1 year clean

The whole reason I started this blog that I am not frequenting all that much lately, the whole rehabrehash thing was based on my addiction and living arrangements at the time, well now its been a year and that is something that has to go down in the history of this blog.
A year later with no meetings or fellowship here I am clean and sober with a puppy! It is possible to go through a theraputic process by other means which do not include sitting in circles holding hands and so on, BUT I am not here to knock the fellowship, simply I am saying, Hey me, Im proud of you, there are ways, many ways and hey if i have to see shrinks counselors and therapist to help guide me, im cool with that.

Well less is more, thank you

lodging a smirk at the the truckstop

Seriously I need to stop and reasure myself,remind myself that just. Because I drive faster does not mean I arrive quicker.
I am exhausted, trucks headlights blazing my vision. Wait a minute am I not the one who swears by no long distance driving by night,
Especially not in the middle of the karoo that bares not only silence and nothing but hundreds and hundreds of trucks wooshing by.
I swore by this because at night I become like a bat by dayt, I see nothing, only sense that the vehicle is head on. But oh oops that's what I have glasses for, so why I ask myself
Did I drive 2 hours in the dark without them, maybe - was testing to see if I was batted by dark, alas
The glasses came on and I could drive again.
After 9 hours we came to a halt, but a halt that took us in circles around a town seeking lodging, can't understand
Why it would take us an hour when all this town is made up of is liqour stores,guest houses,motels,hotels,b+b's,rooms,hostels and lodging after lodging,an hoyr?
Well that would be my grandma,everywhere - stopped she would find fault,I believe one was'there is a cat'(she has dogs), another was, 'this street is to high up' and so on,

Here we are in a little brick room,a dirty little brick room, next to a truck stop with lots of stray cats and on top of it
I'm sleeping next to a not very secure window,regarding all my waking nightmares are based on such a window...

So this bedbug haven could not be more perfect,that is not sarcasm, merely based on all its flaws I would not have a minute by minute comedy second, with gran,dogs,cats,truckers lodging and all

vulnerable love flaw

Sometime when you so busy being angry with someone who hurts you, you forget to closely into this person and it comes by as 'a mistake' a small detail.
I have been so angry and so busy resenting my dad, that I was blinded to anything that had anything to do with him. I stopped seeing him as human, he had no personality to me, no tone or expression and tonight something of a small miracle occurred after dinner.
I did not realise I had seen it til I got home, there he was, this man 'I hate' , I saw him as a real life person. He was scratching his hands, vigorously without even him noticing, but I did, I noticed, I saw him and I asked, "dad, why are you scratching your hands", he became like a child, alarmed that I would notice and embarrassed that I cared. I saw a vulnerable flaw. In this moment everything that stood, fell apart and all I saw was a dad, a stressed out dad who is normally a monster to me is in fact just like me, a person , a beautiful vulnerable person and at that moment even if just for that moment I was not angry and i love him. I am not angry and I feel love.

Rethink that Thought til it flies

Im here again and then Im there and then Im gone and now Im back. So it goes with everything in my life. never really sticking to anythhing, confident about everything at first and then I some how seem to steer off with another of my many ideas. I find it suprising that the only thing I have rally fully commited to was a six year, (unhealthy) relationship. Seriously?

I have been very occupied the last few weeks with new creative exciting adventures ,BUT, naturally now that things are comming together , self doubt is all bold in capital letters, highlighted in a white glow at the surface of my brain, etch etch etching away.
This has to work, I fight, self defeat and sabotage are two things i need to start rejecting. So rejection phase march forward.

I have started working at this little foods market on the side, selling tshirts for a friend. I like this market. I spend most of the day dreaming up my own many markets of over indulgence of creativity, I get the best eye candy ever and well I get to have a waffle or a pancake, what could be better then beauty,food and explortation.

To track things up , tyo help me from going to far in to things and sometimes not far enough, my problems with loniliness that I rarely admit to but live in from time to time, especially with my refusal to see people and my dismissive attitude when my phone rings, so well I have a new idea, Im getting myself a puuppy and her name is Phoenix, and my grandfather hates that name, and my father hates spaniels, and this one thinks I should do this and that one thinks I should do that, and everyone is weary about this puppy, MY Puppy, so I decided fuckit, this is my dog,I want a spaniel and it has nothing to do with reincarnating my late lulu pup, and I will name her phoenix, so phoenix see you in five days and lets be friends.

so It started as a thought and before I knew it , phoenix rose. It started as a favour at a market and before I new it, and idea flew, it all starts from somewhere, it could start from nothing, butsomething always starts from nothing, so I dont mind those nothings anymore....