Mauritius to Maputo

I have been away on the magical island of Mauritius. Magical it was or always will be. I am always fascinated by the culture, the
way the real Mauritiuns live, so meshed with, hinduism,communism,creole,cathiloc(oh thats religion) My point is I love that place.

I found myself wandering the streets of Ground Bay(feel free to correct my spelling) warm and humid,hidden behind my camera, washed off by quick showers of warm rain, just getting lost by myself in the village. But ofcourse being with my dad I was handed a plate of luxury. Feasting everyday, trinying every different dish on offer, with the most quenching pine apple.

I ate, I lay on the beach, I learnt to sail, i snorkled, surropunded by angel fish and water. I believe i have lived under water in my life, so being by the water everyday is living. Then another meal. After a feast of beautiful people, dancing island style. Didnt take me to long to learn. I was suprisingly approached by a girl who invited me in, I changed my ming when I learnt she was underaged, it was hard to make that decision but not appauling had I taken the bait.

Yes sadly there was the normal Family drama, seperated from my father and his obsession with my sister. I learnt more about my brother, speaking truly with tears in his eyes. There is a drift of sadness and a rift between by us and them, my sister is not here nor there,has no understanding for any other and I learnt the very hard way that all I can do is feel sorry for her and love. Feeling sorry for he parents, not so fast as they need to get her some therapy. I fear without an outside influence with mental experiance, she will be far lost to far places for ever and ever and ever but never.

I worked around the lies and pretence that all is oh so perfect and enjoyed the island as much as I could, I enjoyed the ladies of creole , I enjoyed the local food , the warm water seeping through and mostly I enjoyed the Kareoke , I sang Bonnie Tyler and we will rock you, I put on a show, i collected fans , all opver the age of 60, bless them.

I met a 11 year old breakdance whizz, a woman so cooked, my Bi polar looks like dimentia to her, ofcourse we clicked. She believes I will be moving in with her in Johannesburg, where we will live happily as crazies, I will act as mediater between her daghter and herself, she will send me for counselling lessons as well as singing lessons, She was a trip worth meeting.

Ah Mauritius how I love you, your beaches and oppertunities of stalking beautiful eastern europeans on the beach. How I love your coconuts and the breakdancing cage quest, Oh Mauritius how I love you with me in it...

Pictures will be posted when I get back to SouthAfrica, I am sending this from a portugues colnial hotel in Maputo....

vuvuzela

I was proudly part of the opening of the world cup yesterday, I was hyped all day
Blowing horns , singing merrily and eating good ol southafrican food!
The city shook, the country rocked and I sat still letting the motion of the vuvz humming like beez
Moving me, riding round in an ol fashion car with my uncle as he blew his bugel and I snapped
The massive crowed with my camera, then that first goal, I could hear the whole country, vooooooooooooooov
I was thrilled, yesterday was the best part of my holiday.

Now I am rejuvenated, waitng to board a plane to Mauritius, and island holiday
See youlater

X

set match

I knew this 'fanily' holiday would be difficult, and difficult it has been.
I have to find a way to make this work for me, I will have to learn to really bite my tounge,
Not just a half nibble.

I sit here next to my gran as she reads gone with the wind, watching my dad and stepmom
Sort out a water bill, and the smell of sun oil from my sister lying on the out skirts of a golf course
In a yellow bikini, I can hear my brother inside lifting weights. And me, with a ciggerette trying to
Get a sense of my self and a way to fit in.

After emotionally depleting arguments with a side of my father I have not seen in years, I have found an effective
Outlet to relieve my sobs and agerous fears. I have taken to my best friend being a tennis raquet, ball and wall, and with these
Friends I smash my ball with every muscle powered by anger as hard as I can against my wall, and I run and I hit and I
Play against myself until I am drenched and tired out that I can no longer feel the hurt, my friends true. Of course I'm back
At that wall again a few hours later.

I am in a place I need to be, yes a little dependant on my therapist and councilor, emailing one
Phoning the other, I'm a therapists worst nightmare. So I promise today to wing this one on my own from her,

Let's see...

family feud

Sometimes family brings the best out of you but today the worst has been one of the
Most hurtful and emotionallu draining days of my days.

I can't describe the feeling you get after your father tells you agressively that
You are less important than hi youngest daughter, he explains to you that he calls
The shots and has the power to decide who deserves less or more.

Well that hurt, I cried for hours. Hours and hours. I sent him a meassage explaining
That I can not be on this holiday when I am always third best, insignificant, I asked to go home.
He replied, once I had felt like my heart had been ripped and twisted and slung back in like iron
To mesh. He said I am not and I to have negative qaulieties, such as being over sensitive, funny I never thought of
That being a negative. I wish he could accept me as I am, but that is unrealistic.

So is me being apart of this . I don't want to hurt and I don't want to hate them.

Here I go again telling myself to focus on what's good for me, when it comes to feeling gurt from
My dad with our sordid past, its hard, its just fucking hard.

But ok, for me I believe ignoring the negative all the time only allows it to grow,
But working with the negetive and change, you get more positive, right?

yes this is rather deepish

There are only so many times I can tell myself to be myself
Only so many times rejection winds me
Only so many times I can be shut out

There are many times - feel myself loose my myself
... Many times knocked in the gut from forces lured by need of love

Now I feel all
Feeling of loss of self and hacked out from love I believe
Should be a standard given

Loss of trust from a wayward relationship of a daughter to father
Taken away from a father by a father

Given a hope from self by self withdrawn
Into a land prefered by paintings
Drawn by a handful lust of gorge

Fallen to minimal mass of obstruction
Take nothing, give everything
This? Nature?

I call inward, outwardly love
A feather falls and smile written on my face

Not loss of self but circumstance
Gleeful leap into a phoshorous pool

Lure off, dig in
I need just a feast of free

a stray cat

Lastnight I tamed a stray cat just by sitting next to it silently in the dark.

This place we staying at is kind of strange for me, a luxurious cabin set ont a golf course, behind
A tennis court with a hippo pool just below. I giggle a lot.

This morning I drove a golf cart, my gran seated beside me, following my dad and brother at close range while they
Played golf. Lost in thought I drove up a ridge and almost rolled the cart. I became
A little agressive as my dad laughed at me "you almost rolled a golf car" very funny!

What I found hard not to giggle at today and probably cause it sad, is when my lil sister came
Outr her room at 9 30am in a gold glitter coctail dress with glam heeled knee high boots , funny or sad? Peculiar that her parents allow her
To go through that embarresment. I personally worry deeply about her, with a knowing that she lives in a grandiose fantasy world of celebrity statis,
Knowing this well I feel my sister needs serios attention.

I am unlost to her world and wish she would come sit by me silently taming a stray cat

asleep at scandal

:I don't speak the same langauge as my family and I don't just mean
different ideas or wave lentghs, I mean actual vowles. I am out of my
comfort zone and find my facial muscels tensing into smile.

Naturally they have many questions for me and I am more or less direct.
However I find I can't give an honest answer which would be"well over the
past eight months I have been in rehab and then had a little visit in the
psyche ward, but no worries I had a one night stand with a beautiful dutch girl,
thought I was in love with my counselor and moved in with my grandparents" no my answer went more like this, "I have been ok and I am really good now!" Then I was asked but where have you been?' Die skander' translated into 'the scandal?" I smiled shyly "if only you knew the half of it" and giggled my way out. My tannie(aunt) put her hand on my shoulder as we stood by the fireplace and whispered "its about time they take you with" refering to my dad and them. "You just woke up late"

I guess she means that I have been sleeping a long time and like some fairy tale reality I have been woken?

inbetween

Day one of road trip, ten hours later I find myself somewhere inbetween. Having travelled
From sea through cowboy territory, with a few smoke signals and totem poles while I slept.
Eventualy we were storming smoothley through the icy cold desert, mountains ices like cupcakes with snow.

10 hours , 3 seasons and one hundred inspiring images later I find my self between, or in between
There and here, I love inbetween, just soaking in the sky, andthe sky here in the nothingness is orange.
Highlighting all thoughts, mesmorised by just sitting on the couch with a brothe and sister I'm getting to know.

Place myself on inbetween for the winter night, warmed by fire and laughter.
Waiting with hunger.