating to the baddies, feeling of constant threat when there really probably isn’t any, any at all.

Last night before bed I went through my usual or perhaps unusual ritual of making my space a safe zone. Since my mom got home early from the night with the girls, I was distracted by her drunken tactics of scaling walls and turning the heater off, three times as she forgot she put it off the first time. So after some comedy of the mom show I sent her off to bed and soon my ritual began.

I walk around the apartment to ensure there is no one hiding in the rooms, once im satisfied I repeat my round but this time I ensure every door is locked and every window closed. I then repeat just to make sure I am enclosed. I make my way to my room and close the door, since there is no lock I have found this genius way locking my self in by stuffing my sandals under the door, that way the door cant move from my self made door wedges. Obviously through all this I have taken my meds, in a timeos way, to ensure I fall asleep as my head hits pillow. Phone in hand in case of emergency and normally if I hear no noises I sleep. Last night was a little different.

Apparently in my sleep I heard a noise and automatically called my mom, I then went back to bed. A little later, at 1:48am I must of heard yet another noise my mind insisted was an intruder, took my phone and instead of calling my mom I called my Drug counsellor who I have not seen in 3 months.

Great, a call to my drug counsellor who I haven’t seen in ages, at 1: 48am, she can only have one conclusion: USING. So I panicked for a bit, what are the odds, how is this going to sound when I call her to explain, that I wasn’t using, but I got scared in the middle of the night, oh and oops called you. Yeah, sounds a bit like a kid on drugs. Wacky. I called her and I guess last night just pushed me in the right direction, I went to see her, she didn’t think anything of it, she helped me today, and things are more or less in perspective now:

The lesson, I don’t think I’m going to sleep with my phone in my hand. And maybe just maybe I should try going to bed without some frenzied house search for something that just isn’t there.

So who are the baddies anyway?

It could be them, those who are out there

It could be we, when my mom comes home tipsy thinking shes spiderman

It could be you, who doesn’t know

It could be me, who hangs in the wrong part of my mind

Or simple ist could be no one