single

At first I didn't take to well to being single, well obviously no one enjoys been gutted.
Like most break ups - I felt a part of me sink deep, to deep to reach again, this time it happened
To be an intense 6.7year relationship of love and loss.
I thought I would never survive it. "Oh no, I don't care, I may as well use as much coke available and die" the
Normal self pity drug binge everyone leave me be and let me dteriorate til my heard goes.

Well I did survive it, the drug binge, the rehab, the love loss(although I still love her) the all of it.
And now I am honestly happy to be singleits a record for me,single for a year,I've broken my record and I'm clean.
Sure I'm not always happy but I'm honest with myself,I see differently, I know I allowed myself
To be with me.

Obviously I don't want to be single forever,living with masses of dogs7nlearning how to knit. No!
But,
Truly I believe I have learnt so much more by actually, genuinely letting go,of her,of it,of me.

Its good , its all just as good as it is tailored for me.
(Oh and the thing about still loving her,well that's ok to, to love her but to know she is not right for me or I for her,its goody

driving a daredevil

An early start to ride with my gran. Well she drives like a lunatic, I found myself clucthing
My seatbelt or hitting the dash board from time to time as she sped from 120 to halt in 1.1seconds, then sliding from
Left to rightt as she surfs the corners, phew, a couple of hours later(ready for opassenger eject a few times) we reached our detination: an old age home.

And here I spent the day. The day in a brickface estate with tricky security, white walkers, a few wheel chairs and aunt anne with
Her weaponerous walking stick, she taunts those in her way.
Parts of this place were sad, the prisonlike buildings gated in, the old folk discussing the end.

But a few hours later after the few select of hanging with the old folk, I drove home:happy!
(Sure I was stoppedd by cops and fined for speeding,ironic since I refered to my gran as rthe lunatic,but I even got
The cops to drop some miles) and there I was, driving happily to another temporary destination.

What's next

limbo

I don't know if I'm getting lazy or if I have post holiday blues. Or maybe I don't know
Why I have agreed to being in limbo for the next 3 weeks in a town I literaly despise. Yes I'm back where I said I would
Never return, my place of birth. Yes the most discrimtating, racist little town. It disheartening.

I'm sure I will find something to do, I usualy do in my days of limbo, my second name could be limbo, living in the land of the still.

I'm visitng auntas house,watching greek tv, no I do not underdstand a word,and here I watch,a lovely backdrop
To my limbo.


I have this haze,glaze over my eyes and its freaky,this is what's going on. I smoke,I venture around from
Food courts to cemetries. Speaking of cemetries, today I visited one, of a dear person I lost in my childhood- laying there still,18 years ltr.
Mostlt I had some flashbacks and naturally decided I never want to lay in the ground- discarded cemetries and dying flowers, all loomed in the mix of the dead,
Mostly disrespected by those who steal parts off there tomb stones,hardly ever seen by those left.
No,I have decided I will have it put in writing,although I am young just so its known, when I die I will not go dust to dirt,rather cremate me
And blow me over tje river of the veld in letaba, to be visited by nature always.

Ok I'm not getting morbid,just realistic for a second, I know when I die I die, but lay me peacefully departed to a place I love,a place people love, a place that will not be discarded.

So limbo to cremation to live and love of life, and in death there is still some sort of life...

its me and the wild

Here I sit beside the fire I made (the fire I'm quite proud of) solo in a luxury tent,solo in
The bushveld. My soundtrack goes like this: hippo,baboons,loud screeching bird,hippo,hippo,lion kill,hippo,
Hyena singing shivers.

I sit here,crackling fire thinking,its me I'm solo nothing but the sand. I become brave
With my fire as a weapon, but no bravado as the baboons are comming and I'm convinced its lion.

Another log,the sky so well kept but loud with sparkling calm. I don't see stars like this back home.
Tonight is a test, can I handle my paranoia of evry sound "being an attack"

Another log, I'm ok, let the lions whale,the hyenas dual, the hippos grunt and the screaming?
Hypontise me with this that not all will ever see, just get over it, the animals are not comming for me, for all that seperates us
Is a piece of canvess, and my fire I need to let burn out,

mommy

I am feeling a whole lot of good today. I broke off from my dad and them for 48 hours,
Spent those hours with my mom who leaves for vietnam tomorrow.

It Feld good to be in a space where i could be myself, so very good. I feel i have been confined to
Half a me for the last six weeks, i got it. All out.

Lastnight i had to share a bed with my tiny mother, ofcourse i insisted we sleep head to toe, not that it mattere
As she doesnt move. So beautiful, her tiny little self, to hug her os to feel a part of.

Thanks mom for a beautiful day, mostly for giving me the space to be me! I will miss yoy
U,
Now im sharing a bed with my ouma, we have an early start, darting back to safari.

"daddy"

When I learnt how not to have a father growing up it was hurtfull enough. As an adult learning it all over again is beyond words.

To have to dip into my soul to find some sort of self control as not to feel it all comes out sideways!

By this I mean...

I know the feeling of been discarded
The notion kept me emotionally retarded

I know the pain of a blow,dust hit
No tears,instead blood by my tounge bit

Accepted back but only by rules
Expected are we to be mere fools
Thrown out to wait
Not even a childs whimper bait
Lost be gone to boundries none

Stood standing, dark but reaching
Never reminded if the screaching

Now and adult faded to part
No ends of meaning to be a part

Now years by learnt the forgiving
A balance but not stable
Woken by what I thought finally
My dad,a daughter, to soon to be

My father still now not only in realm
No space for his first not even a dream

I learnt today after 31 years, even in his subconcies I wade, not there nore here, just one past fade

an elephant just passed by

I have this view, I look out on to a riverbed,I'm in the bush and for others who don't know the bush(safari)
Peacefull enclosure, a soundtrack of trumpets and a vague purr of some cat.
Looking up I see a star, not just any star, its falling beautifully.

Why would I want to be anywhere but here. Nowhere but wholly stood in yet another paradise.
How lucky I am to have taken the las 5 weeks and the next three in different parralels
Of opposite worlds. The one thing in common is some sort of southern hemisphere of natural perfection.

Everything adventure fallen in calm, I make my way to bed, avoiding the bats sqeuling in the thatch(but privately enjoying the company)
So fluttering I go

pet name for public affection

Ok that's it! I can't handle public affection. Maybe I just have issues with affection.
Sure holding hands and a kiss here and there, maybe a pet call once a day I could handle, but I have to draw the line
At picking the skin of her boyfriends back. Maybe I have a sereies of symptoms of cabin fever, but everytime I
Am in the same room as my 19 year old brother with his 17 year old girl I find my skin crawls.
Perhaps its because I have been single for 1O months (and let me add that's a record for me) I sit here across them and either
I will throw something at them or I will probably just go smoke a fag.
Its ok if my bro gets his hands on this its not personal its just a genralisation of many couples,just using an eg.
Here's the list of public affection that makes me... Pet names constantly, "babe, give me your nose, smok bok nunu babe" he then takes mouth to nose and grunts,
"Its called back washing schnukom" that's just a minor offence,

The constant baby talk, and over rated affection ( canoodeling,tickling,more kissing than public neccesity)

Seriously, the grunting takes the cake, the looking over not cos - want to but because we are in the smallest space - have to listen, watch and pretend that it is not
Freaking me out. The constant begging "tickle, tickle tickle" and when she does not respond he huffs and puffs and...

Then the playful slapping that becomes horseplay that hurts , the pleading"I'm soryy babe" the giggling the kissing.

No this has nothing to do with being single, this is boundries kids, simple boundries.

Ok so - have vented, so let me go go smoke a fag, get over it,tolerate it, hide from it, understand it oir purely just leave it alone.

My lesson from this is the next relationship I'm in , I will stay clear away from babying, cos I to am guitly of pet neames

practise

After 6 weeks of people skinner whisper behind closed doors will aid one to build a complex...

You know this holiday has been anything but balanced. One would think the dream locations I have trvelled would be beuty enough to bring balance and solace. However when traveling with family that point blank refuse to let u be a part of, well let's use part as the operitive word (everything falls apart) I have just learn to semi hide it. Sadly its not hidden and even more sadly they still do not see.

I sit just a few steps from them and they whisper, I walkf past the room as they whisper and they close the doot. - see them speaking softly as a family (this to remind u is supposed to be my family) anyway so I mainline them and as soon as I arrive the talking stops and we have an awkward moment. This has been my contact with this side of my family for the duration of a 'dream holiday'

Its hard to take away the pain and focus only on the joy, gladly There have been times I have managed to ignore and filter and seen the beauty of long white beaches in mozambique, staying on the top of a dune in a house made of palm under a mosquito net watching the moon rise above the ocean. The fun of a jeep sliding in the sand , used to carry the locals to there make shift house, truly living off the land!

I learnt nostly from the locals, admiring them for there very simple lives, seeming so gratefull, there little farms and there children going to school in the dust, stopping for every white man, screaming 'sweets,sweets' almost sounding like a choir of goats, they tie to their coconut trees. This has inspired me to let go of europe for a while and plan an adventure through my own land- africa.

I could go on , but more stories will prevail, as there are many through the eyes of all.